I have so many things to write about - I could not figure out a title that would cover all of them.  I hope this one does the trick.

First of all, Ava's 3rd birthday was...interesting.  She woke up at about 3am and had thrown up a little, which scared me a lot, but she didn't have a fever, so I layed with her for a while and thought that all was well.  Later that morning, she was up again, crying and wanting to be held.  We had plans to go to Wheeling for her birthday party, but we quickly realized that we weren't going anywhere.  She had ups and downs throughout the day and also on Sunday.  I spoke to the triage nurse twice and the pediatrician once - they all told us to try to push liquids and to call back if her pain got worse.  On Sunday, mom, Kate, Mia and Aunt Martha came up and brought Ava's party to her - thanks, girls! 
Ava had a few hours of reprieve and enjoyed her party, but went downhill the next morning, waking up and crying in pain.  We took her to see the pediatrician, who assessed her and said that "this was not Ava" and that we needed to take her to Children's ER. 

Lynn jumped in to watch sweet Lucie, followed by my sister, who drove in the snow to help us out.  My mom instinct kicked in and I quickly packed a bag for Ava with PJ's, toys, CDs and a blankie.  I knew that she would be admitted that night.  Deb (who is an angel) met us at the ER and ended up staying with us until Ava was admitted at about 3am.  Now, considering what a rare anomoly anophthalmia is, Ava has spent a relatively small amount of time in the hospital.  She has never been admitted and has only had a few procedures where her blood was drawn or that involved an IV.  Pure and simple: this night was hell.  They stuck an IV in her, took her blood, cathaterized her for a urine sample, poked, swabbed and stuck every part of her.  Then, at last, she had an ultrasound on her belly.  Standing in the dark ultrasound room at about 1:30am, I was reminded of both of my pregnancies and all of the time we spent in an room like that.  That was the only time that I cried during the whole ordeal.  Ava was sleeping soundly from exhaustion, under her purple "wooly" blanket, and I cried quietly to Deb and prayed, please don't make this baby go through any more.  She has been through enough in her little life.  The doctors were thinking that it was a condition called intussusception, in which the intestine overlaps itself, causing extreme pain.  She would have to have surgery if that were her diagnosis. 

After the ultrasound, the ER docs eventually came and told us that the results of everything were NORMAL.  No intussusception - no surgery.  Her labs showed that she was dehydrated and the ultrasound showed that she was constipated.  One probably fuled the other and caused her pain.  They decided to flood her with IV fluids and admit her.  Ava slept all through the night - we got about 3 hours of sleep.  The next morning, Ava came slowly back to us.  I was so happy that I raided the hospital gift shop for sheep and "rubberies."  Bobby walked through Oakland in a heavy snow to get us pancakes and Starbucks.  Ava and I spent the day playing Play Dough and listening to her new sheep say baaa.  The doctors and nurses were wonderful - they even brought Ava some sensory toys that she loved and they attended to our every need. 

When we were released that afternoon, I thought about all of the parents who spend days and weeks in Children's Hospital with their little ones, watching them endure pain and sickness.  We had barely been there for 24 hours and I was ready to climb the walls to get out.  I am so thankful that we escaped a longer stay, surgery, more tests, more pain for our little girl.  Ava's 3rd birthday reminded us to be grateful for her health, her intellect and our ability to comfort our daughter with our touch and voice (and a new sheep and a few rubberies!).  I swear that I see her differently now and cherish her well-being daily. 

Because of her hospital stay, Ava started preschool a few days later than anticipated.  Her first day was full of ups and downs, with Bobby and I both there with her.  After tears in the morning, Ava actually warmed up to her teacher and we left her there while we ate lunch across the street.  We came back and she had not shed one tear.  We were so proud of her!!  The next day, I took Lucie to preschool with Ava and planned to hang around for a little while.  I was not prepared for Ava to cry from the moment we got there until the moment we left, which is exactly what she did!  I was stunned.  Fridays are not as structured as the rest of the week, so I figured that it was the chaos of the day that had thrown her off. 

Ava and I returned to preschool the following Tuesday and while she did cry a little when we first arrived, Miss Jenn was able to comfort her enough to allow me to leave her there at about 12:30 - she even ate a little lunch.  I returned to find a happy Ava, swinging her legs as she sat in a little chair with the other kids.  So cute!  Wednesday was even better - I left around 11 and didn't return until dismissal at 2:30.  I can only hope that we will continue on a good path with preschool.  This week, Ava may begin to ride a little bus to school, as I must return to work.  Blah.  I wish that Bobby made a million dollars.  I have enjoyed so much just being a mom.  But, if I have to "go" back to work, turning on my computer in my PJ's isn't the worst situation ever.  Thank goodness for cyber education!!

Things that I have been thankful for over the past couple of weeks:

1. Our choice to have precious Lucie.  I am enamored with her emerging voice - she loves to lie in our bed at night and "talk" herself to sleep.  She looks at me like I am the most incredible thing she's ever seen.  It helps.

2. Ava's mastery of 2 toys: her LeapFrog farm (she matches fronts and backs of animals by touch) and her LeapFrog Phonics letter magnets - (thanks, Auntie Lidge!!  She is ready for this toy now!).  Ava can identify about 80% of the letters by touch (I have to put Braille stickers on them soon) and knows almost 100% of their sounds.  She will even tell you, "Dog starts with D" - incredible.  I never get tired of watching her play with these toys. 

3. The church breakfast that Deb took me to on Saturday.  It was for girls only and had a heart theme.  I met some new women and listened to a wonderful woman, Steph, talk about women needing to take care of themselves physically, emotionally and spiritually.  I felt like it was an awakening for me.  I need more things like this in my life, as I slowly let go of the leftover hurt surrounding Ava's blindness.  I will commit slowly, as I am also occasionally a cynic (ha!) and have totally liberal social views.  I forgive those who don't.  

4. My friend Lesley and her new boyfriend, Mark.  They come to our house, bring pizza, wine and gifts and play with our baby girls.  They make us laugh at each other and ourselves! 

5. The MAPS moms, particularly Jill and her family - wish that we could see them more.  Looking at them is like looking at us.  Happy Anniversary, Jill and Erik!

6. Our fireplace and Netflix.  My coffee in the mornings.

7. My mom, dad, sister and Mia, for taking Ava and Lucie this weekend so that Bobby and I could have a much-needed 24 hours to ourselves.  Last night, we saw Juno, went to the Cheesecake Factory for a yummy dinner, and stayed up until 2am watching Saturday Night Live and drinking wine.  It's nice to be "just us" again occasionally.  I miss the girls, but it's lovely to sit here and write without interruption. 

8. The safety and comfort of our home and our little family.  The wonder of having children and the mystery of marriage.  Grandpa Bob was right!

Yesterday, we said farewell to Ava's beloved feeding therapist at the Children's Institute, Leigh.  Ava will still continue to go to the Institute, but Leigh is moving on to another job and Ava will have a new therapist.  It occured to me that we are saying lots of goodbyes lately; Ava is turning 3, which means that her Early Intervention services will end and she will officially begin preschool.  We have already had our last PT session with Diane, Julie the OT will finish up soon, Jen, our speech therapist is long gone, and Lynn - well, hopefully, Lynn will always be a part of our lives in some form.  Some of these women have known Ava since she was an infant.  They have watched her grow up, they have guided our family in the right direction, they have challenged us and Ava to always do better.  They have played with Ava,  made her laugh (and sometimes cry!) and shared our trials and triumphs over the last 3 years.  They have been a part of our family.  They have taught Ava how to trust others, even though she can't see them.  They have asked her to take risks, to try new things, and though she was scared somtimes, she has accomplished a lot.  Bobby and I are eternally grateful for all of their support, knowledge and faith in us and in Ava.  It's hard to imagine them not coming to our home each week.  Thank you Lynn, Julie, Jen, Leigh, and Diane - Ava's wonderful team!!

This week has been better for me; I have felt more stable and am enjoying both girls.  I still have a lot of thoughts to sort out about how I will parent both Ava and Lucie to the best of my abilities.  I also have to figure out how I will get Ava and I out the door by 8am when she starts preschool in a few weeks!  I am on maternity leave until late in February, so I do have time to develop this new schedule.  I wish that I didn't have to work.  Sometimes, working from home is overwhelming.  And now, with Lucie - who currently wants to be held all of the time, I don't know how I will manage.  I am relieved that Ava will be in school, even though I am also very scared to send her.  She will have another life, one that doesn't involve me all of the time. But, she will also have wonderful experiences and will come home to us every day. 

Ava's mind amazes me.  Lately, she is very into opposites.  The other night, we were in her room getting ready for bed, and she picked up two spray bottles of water that I use to wet her hair with each morning.  One is much larger than the other.  She loves to play with them - she calls them, "hairspray waters."  As she held one in each hand, she started saying, "Is this one heavy?  Is this one light?  Is this one full?  Is this one empty?  Is this one big?  Is this one little?" all the while, lifting up the appropriate bottle.  She is so good at comparing things, telling the difference, understanding these relationships.  She also loves to rhyme.  Her latest funny rhyme is calling her soon-to-be preschool teacher, "Teacher Creature Jennifer!"  Ugg.  I hope Miss Jennifer doesn't mind! 

On to Lucie...

She is such a sweet baby, but she refuses to let us put her down for more than 5 minutes.  She wants what she wants NOW.  She doesn't build up to a cry, she just lets loose when she wants to eat or needs attention.  And yet, she gives the sweetest smiles and playful looks when she is happy.  She loves to be on her changing table (as Ava did), kicking and listening to music.  She sleeps between Bobby and I (also like Ava) and I love to lean over and nuzzle her neck and cheeks when she is falling asleep.  She is an incredible sleeper - last night, she slept for nearly 6 hours.  She is in sync with me; we have sleep harmony.  I have always believed in sharing sleep with my babies.  Having them away from me when they are that little just doesn't feel right. 

Those who are close to me know how much I have struggled with Ava's blindness.  Each step of the way, there is new grief and new joy.  With her heading off to preschool, I find myself feeling both of these things once again.  It is at these times that I look to others for inspiration.  A dear friend gave me an article from the Pittsburgh Post Gazette, written by a local woman who is blind.  It is about the power of touch and it has once again brought me to the realization that Ava will experience life with great pleasure, even without sight.  You can link to the article here: http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/08012/848579-109.stm

Lucie is 5 weeks old and yesterday was also cousin Mia's 10th birthday.  Ava will be 3 in a month. Lucie's weigh-in at Dr. Ogle's today was amazing - she's gained nearly 2 lbs since December 21st and grown 2 inches.  Wow!  What a girl.  She is no longer in newborn diapers and will soon be completely out of her pretty newborn clothes.  Time is flying already; I'm afraid that I will forget her first few weeks.  She is the sweetest baby, content most of the time and wanting to be held always. She has started giving me her first smiles when I smile at her.  I have even heard her find her voice a few times.  She is the most beautiful baby, especially with her newly chubby cheeks.  She feels so warm when I snuggle her at night.  Her hands and feet are still so little and delicate, but she is very strong, holding her head up when I put her on her belly.

I saw my doctor today to begin the process of finding my way out of this tunnel.  I am not ashamed to say that I am suffering; it's not my fault, it is not something that I asked for.  It is simply my brain's reaction to the hormones swirling around inside of me right now.  I want my girls to know that if they ever feel this way, there is help.  I wouldn't ignore an infection that requires antibiotics, just as I will not ignore this.  My girls need all of me. 

Today was also Ava's IEP meeting at the Western PA School for Blind Children preschool, which has been another source of anxiety for me.  I wasn't sure that I would be able to handle the meeting today with the way that I've been feeling, but it went so well.  The school is amazing; they are totally ready for Ava.  Her goals are set and I just know that she will achieve great things.  I am nervous about her first few weeks.  I'm sure that there will be tears all around, but Bobby and I will be there with her, guiding her into a new chapter of her little life.  Ava has a lot of work to do in preschool - Braille, O&M work with a cane, socialization.  She will not just fingerpaint and play in the sand.  Her road to independence begins here.  I am excited to be involved and volunteer at the preschool - I will be Ava's proud mom for sure! 

I come back to the song that I chose for our homepage, "Better Together" by Jack Johnson often.  Today is one of those times.  The lyrics say...

Love is the answer
at least for most of the questions in my heart,
Why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and
sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing, it's always better when we're together

I look to this song because it reminds me of how very much I love my daughter Ava and how much I love my husband and how much I am growing to know and love Lucie.  I am struggling right now with many different feelings about my new life as a mother of two girls.  One a curious toddler, one a helpless infant.  One who can speak her needs to me, one who cannot.  One who can see, one who cannot.  Both need me equally, but is there enough of me? 

After Ava was born, I suffered greatly from post-partum depression - I was in shock, grieving and physically depleted.  The past few days have been so difficult emotionally.  Christmas is over, Bobby is back to work - I am crying often and scared that I can't be all that the girls need me to be.  Is it also possible that my grief over Ava's blindness is re-opened?  Familliar hormones, feelings, the dark days of winter - maybe all of these things are triggering memories of that uncertain time in our lives. 

Tonight, I see things clearly.  This morning, I did not.  Everything seemed like a disaster.  I cried as if I had lost someone.  Luckily, Lynn (Ava's TVI and good friend) called at just the right moment and came over to spend some time with us.  Tonight, Bobby cooked dinner and we played with Ava together while Lucie slept.  Tonight, family life with two children seems possible.  Tomorrow, who knows?

I will say that I have many people in my life who are blessings - Lynn, Deb (Ava's best babysitter ever), my friend Lesley, my family, the MAPS moms and most of all, my amazing husband, who seems mystical to me sometimes.  When I am in my darkest hour, it is him who talks me out of it.  He knows that I need love and support, not anger.  He says the right things in the right order and does not demand more from me than I can give.  He knows that I want to feel better; he knows what kind of mother I am capable of being.  He knows that I am hard on myself and that I feel a lot of guilt and he tries to ease those burdens.  And most of all, he knows that this is temporary.  We will get through all of these changes and we will come out on top.

Lucie: French; meaning, "Light."  
  My mom was called Lucy by her dad, my Papa, for as long as I can remember.  He would say, "Hey, Luce" to her often and this resonates in my mind.  When we thought of it, Ava caught on and immediately started asking, "You like Lucy?" and each time she said it, I would think of how much I did like it.  At the time, Bobby and I also saw a movie with a little girl named Lucy, and I kept hearing her name called over and over in my mind.  The spelling comes from Bobby's love of (and sometimes struggle with) the French language - it just looks prettier that way to me.  Lucie fits her name - she is our little light, helping us all achieve balance, healing us, making Ava a part of an even bigger family.   

Scout: American; meaning, "first explorer."
  An unusual choice, but this is also a name that I mentioned a while back and that Ava picked up.  She actually was saying "Lucie Scout" before any of us knew that we would choose those names.  I love Harper Lee's To Kill a Mockingbird; it's a book that I've taught a number of times and a film that I cannot get enough of.  When I picture little Scout Finch, strong-willed, innocent, non-judgemental of others and standing up for what she believes in, I know that this is a great middle name for Lucie.  It embodies what I want for her, what I want for Ava.  I hope that they are a team.  I know that Lucie's life will be enriched by Ava and vice versa; they will both have a totally unique way of seeing the world. 

This is a glimpse of what our lives have been like for the past 12 days:

The delivery: C-section was scheduled for 7:30am on Wednesday, December 5th.  My doctor got caught in a snow storm and was 2 hours late.  I consider those two hours to be my labor.  How long can you lie in a room with an IV thinking about your upcoming surgery?  By the time she got there, I was ready to back out.  I could not imagine that big needle going into my back for the spinal, but at 9:30, there I was, cross-legged on the operating table, feeling the familliar warming and then numbing of my lower half.  It was a good feeling; I felt light for the first time in several months.  Lucie was coming.
She was born at 10:08 and cried very hard.  Bobby and I listened to her while the nurses cleaned her up and when I saw her, I couldn't decide if she looked like Ava or not - similar, but different. 

Lucie and Ava together: Ava covers her ears when Lucie cries, but she is trying very hard to overcome this.  She has been touching Lucie's feet, hands and head and we talk about how Lucie needs a paci or a diaper change.  I have been snuggling both girls at once, trying to make Ava understand that Mommy can love both Lucie and Ava at the same time.  Now, if I could just convince myself!  I do feel divided sometimes; I miss being just Ava's mom.  I think that once I recover fully from my surgery and get a little more sleep, I will be able to keep up with them both.  I hope!  Ava looks enormous compared to Lucie and they are both so beautiful.  I want to squeeze them both all the time. 

Truthfully, I'm too tired to write more.  I am in a fog of all-night nursing and diaper changing.  More to come...

Every day, I think of things to write in this journal - 99% of the time, I don't get to the actual writing.  This tells you something about the speed of our lives right now.  Not good, considering we're about to have a BIG slow-down named...well, you might know her name already, but I'm not going to say it here. :)

Ok, Ava's big girl room and bed:
Night 1, November 15th: Mommy cried and took pictures, Ava dressed in big-girl Nick and Nora PJ's and recognized that her blankets and Giraffe were with her and therefore, didn't care a bit that she wasn't in her crib.  She did, however, end up in our big bed from about 2am on.  I was secretly happy about this.

Night 2: Ava played really hard on this day; she was worn out by bedtime.  Again, she didn't protest about the big girl bed and this time, slept all night by herself.  Mommy checked the video monitor 100 times.

Night 3: Ava went to bed at 8:30 and was in our big bed by 12:30.  Hey, it's the first week.

After this, I don't remember specifically what has happened each night; my nights are a blur of tossing and turning, trying to maneuver my big baby belly into a semi-comfortable position.  Leg cramps are frequent at this point.  Try "jumping" out of bed quickly to flatten your foot when you have a watermellon strapped to your abdomen.  It must be quite a sight!  I'm convinced that I sometimes snore, although I cannot get Bobby to admit this.  Just one more reason why he is a great husband.

We just got back yesterday from Thanksgiving at my mom's.  A couple of months ago, I was convinced that by Thanksgiving (38 weeks), I would either: A. not be well enough to go anywhere
B. be so close to labor that my doctor would tell me to stay put, or
C. have delivered the baby

It turns out that none of these things happened, although I was given the 'ok' by my docs to travel a short distance ONLY if I took it easy.  Does shopping on Black Friday count as taking it easy?  Actually, I seriously hurt myself that day, even though mom, Katie and I only went to 2 stores.  The baby is so far down in my pelvis that I cannot be on my feet for hours at a time anymore, or I'm in for a variety of aches and pains.  This is the 9th month that I did not get to experience with Ava, since she was born at 35 weeks.  I still love being pregnant, but I'm ready to deliver this baby so that I can have my life back.

Ava had a fabulous and fun time during our stay, eating lots of turkey, mashed potatoes, veggies and pumpkin pie.  She gets so excited to be with Nonnie, Dida, Aunt Katie and Mia - she sleeps really well at night!  Grams is officially living with my mom and dad now, so she spent a lot of time with Ava - what a gift! 
I may not return to my mom's house before Christmas, depending on what happens with the baby between now and...next weekend.  If I'm not in labor, we've considered going on Saturday to watch WVU play Pitt, but maybe we're pushing it a little.

For now, I have a million color-coded appointments on my Outlook calendar for this week and next, but one sticks out.  Among the "Agora holiday lunch," "ClassConnect session" and Ava's therapy appointments, reads something that looks very ordinary and small, yet is everything but: "Wednesday, December 5, c-section, 7:30 am."  Time to slow down.

We have had an amazing October - above average temperatures, little rain and beautiful colors everywhere.  The nights have been cool and sometimes chilly and the days have been mostly sunny, warm enough for Ava to swing and play outside.  Halloween night was no exception - as the sun went down, it was still around 65 degrees and gorgeous.  We have been preparing Ava for Halloween for an entire month, talking about costumes and candy, feeling pumpkins and practicing our best, "Trick or treat!"  Lynn has helped out by giving Ava pre-Braille activities that relate to Halloween, like matching little plastic skeletons, bats, and, her favorite, mice (yuck).  All I need is to encounter one of those rubber mice on my floor at night and...well, you can imagine.

As we dressed Ava in her spider costume, she was well aware that we were going out for candy.  To Ava, candy means one thing: suckers.  She loves them dearly and will eat just about any flavor.  "Mmmm, Mmmm, candy suckers!" she says.  We thought that we might take her to our neighbors' homes and then drive up to the top of our hill to check out the action in the rest of the neighborhood.  At the last minute, we decided to put Ava in the stroller and just walk up - it was too nice outside to drive.  She was adorable in her costume, with her big spider belly sticking out.  We hit a few houses on the way up the hill and then, as we rounded the top, our neighborhood came alive with the voices of children and jack-o-lanters twinkling. 

Blackridge is a beautiful neighborhood; I can't be modest about that.  It is at it's peak of beauty in the Fall and this night was no exception.  Part of what makes it beautiful are the people who live here, each with a unique flair for landscaping and decorating and entertaining.  Ava talked and sang as we strolled her through the streets, passing lots of other trick-or-treaters and adults gathered in yards, some drinking wine and some around blazing backyard fires, everyone enjoying the incredible Fall evening.  When we went to houses, Ava said, "Trick or treat!" on command, wished our neighbors a "Happy Halloween" and, occasionally, sang, "The Itsy, Bitsy Spider" to the person giving her candy.  She wanted to get out and walk for a while, stopping every few minutes to grab my finger and go "round and round," as she says.  People passing by commented on how cute her costume was - we did not see one other spider the whole night(thanks to Nonnie for finding this totally unique costume)! 

The best part about Halloween this year is that Ava totally got it.  Everything clicked in her little mind - the costume, the candy, the mood, the excitement.  For a sighted child, this is not hard.  For a blind child, getting the whole concept of an event like this takes careful placing of puzzle pieces, one by one.  There is no incidental learning; Ava must be introduced to everything around her by touch, sound and smell.  Parenting Ava requires extreme purpose.  I can never assume that she will pick something up from TV or from a billboard or from a magazine.  For now, we must bring the world to her.  Last year, I didn't ever think that she would get Halloween or Christmas or birthdays.  Her language skills were not well-developed and she was much more reluctant to touch new things.  She has really made incredible progress this year and witnessing each step has been a miracle for us.  I am so thankful that my family has been able to observe her change and grow so much; it has been so healing for all of us. 

Now, if I can just prepare her for the addition of a baby sister...who is ever prepared for that?