Thursday: I look at the clock and it reads 3:05.  Whew - I can't wait until Ava gets home from preschool so she can entertain Lucie for a while.  Maybe then I can get some work done.

This is the true story of how I realized that Ava is indeed becoming Lucie's big sister.  I depend on her now for small responsibilities, including singing and playing her heart out while Lucie watches.  When Lucie was born, I felt overwhelmed at the thought of doing everything that I was used to doing for Ava while caring for a newborn.  Ava seemed suddenly helpless in many ways; she was my baby, and I had been treating her as such.  In the 5 months since Lucie was born, Ava has made huge strides in independence.  And...Mommy has made lots of progress in asking more of Ava and treating her like a big girl.  Here are some of Ava's big sister accomplishments:

• Walking a LOT more - in the house, outside, in public places.  It's hard to carry a 31lb toddler when you also have an infant seat to carry!  In fact, one of my favorite places to see Ava walk is at the Children's Institute.  We go there every Friday for her feeding appointment and she walks from the car, onto the elevator (and pushes the buttons!), down the hall, into her therapist's room, all while I'm pushing Lucie in the stroller. 
• Using a fork and spoon - of course, we have these really chunky, "rubbery" forks and spoons for Ava and she will say, "Ava do it?" when she sits down to eat.  I still have to give her assistance with finding the food and scooping, or "stabbing," as she calls using the fork :), but she gets it to her mouth on her own.  She knows that her milk is on the right and puts her cup down on the table (as opposed to just dropping it in mid-air, which she used to do).
• Giving things to Mommy when she is done with them.  Case in point: Ava used to ask for a cook(ie) or a crack(er) and then when she was done eating, she would just throw or drop what was left of her soggy snack.  Now, she will say, "Give the cook to Mommy?" and waits for my hand, then carefully gives me the leftovers.  Horray!  This means that I have a lot less carpet cleaning to do.  It was not fun finding smooshed shortbread cookie in various rooms of the house.
• Going on the potty -we're not completely there yet, but she will go on the potty whenever I ask.  On the other hand, she still goes in her pull-up whenever she pleases.  Not sure when she will start to tell me that she has to go, but I'll take this for now.
• Asking for and about Lucie.  Asking to share her toys with Lucie.  This is totally adorable. She really wants Lucie to feel her sheepers, apparently trying to make her a fan.
• Taking off her socks, shoes, jacket by herself.  Wanting to brush her own hair and teeth.  Wanting to brush my hair! 
• Exploring every new place and learning more about familliar places.  Ava used to push her walker only on our walkway in the front yard.  She was so tentitive to go into the grass.  Suddenly, she is everywhere, making those maps in her head.  She has even taken a few tumbles down a grassy hill and got back up and kept going.  Go, Ava!
• Developing more motor skills - Ava can bounce a ball perfectly, she throws and bounces to a person in front of her instead of over her shoulder or to the side.  She can sit on a ball and balance herself enough to bounce. In fact, last night, she was sitting on her "bumpy" orange ball and bouncing, when suddenly, the seam split and it deflated.  I thought for sure she would cry, but she laughed!  I guess we'll be stopping at Toys R Us for a new bumpy ball today. :)

I'm so proud of my girls.  Though I'm writing more about Ava today, I have spent significant time reflecting on Lucie's little life recently, as I created her photo slide show.  If you haven't already, see my tribute to Lucie in the video section. 

Wow, has this been a challenging week.  A never-ending week!  Ava came down with a fever on Monday night and by Wednesday, Dr. Ogle was confirming that she had her first ear infection since November, 2006.  Not bad for spending almost 2 months in preschool.  I thought she would be sick after week 1, but her little antibodies have been working hard.  So, here I've been all week long, with both of my girls (one sick and very crabby), trying to deal with Agora state testing, grading essays, and preparing for progress reports.  Oh, and trying to keep our house from becoming a total disaster.  Here's the verdict: I am SO glad that this coming week, I can pretty much count on Ava going back to preschool.  Whew!  By Friday, I was a total wreck.  Ava cried when Lucie cried.  Lucie cried when Ava cried.  I cried when I looked at my PJ-clad, un-showered, exhausted self in the mirror.  I could tell that by Thursday, not only was Ava miserable because her ear hurt, but that she was getting pretty tired and bored of being in the house with her once beloved Mommy.  Ditto, sweetie pie.  This week has made me realize how much Ava and I both need preschool.  She has her own little life there, her own interests and friends.  When she comes home, she is happy and excited and chatters on about her day.  When she is gone, I get a ton of work done and snuggle little Lucie and sometimes, we even leave the house.  Imagine that!  I think that I'm a one kid at a time mom.  I find it really hard to successfully entertain a 3-year-old and a 4-month-old at the same time.  Lord knows I don't dare take them out anywhere.  I've tried this before.  I load up our big tandum stroller, pack the huge diaper bag, drive to the mall, and spend my entire time meeting their very diverse (and demanding) needs.  I literally get nothing accomplished. 

So, praise Ava's antibiotic and hope it makes her happy and healthy by Tuesday, cause preschool, here we come! 

Another big announcement is that Ava has started using the potty at home.  Woo-hooo!  She is in 'practice' mode, which means that she is not to the point where she tells me that she has to go, but if I put her on the potty, chances are, she will pee.  Her favorite time to sit on the potty is after her bath.  She sits there, totally naked, singing and brushing her teeth.  She has a blast. Usually, before she agrees to go, one of her bath friends (a squirt fish or walrus or octapus) has to "pee" in the potty first.  I guess after that she figures it's her turn.  She is just so darn cute.

This weekend, Aunt Martha is here for a visit and I hope that we'll take Ava to Borders together tomorrow.  Daddy and Lucie can have some alone time at home.  My parents, sister and Mia may join the party on Sunday, when we will celebrate my dad's birthday.  If Grams is feeling up to it, she will come along.  I really look forward to family visits - the more people here to play with the girls, the better!  Ava has been asking for Nonnie and Dida all week.  She just loves them to pieces.  This week will also be special because my mom and dad are attending their first Grandparents' Day at Ava's preschool.  Cute!  Ava will be so thrilled when they show up.  She'll probably try to get my dad to wrestle with her right then and there!  Pictures to follow, I'm sure.

Having kids is so cool.  They get to develop little lives and you get to watch.  Ava is such an interesting person, even at 3 years old.  She is into all of these little things - I just love that about her.  Ava's favorite animal is a sheep.  She LOVES sheep, especially stuffed sheep that feel really wooly and say 'baa.'  I search high and low for sheep that say 'baa.'  We talk sheep all the time - we talk about them, talk like them, and make them talk to each other.  She sleeps with exactly three sheep and sometimes, when I walk past her room shortly after we have tucked her in, I will hear her making up simple, little conversations between the sheep.  This mostly consists of, "I'm a big one!  I'm a medium one!" and so on.  They often baa to each other.  The biggest one has the lowest voice and the smallest one...well, you get it.  The funny thing is that I'm obsessed with the fact that Ava loves sheep so much.  I love that she loves them - I think it's so cute!  I guess I wasn't ever sure what she would be into; at times, I didn't think that she would really be into anything that I would understand.  Now we have an inside joke that goes like this: One of us will randomly say, "Say baa," and the other will answer back, "Say baa."  It's an Ava and Mommy thing.  We say it to each other all the time, for no reason at all.  Talk about connected.

I wanted to devote this journal entry to listing some of the cool things that Ava and Lucie do, say, or are totally into. 

Ava loves:

• things that are rubbery - toy worms, spiders, 'spaghetti' and 'noodle' balls, rubbery P & Q, streatchy rubbery ropes, Play Doh (classified as 'rubbery,' according to Ava), anything in a tactile book that feels rubbery, and finally, the weirdest toy ever, which Ava calls, "teeth and tongue" - it is literally a rubbery model of the mouth with this really disgusting looking tongue that sticks out.  Aunt Katie happens to be the best at finding new and cool rubbery toys.
• things that are sticky - sticky, streatchy bunnies that Deb gave to her, sticky suckers, sticky tactile pictures in her touch & feel books, and most of all, sticky syrup on pancakes
• things that record - her play cell phone that has a recording function and, most of all, her digital recorder that holds 4 folders and thousands of minutes of audio.  We have recorded Ava singing, counting, talking, eating, you name it.  Those recordings are like her photo albums - they are her memories, and she loves to listen to them. 
• questions: Ava tells me to ask her questions in one of three categories: animal questions, person questions, or family questions.  The person and family categories sometimes overlap and sometimes we even talk about family animals. :)  She can answer questions like, "What animal's baby is called a foal?" (A horse, of course) and "What person always says, 'Hi baby doll!" (Mimi)  She also likes preschool questions: What is the letter of the week?  Many preschool questions and answers must be followed by Mommy singing the popular preschool song, "Great job, Ava." 
• Stories on CD: Ava's current favorite is one called, "Sheep in a Jeep" (surprise).  She basically will listen to any story on CD, as long as it has music and sound effects.
• Animal sounds, animal stories, animal facts: We just have to take her to a real farm this summer.
• The alphabet and phonics: Ava now knows nearly every letter's sound(s) and can often tell us what words start with what letters.  Thank you, LeapFrog and preschool! 
• imitating Mommy on the phone (I really have to watch what I say!)
• wrestling with Daddy and Dida and imitating Dida's crazy sounds and sayings while he wrestles with her.  Some current favorites that Ava likes to repeat, "Are you mockin me, boy?" and "Ladies and gentlemen, there's a fight in the stadium!"  This keeps us laughing for hours. 
• anything involving water: bathing, swimming, washing her hands, blowing bubbles in a Dixie cup of water, spilling her cup of water all over herself after brushing her teeth (3 minutes before the bus is supposed to pick her up for preschool - ugh.)
• Eat n Park smiley coookies, which are also known as dinosour cookies, bunny cookies, and Eat n Bark cooks. 
• being in the kitchen while I'm cooking.  Her favorite thing to compare is how heavy and light sweet potatoes feel.  Who knows? 
• going to the grocery store and riding in the little cars attached to the shopping cart. 
• swinging - she could do this for hours!
• Daddy's guitar music - Ava has a whole catalogue of songs that Daddy plays and she can sing most of them; she also dances like crazy! My personal favorite: the "diapee and rubbery" song.  he he :)
• Singing about anything related to "boogies" with Daddy.  Oh, gross!
• Her Goodnight Moon story box, made by Aunt Katie.  This is a must before bedtime.

Lucie loves:

• Being on her changing table; we have a caterpillar that plays classical tunes and butterflies that light up for her to look at; she just goes nuts over these two things.
• Having her clothes off - she kicks and kicks and I just know she wants to scream, "I'm freeeeee!"
• Peeing on the changing table with her diaper off. :(
• Licking the tip of Mommy's nose when I ask her for a kissie. 
• Grabbing at any toy she can reach, especially hanging rings.
• Taking her paci out with her hand.
• Sucking on her fingers and making that cute sucking sound. 
• Staring at her hands for a really long time.
• Sitting up - her back muscles are so strong!  She will be an early sitter.
• Watching and listening to Ava play.  She is starry-eyed. 
• Feeling her head and hair with open hands as she is falling asleep.  This is the most beautiful thing to watch.  She opens those little hands and rubs her head all over, while sucking on her paci.  She sooths herself to sleep this way.
• Sleeping for 10 hours straight every night.  Wooo-hooo!!
• Sucking on my shoulder and/or shirt.
• Rolling over from her belly to her back - it's hard to get that tummy time in.
• Talking to me just after she finishes her bottle.  She talks in this soft, sweet little voice and I think she's trying to say, "I love you for giving me that bottle." 
• Screaming and yelling when she is excited, especially if we make really happy faces at her. 

I have so many things to write about - I could not figure out a title that would cover all of them.  I hope this one does the trick.

First of all, Ava's 3rd birthday was...interesting.  She woke up at about 3am and had thrown up a little, which scared me a lot, but she didn't have a fever, so I layed with her for a while and thought that all was well.  Later that morning, she was up again, crying and wanting to be held.  We had plans to go to Wheeling for her birthday party, but we quickly realized that we weren't going anywhere.  She had ups and downs throughout the day and also on Sunday.  I spoke to the triage nurse twice and the pediatrician once - they all told us to try to push liquids and to call back if her pain got worse.  On Sunday, mom, Kate, Mia and Aunt Martha came up and brought Ava's party to her - thanks, girls! 
Ava had a few hours of reprieve and enjoyed her party, but went downhill the next morning, waking up and crying in pain.  We took her to see the pediatrician, who assessed her and said that "this was not Ava" and that we needed to take her to Children's ER. 

Lynn jumped in to watch sweet Lucie, followed by my sister, who drove in the snow to help us out.  My mom instinct kicked in and I quickly packed a bag for Ava with PJ's, toys, CDs and a blankie.  I knew that she would be admitted that night.  Deb (who is an angel) met us at the ER and ended up staying with us until Ava was admitted at about 3am.  Now, considering what a rare anomoly anophthalmia is, Ava has spent a relatively small amount of time in the hospital.  She has never been admitted and has only had a few procedures where her blood was drawn or that involved an IV.  Pure and simple: this night was hell.  They stuck an IV in her, took her blood, cathaterized her for a urine sample, poked, swabbed and stuck every part of her.  Then, at last, she had an ultrasound on her belly.  Standing in the dark ultrasound room at about 1:30am, I was reminded of both of my pregnancies and all of the time we spent in an room like that.  That was the only time that I cried during the whole ordeal.  Ava was sleeping soundly from exhaustion, under her purple "wooly" blanket, and I cried quietly to Deb and prayed, please don't make this baby go through any more.  She has been through enough in her little life.  The doctors were thinking that it was a condition called intussusception, in which the intestine overlaps itself, causing extreme pain.  She would have to have surgery if that were her diagnosis. 

After the ultrasound, the ER docs eventually came and told us that the results of everything were NORMAL.  No intussusception - no surgery.  Her labs showed that she was dehydrated and the ultrasound showed that she was constipated.  One probably fuled the other and caused her pain.  They decided to flood her with IV fluids and admit her.  Ava slept all through the night - we got about 3 hours of sleep.  The next morning, Ava came slowly back to us.  I was so happy that I raided the hospital gift shop for sheep and "rubberies."  Bobby walked through Oakland in a heavy snow to get us pancakes and Starbucks.  Ava and I spent the day playing Play Dough and listening to her new sheep say baaa.  The doctors and nurses were wonderful - they even brought Ava some sensory toys that she loved and they attended to our every need. 

When we were released that afternoon, I thought about all of the parents who spend days and weeks in Children's Hospital with their little ones, watching them endure pain and sickness.  We had barely been there for 24 hours and I was ready to climb the walls to get out.  I am so thankful that we escaped a longer stay, surgery, more tests, more pain for our little girl.  Ava's 3rd birthday reminded us to be grateful for her health, her intellect and our ability to comfort our daughter with our touch and voice (and a new sheep and a few rubberies!).  I swear that I see her differently now and cherish her well-being daily. 

Because of her hospital stay, Ava started preschool a few days later than anticipated.  Her first day was full of ups and downs, with Bobby and I both there with her.  After tears in the morning, Ava actually warmed up to her teacher and we left her there while we ate lunch across the street.  We came back and she had not shed one tear.  We were so proud of her!!  The next day, I took Lucie to preschool with Ava and planned to hang around for a little while.  I was not prepared for Ava to cry from the moment we got there until the moment we left, which is exactly what she did!  I was stunned.  Fridays are not as structured as the rest of the week, so I figured that it was the chaos of the day that had thrown her off. 

Ava and I returned to preschool the following Tuesday and while she did cry a little when we first arrived, Miss Jenn was able to comfort her enough to allow me to leave her there at about 12:30 - she even ate a little lunch.  I returned to find a happy Ava, swinging her legs as she sat in a little chair with the other kids.  So cute!  Wednesday was even better - I left around 11 and didn't return until dismissal at 2:30.  I can only hope that we will continue on a good path with preschool.  This week, Ava may begin to ride a little bus to school, as I must return to work.  Blah.  I wish that Bobby made a million dollars.  I have enjoyed so much just being a mom.  But, if I have to "go" back to work, turning on my computer in my PJ's isn't the worst situation ever.  Thank goodness for cyber education!!

Things that I have been thankful for over the past couple of weeks:

1. Our choice to have precious Lucie.  I am enamored with her emerging voice - she loves to lie in our bed at night and "talk" herself to sleep.  She looks at me like I am the most incredible thing she's ever seen.  It helps.

2. Ava's mastery of 2 toys: her LeapFrog farm (she matches fronts and backs of animals by touch) and her LeapFrog Phonics letter magnets - (thanks, Auntie Lidge!!  She is ready for this toy now!).  Ava can identify about 80% of the letters by touch (I have to put Braille stickers on them soon) and knows almost 100% of their sounds.  She will even tell you, "Dog starts with D" - incredible.  I never get tired of watching her play with these toys. 

3. The church breakfast that Deb took me to on Saturday.  It was for girls only and had a heart theme.  I met some new women and listened to a wonderful woman, Steph, talk about women needing to take care of themselves physically, emotionally and spiritually.  I felt like it was an awakening for me.  I need more things like this in my life, as I slowly let go of the leftover hurt surrounding Ava's blindness.  I will commit slowly, as I am also occasionally a cynic (ha!) and have totally liberal social views.  I forgive those who don't.  

4. My friend Lesley and her new boyfriend, Mark.  They come to our house, bring pizza, wine and gifts and play with our baby girls.  They make us laugh at each other and ourselves! 

5. The MAPS moms, particularly Jill and her family - wish that we could see them more.  Looking at them is like looking at us.  Happy Anniversary, Jill and Erik!

6. Our fireplace and Netflix.  My coffee in the mornings.

7. My mom, dad, sister and Mia, for taking Ava and Lucie this weekend so that Bobby and I could have a much-needed 24 hours to ourselves.  Last night, we saw Juno, went to the Cheesecake Factory for a yummy dinner, and stayed up until 2am watching Saturday Night Live and drinking wine.  It's nice to be "just us" again occasionally.  I miss the girls, but it's lovely to sit here and write without interruption. 

8. The safety and comfort of our home and our little family.  The wonder of having children and the mystery of marriage.  Grandpa Bob was right!

Yesterday, we said farewell to Ava's beloved feeding therapist at the Children's Institute, Leigh.  Ava will still continue to go to the Institute, but Leigh is moving on to another job and Ava will have a new therapist.  It occured to me that we are saying lots of goodbyes lately; Ava is turning 3, which means that her Early Intervention services will end and she will officially begin preschool.  We have already had our last PT session with Diane, Julie the OT will finish up soon, Jen, our speech therapist is long gone, and Lynn - well, hopefully, Lynn will always be a part of our lives in some form.  Some of these women have known Ava since she was an infant.  They have watched her grow up, they have guided our family in the right direction, they have challenged us and Ava to always do better.  They have played with Ava,  made her laugh (and sometimes cry!) and shared our trials and triumphs over the last 3 years.  They have been a part of our family.  They have taught Ava how to trust others, even though she can't see them.  They have asked her to take risks, to try new things, and though she was scared somtimes, she has accomplished a lot.  Bobby and I are eternally grateful for all of their support, knowledge and faith in us and in Ava.  It's hard to imagine them not coming to our home each week.  Thank you Lynn, Julie, Jen, Leigh, and Diane - Ava's wonderful team!!

This week has been better for me; I have felt more stable and am enjoying both girls.  I still have a lot of thoughts to sort out about how I will parent both Ava and Lucie to the best of my abilities.  I also have to figure out how I will get Ava and I out the door by 8am when she starts preschool in a few weeks!  I am on maternity leave until late in February, so I do have time to develop this new schedule.  I wish that I didn't have to work.  Sometimes, working from home is overwhelming.  And now, with Lucie - who currently wants to be held all of the time, I don't know how I will manage.  I am relieved that Ava will be in school, even though I am also very scared to send her.  She will have another life, one that doesn't involve me all of the time. But, she will also have wonderful experiences and will come home to us every day. 

Ava's mind amazes me.  Lately, she is very into opposites.  The other night, we were in her room getting ready for bed, and she picked up two spray bottles of water that I use to wet her hair with each morning.  One is much larger than the other.  She loves to play with them - she calls them, "hairspray waters."  As she held one in each hand, she started saying, "Is this one heavy?  Is this one light?  Is this one full?  Is this one empty?  Is this one big?  Is this one little?" all the while, lifting up the appropriate bottle.  She is so good at comparing things, telling the difference, understanding these relationships.  She also loves to rhyme.  Her latest funny rhyme is calling her soon-to-be preschool teacher, "Teacher Creature Jennifer!"  Ugg.  I hope Miss Jennifer doesn't mind! 

On to Lucie...

She is such a sweet baby, but she refuses to let us put her down for more than 5 minutes.  She wants what she wants NOW.  She doesn't build up to a cry, she just lets loose when she wants to eat or needs attention.  And yet, she gives the sweetest smiles and playful looks when she is happy.  She loves to be on her changing table (as Ava did), kicking and listening to music.  She sleeps between Bobby and I (also like Ava) and I love to lean over and nuzzle her neck and cheeks when she is falling asleep.  She is an incredible sleeper - last night, she slept for nearly 6 hours.  She is in sync with me; we have sleep harmony.  I have always believed in sharing sleep with my babies.  Having them away from me when they are that little just doesn't feel right. 

Those who are close to me know how much I have struggled with Ava's blindness.  Each step of the way, there is new grief and new joy.  With her heading off to preschool, I find myself feeling both of these things once again.  It is at these times that I look to others for inspiration.  A dear friend gave me an article from the Pittsburgh Post Gazette, written by a local woman who is blind.  It is about the power of touch and it has once again brought me to the realization that Ava will experience life with great pleasure, even without sight.  You can link to the article here: http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/08012/848579-109.stm

Lucie is 5 weeks old and yesterday was also cousin Mia's 10th birthday.  Ava will be 3 in a month. Lucie's weigh-in at Dr. Ogle's today was amazing - she's gained nearly 2 lbs since December 21st and grown 2 inches.  Wow!  What a girl.  She is no longer in newborn diapers and will soon be completely out of her pretty newborn clothes.  Time is flying already; I'm afraid that I will forget her first few weeks.  She is the sweetest baby, content most of the time and wanting to be held always. She has started giving me her first smiles when I smile at her.  I have even heard her find her voice a few times.  She is the most beautiful baby, especially with her newly chubby cheeks.  She feels so warm when I snuggle her at night.  Her hands and feet are still so little and delicate, but she is very strong, holding her head up when I put her on her belly.

I saw my doctor today to begin the process of finding my way out of this tunnel.  I am not ashamed to say that I am suffering; it's not my fault, it is not something that I asked for.  It is simply my brain's reaction to the hormones swirling around inside of me right now.  I want my girls to know that if they ever feel this way, there is help.  I wouldn't ignore an infection that requires antibiotics, just as I will not ignore this.  My girls need all of me. 

Today was also Ava's IEP meeting at the Western PA School for Blind Children preschool, which has been another source of anxiety for me.  I wasn't sure that I would be able to handle the meeting today with the way that I've been feeling, but it went so well.  The school is amazing; they are totally ready for Ava.  Her goals are set and I just know that she will achieve great things.  I am nervous about her first few weeks.  I'm sure that there will be tears all around, but Bobby and I will be there with her, guiding her into a new chapter of her little life.  Ava has a lot of work to do in preschool - Braille, O&M work with a cane, socialization.  She will not just fingerpaint and play in the sand.  Her road to independence begins here.  I am excited to be involved and volunteer at the preschool - I will be Ava's proud mom for sure! 

I come back to the song that I chose for our homepage, "Better Together" by Jack Johnson often.  Today is one of those times.  The lyrics say...

Love is the answer
at least for most of the questions in my heart,
Why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and
sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing, it's always better when we're together

I look to this song because it reminds me of how very much I love my daughter Ava and how much I love my husband and how much I am growing to know and love Lucie.  I am struggling right now with many different feelings about my new life as a mother of two girls.  One a curious toddler, one a helpless infant.  One who can speak her needs to me, one who cannot.  One who can see, one who cannot.  Both need me equally, but is there enough of me? 

After Ava was born, I suffered greatly from post-partum depression - I was in shock, grieving and physically depleted.  The past few days have been so difficult emotionally.  Christmas is over, Bobby is back to work - I am crying often and scared that I can't be all that the girls need me to be.  Is it also possible that my grief over Ava's blindness is re-opened?  Familliar hormones, feelings, the dark days of winter - maybe all of these things are triggering memories of that uncertain time in our lives. 

Tonight, I see things clearly.  This morning, I did not.  Everything seemed like a disaster.  I cried as if I had lost someone.  Luckily, Lynn (Ava's TVI and good friend) called at just the right moment and came over to spend some time with us.  Tonight, Bobby cooked dinner and we played with Ava together while Lucie slept.  Tonight, family life with two children seems possible.  Tomorrow, who knows?

I will say that I have many people in my life who are blessings - Lynn, Deb (Ava's best babysitter ever), my friend Lesley, my family, the MAPS moms and most of all, my amazing husband, who seems mystical to me sometimes.  When I am in my darkest hour, it is him who talks me out of it.  He knows that I need love and support, not anger.  He says the right things in the right order and does not demand more from me than I can give.  He knows that I want to feel better; he knows what kind of mother I am capable of being.  He knows that I am hard on myself and that I feel a lot of guilt and he tries to ease those burdens.  And most of all, he knows that this is temporary.  We will get through all of these changes and we will come out on top.