Lucie: French; meaning, "Light."  
  My mom was called Lucy by her dad, my Papa, for as long as I can remember.  He would say, "Hey, Luce" to her often and this resonates in my mind.  When we thought of it, Ava caught on and immediately started asking, "You like Lucy?" and each time she said it, I would think of how much I did like it.  At the time, Bobby and I also saw a movie with a little girl named Lucy, and I kept hearing her name called over and over in my mind.  The spelling comes from Bobby's love of (and sometimes struggle with) the French language - it just looks prettier that way to me.  Lucie fits her name - she is our little light, helping us all achieve balance, healing us, making Ava a part of an even bigger family.   

Scout: American; meaning, "first explorer."
  An unusual choice, but this is also a name that I mentioned a while back and that Ava picked up.  She actually was saying "Lucie Scout" before any of us knew that we would choose those names.  I love Harper Lee's To Kill a Mockingbird; it's a book that I've taught a number of times and a film that I cannot get enough of.  When I picture little Scout Finch, strong-willed, innocent, non-judgemental of others and standing up for what she believes in, I know that this is a great middle name for Lucie.  It embodies what I want for her, what I want for Ava.  I hope that they are a team.  I know that Lucie's life will be enriched by Ava and vice versa; they will both have a totally unique way of seeing the world. 

This is a glimpse of what our lives have been like for the past 12 days:

The delivery: C-section was scheduled for 7:30am on Wednesday, December 5th.  My doctor got caught in a snow storm and was 2 hours late.  I consider those two hours to be my labor.  How long can you lie in a room with an IV thinking about your upcoming surgery?  By the time she got there, I was ready to back out.  I could not imagine that big needle going into my back for the spinal, but at 9:30, there I was, cross-legged on the operating table, feeling the familliar warming and then numbing of my lower half.  It was a good feeling; I felt light for the first time in several months.  Lucie was coming.
She was born at 10:08 and cried very hard.  Bobby and I listened to her while the nurses cleaned her up and when I saw her, I couldn't decide if she looked like Ava or not - similar, but different. 

Lucie and Ava together: Ava covers her ears when Lucie cries, but she is trying very hard to overcome this.  She has been touching Lucie's feet, hands and head and we talk about how Lucie needs a paci or a diaper change.  I have been snuggling both girls at once, trying to make Ava understand that Mommy can love both Lucie and Ava at the same time.  Now, if I could just convince myself!  I do feel divided sometimes; I miss being just Ava's mom.  I think that once I recover fully from my surgery and get a little more sleep, I will be able to keep up with them both.  I hope!  Ava looks enormous compared to Lucie and they are both so beautiful.  I want to squeeze them both all the time. 

Truthfully, I'm too tired to write more.  I am in a fog of all-night nursing and diaper changing.  More to come...

Every day, I think of things to write in this journal - 99% of the time, I don't get to the actual writing.  This tells you something about the speed of our lives right now.  Not good, considering we're about to have a BIG slow-down named...well, you might know her name already, but I'm not going to say it here. :)

Ok, Ava's big girl room and bed:
Night 1, November 15th: Mommy cried and took pictures, Ava dressed in big-girl Nick and Nora PJ's and recognized that her blankets and Giraffe were with her and therefore, didn't care a bit that she wasn't in her crib.  She did, however, end up in our big bed from about 2am on.  I was secretly happy about this.

Night 2: Ava played really hard on this day; she was worn out by bedtime.  Again, she didn't protest about the big girl bed and this time, slept all night by herself.  Mommy checked the video monitor 100 times.

Night 3: Ava went to bed at 8:30 and was in our big bed by 12:30.  Hey, it's the first week.

After this, I don't remember specifically what has happened each night; my nights are a blur of tossing and turning, trying to maneuver my big baby belly into a semi-comfortable position.  Leg cramps are frequent at this point.  Try "jumping" out of bed quickly to flatten your foot when you have a watermellon strapped to your abdomen.  It must be quite a sight!  I'm convinced that I sometimes snore, although I cannot get Bobby to admit this.  Just one more reason why he is a great husband.

We just got back yesterday from Thanksgiving at my mom's.  A couple of months ago, I was convinced that by Thanksgiving (38 weeks), I would either: A. not be well enough to go anywhere
B. be so close to labor that my doctor would tell me to stay put, or
C. have delivered the baby

It turns out that none of these things happened, although I was given the 'ok' by my docs to travel a short distance ONLY if I took it easy.  Does shopping on Black Friday count as taking it easy?  Actually, I seriously hurt myself that day, even though mom, Katie and I only went to 2 stores.  The baby is so far down in my pelvis that I cannot be on my feet for hours at a time anymore, or I'm in for a variety of aches and pains.  This is the 9th month that I did not get to experience with Ava, since she was born at 35 weeks.  I still love being pregnant, but I'm ready to deliver this baby so that I can have my life back.

Ava had a fabulous and fun time during our stay, eating lots of turkey, mashed potatoes, veggies and pumpkin pie.  She gets so excited to be with Nonnie, Dida, Aunt Katie and Mia - she sleeps really well at night!  Grams is officially living with my mom and dad now, so she spent a lot of time with Ava - what a gift! 
I may not return to my mom's house before Christmas, depending on what happens with the baby between now and...next weekend.  If I'm not in labor, we've considered going on Saturday to watch WVU play Pitt, but maybe we're pushing it a little.

For now, I have a million color-coded appointments on my Outlook calendar for this week and next, but one sticks out.  Among the "Agora holiday lunch," "ClassConnect session" and Ava's therapy appointments, reads something that looks very ordinary and small, yet is everything but: "Wednesday, December 5, c-section, 7:30 am."  Time to slow down.

We have had an amazing October - above average temperatures, little rain and beautiful colors everywhere.  The nights have been cool and sometimes chilly and the days have been mostly sunny, warm enough for Ava to swing and play outside.  Halloween night was no exception - as the sun went down, it was still around 65 degrees and gorgeous.  We have been preparing Ava for Halloween for an entire month, talking about costumes and candy, feeling pumpkins and practicing our best, "Trick or treat!"  Lynn has helped out by giving Ava pre-Braille activities that relate to Halloween, like matching little plastic skeletons, bats, and, her favorite, mice (yuck).  All I need is to encounter one of those rubber mice on my floor at night and...well, you can imagine.

As we dressed Ava in her spider costume, she was well aware that we were going out for candy.  To Ava, candy means one thing: suckers.  She loves them dearly and will eat just about any flavor.  "Mmmm, Mmmm, candy suckers!" she says.  We thought that we might take her to our neighbors' homes and then drive up to the top of our hill to check out the action in the rest of the neighborhood.  At the last minute, we decided to put Ava in the stroller and just walk up - it was too nice outside to drive.  She was adorable in her costume, with her big spider belly sticking out.  We hit a few houses on the way up the hill and then, as we rounded the top, our neighborhood came alive with the voices of children and jack-o-lanters twinkling. 

Blackridge is a beautiful neighborhood; I can't be modest about that.  It is at it's peak of beauty in the Fall and this night was no exception.  Part of what makes it beautiful are the people who live here, each with a unique flair for landscaping and decorating and entertaining.  Ava talked and sang as we strolled her through the streets, passing lots of other trick-or-treaters and adults gathered in yards, some drinking wine and some around blazing backyard fires, everyone enjoying the incredible Fall evening.  When we went to houses, Ava said, "Trick or treat!" on command, wished our neighbors a "Happy Halloween" and, occasionally, sang, "The Itsy, Bitsy Spider" to the person giving her candy.  She wanted to get out and walk for a while, stopping every few minutes to grab my finger and go "round and round," as she says.  People passing by commented on how cute her costume was - we did not see one other spider the whole night(thanks to Nonnie for finding this totally unique costume)! 

The best part about Halloween this year is that Ava totally got it.  Everything clicked in her little mind - the costume, the candy, the mood, the excitement.  For a sighted child, this is not hard.  For a blind child, getting the whole concept of an event like this takes careful placing of puzzle pieces, one by one.  There is no incidental learning; Ava must be introduced to everything around her by touch, sound and smell.  Parenting Ava requires extreme purpose.  I can never assume that she will pick something up from TV or from a billboard or from a magazine.  For now, we must bring the world to her.  Last year, I didn't ever think that she would get Halloween or Christmas or birthdays.  Her language skills were not well-developed and she was much more reluctant to touch new things.  She has really made incredible progress this year and witnessing each step has been a miracle for us.  I am so thankful that my family has been able to observe her change and grow so much; it has been so healing for all of us. 

Now, if I can just prepare her for the addition of a baby sister...who is ever prepared for that?

Today, we will travel to Cleveland to meet our cyber-friends, Jill, Erik and Ella, who share our lives in so many ways.  Ella is the first child of Jill and Erik, nearly 16 months old, and was born with anophthalmia.  We met them through the wonderful Yahoo board that we belong to.  You can't imagine that it would be this exciting to meet another family that simply understands you - who understand the world of conformers, ocularists, Braille, and O&M - to know that you don't have to explain anything to them about your own child, feelings, life.  This is why I'm awake at 6am on a Saturday - I am so darn excited, I can't sleep.

Last night, I went out with another friend, Nicholas's mom, Colleen.  We went next door for a little get-together with our neighbors and then headed out for coffee, a total treat for two moms on a Friday night.  The weather was glorious - crisp and cold.  Someone on our street was burning their outdoor fireplace and our neighbors had luscious cinnamon and spice candles burning and I thought, "This is my kind of night!"  When I came home, the house was clean, Bobby was watching a football game (surprise) and Ava was peacefully sleeping.  I told Bob how Colleen and I spoke about motherhood, about the challenges and joys of raising our children, about our decision to have another child.  I told him that I felt so lucky, sitting there sipping my coffee on this beautiful Fall night.  Lucky that I had a friend to talk to about being a mom, that I had this safe haven of a house to come home to, that I am carrying my second daughter, that my first daughter was upstairs in her bed, feeling safe and warm, and that she was healthy and smart and beautiful.  And I actually wondered, "How did I get to be this lucky?  What did I do to deserve this amazing life?"  This struck me, as a couple of years ago, my queries were just the opposite.  The "whys" never stopped coming after Ava was born - why this child, why this family?  Why couldn't my child see and others can?  Make no mistake; I still have "why?" moments and days, but they don't rule my life anymore.

Ava's vocabulary increases...every day, I swear.  She comes up with new things to say and new ways to say them.  Bobby teaches her simple words in English, French and Spanish, and lately, she's started using this trio of languages in a very interesting way.  If I give Ava a different kind of cookie than she is used to, she might say, "Engwish cookie?"  For a few days, I didn't know what that meant, and finally, I figured out that "English" (or "Engwish, as she pronounces it) means, "regular."  She uses this all of the time now to discern between something that is new, and the one that she is typically used to or comfortable with.  Or, maybe she's playing the electric piano, and she has pushed the demo button and songs are playing like crazy.  If she wants it back to just the regular old setting, she will say, "Engwish organ?"  I, of course, think that this is completely ingenious.  She is playing with language, she is making it work for her, yet another sign that she can think and learn like any other child, sighted or not.

Last night was an "Engwish" night for me - so typical, so normal, so regular, so comfortable.  I didn't think that I would ever feel so blessed to have such a conventional life.

Dear Ava Elizabeth and "Baby Scout" (as Ava calls you),

  Today is a great day, because I woke up knowing that I was having another daughter for sure.  I told Daddy, "I only have girls - sorry!" and I think it's true.  I also think that you may have another little sister someday and I may already know what her name is, but that is for another time. We'll see how much baby Scout's arrival makes us want another!

  Right now, Daddy and I are starting to make a new room for you, Ava.  It will be soft pink and pale yellow, with butterflies stitched into the curtains so that you can feel them.  You will have a bookshelf to hold all of your beloved books, like Roly Poly Man, Gobs of Gum, Shapes Book, and Farm book, as you call them.  You will have a special butterfly pillow that is soft and easy to squeeze.  You will have a big-girl bed that has another hidden bed in it, so that someday, cousin Mia or a friend can sleep over.  It will be hard to move you from your little nursery into this new room because you are my first baby.  I will always think of you as a tiny infant, kicking your little legs on that changing table while listening to music.  You loved your kick & play piano that used to be in your crib; now you love to listen to Jack Johnson sing, "Upside Down" and "People Watching." You are a hip little toddler! You have the prettiest smile I have ever seen and your teeth are so beautiful and white! Mommy makes you brush them twice a day, and you let me because you are so good and trusting.  You are also the only baby that I know who has never cried when I clip your toenails and fingernails.  Though you are very independent and want to make your own decisions, you will very often stop playing with your toys and ask, "Snuggle Mommy?" and my heart swells with happiness at those words.  Then, you climb up with me on the couch and will say, "blanket on?"  You only want the soft, pink blanket that Nino Pat sent you when you were born.  Everyday I am thankful for these moments and also for the bigger things, like your health and intelligence.  Ava, you may not see the world in a typical way, but you don't need to.  You will find your own way.  Mommy and Daddy can't wait to find out how you will take the world by surprise, but we don't want that time to come too fast.  Someday, when you are old enough to read this, try to remember the days and nights that the three of us - you, Daddy and me - spent playing, laughing and loving each other.

Baby Scout - your big sister has already decided what she will call you and I have a feeling that it will stick!  You haven't quite told Mommy what your true name is, but we are getting closer.  Yesterday, Daddy and I saw you on an ultrasound - the 4th one that we have had since I became pregnant with you.  We are nearly 28 weeks along, which means that we don't have to wait much longer to meet you.  In the time that we have left together, with you growing inside of me, Mommy's favorite time of year will come about.  I will carry you through the Fall, through harvest festivals and pumpkins, spiced chai and cider, and hope that you also grow to love this time of year.  We will have celebrations for you before you are born.  We will spend Thanksgiving...well, we don't know where yet, because that is so close to your due date!  I will put our Christmas tree up early so that it will be here when you arrive.  We will wait for you and dream about you every day until you are here.  For now, you like to lie sideways in my belly, streatching our your legs and arms so that I get kicked and punched at the same time.  Good for you!  You are strong and healthy.  You are coming into a family where seeds have already been planted.  Daddy and I will be old pros at changing your diaper, bathing you, always remembering the first-time parent mishaps that we had with your big sister.  You will be a different person because your parents will not be as fearful when you arrive - you will feel our confidence and it will shape you.  My second daughter, I hope that you will know that being pregnant with you has brought me a second chance to feel life and to enjoy a pregnancy that has been joyful and relaxing for me.  This is a gift and someday, we will talk about why.  I hope that you and your sister, Ava, grow close, though I know that will take a while.  I hope that you always see people for who they are on the inside, and forget their differences on the outside.  When I think of you and Ava in the future, I see two little girls, dressed in autumn colors with your beautiful dark hair, traipsing through the leaves, exploring the world together. 

It occurred to me that I have no digital pictures of my Papa; I did not own a digital camera 9 years ago.  Bobby and I were not married before he died, I was still an undergraduate at Pitt, Mia was less than a year old.  I haven't been to the cemetary in a long time - it was once a place that I visited often.  But today, on his 9th anniversary, my mom, Grams, Aunt Georgeanne, Katie, Mia, Ava and I visited his grave and I really wanted to take pictures.  I look at them and can't believe how much our family has changed and grown since he was with us.  I have a toddler who will never know my Papa, and yet, she embodies so many things about him that I almost feel as though they do know each other.

Mia starts the 4th grade tomorrow, Ava will turn 3 in less than 6 months and I am a trimester away from becoming a mother again.  I think that Papa would like who Mia has become - she is sweet, sensitive and smart.  She is interesting and loves to talk.  She would definitely have loved riding in his truck and stopping at the grocery store, and, as Papa would say, "going in for a gallon of milk and coming out $20 later."  He teased us about spending his money, about how we enjoyed the finer things in life.  He helped us to build this life that we are living.  He would be fond of knowing Ava, as I know Grams is now.  He would be happy to see her walking around, to hear her little voice.  He loved when the babies got old enough to get into everything. He would not judge her for her differences.  He would see in her the purity and sanctity that he saw in all children.  He would want her to holler and to pull his moustache.  He would take her into his garden.  He would want Bobby and I to do our best by her.  His wounds might be healed a little by her.  He would be proud of us now.

  I am nearly 23 weeks pregnant and starting to feel it.  My lap is much smaller and it's getting harder to pick up Ava, but I will never give up our bedtime ritual of sitting in the rocking chair, no matter how big this baby gets!  Tonight, as we were rocking, I told Ava that Daddy was at work, and she said, "Miss Daddy."  I, of course, quietly burst into tears at the sheer tenderness of that, and then she continued..."Miss Nonnie, Miss Mia," as the waterworks continued down my face.  I am amazed at Ava's ability to know others, to love others and to connect with them in the way that she does.  The last time we were at my mom's house, Ava actually gave Nonnie a hug around the neck while they were playing on the floor together.  It was so purposeful - she wanted to tell Nonnie, "Thanks for playing with me." 

  I used to worry that Ava was disconnected from others, that maybe her blindness would prevent her from forming relationships.  She just needed a little time.  Her language capabilities have helped tremendously now that she can express what she wants and likes.  Today, I got the "Your toddler is 30 months old!" email from www.babycenter.com - and one of this month's topics for Ava's age was language development.  The article stated, "At this age, your child may be able to name a few body parts (HA! Ava can name them all!), and may be able to form simple, two-word sentences.  Though she may not be able to understand or say more complex words, model advanced language skills for her."  Please!  Ava's latest word, which she says crystal clear, is "orchestra."  She has a Baby Einstein CD entitled, "Meet the Orchestra" and she asks for it by name.  She's off the charts, right? :)

  In exactly 6 months, we will celebrate Ava's 3rd birthday and she will start preschool.  This is continually hard for me to believe, but I am excited for her.  She will cry and not understand for a few days, maybe even a few weeks, I'm sure, but I know that she will thrive eventually.  How can I ever let her know how full of love my heart is for her or how proud I am of who she has already become?  My little daughter is my hero.  She doesn't see where she is going, but she is not afraid to go.  She does not know what my face looks like, yet she calms at the sound of my voice and seeks out my comfort.  She may never know that she has her Daddy's nose and her Mommy's mouth, or what color her skin or hair is, but she will still be her very own person and define herself in other ways.  She will trust me to dress her and feed her and to put her in the car and the swimming pool and the swing - never really knowing what is coming next.  What did I ever do to deserve such unwavering faith from this little person?  I can only assume that it comes from loving her every day of her life and from the struggle that we have fought through together.