Today, we will travel to Cleveland to meet our cyber-friends, Jill, Erik and Ella, who share our lives in so many ways.  Ella is the first child of Jill and Erik, nearly 16 months old, and was born with anophthalmia.  We met them through the wonderful Yahoo board that we belong to.  You can't imagine that it would be this exciting to meet another family that simply understands you - who understand the world of conformers, ocularists, Braille, and O&M - to know that you don't have to explain anything to them about your own child, feelings, life.  This is why I'm awake at 6am on a Saturday - I am so darn excited, I can't sleep.

Last night, I went out with another friend, Nicholas's mom, Colleen.  We went next door for a little get-together with our neighbors and then headed out for coffee, a total treat for two moms on a Friday night.  The weather was glorious - crisp and cold.  Someone on our street was burning their outdoor fireplace and our neighbors had luscious cinnamon and spice candles burning and I thought, "This is my kind of night!"  When I came home, the house was clean, Bobby was watching a football game (surprise) and Ava was peacefully sleeping.  I told Bob how Colleen and I spoke about motherhood, about the challenges and joys of raising our children, about our decision to have another child.  I told him that I felt so lucky, sitting there sipping my coffee on this beautiful Fall night.  Lucky that I had a friend to talk to about being a mom, that I had this safe haven of a house to come home to, that I am carrying my second daughter, that my first daughter was upstairs in her bed, feeling safe and warm, and that she was healthy and smart and beautiful.  And I actually wondered, "How did I get to be this lucky?  What did I do to deserve this amazing life?"  This struck me, as a couple of years ago, my queries were just the opposite.  The "whys" never stopped coming after Ava was born - why this child, why this family?  Why couldn't my child see and others can?  Make no mistake; I still have "why?" moments and days, but they don't rule my life anymore.

Ava's vocabulary increases...every day, I swear.  She comes up with new things to say and new ways to say them.  Bobby teaches her simple words in English, French and Spanish, and lately, she's started using this trio of languages in a very interesting way.  If I give Ava a different kind of cookie than she is used to, she might say, "Engwish cookie?"  For a few days, I didn't know what that meant, and finally, I figured out that "English" (or "Engwish, as she pronounces it) means, "regular."  She uses this all of the time now to discern between something that is new, and the one that she is typically used to or comfortable with.  Or, maybe she's playing the electric piano, and she has pushed the demo button and songs are playing like crazy.  If she wants it back to just the regular old setting, she will say, "Engwish organ?"  I, of course, think that this is completely ingenious.  She is playing with language, she is making it work for her, yet another sign that she can think and learn like any other child, sighted or not.

Last night was an "Engwish" night for me - so typical, so normal, so regular, so comfortable.  I didn't think that I would ever feel so blessed to have such a conventional life.

Dear Ava Elizabeth and "Baby Scout" (as Ava calls you),

  Today is a great day, because I woke up knowing that I was having another daughter for sure.  I told Daddy, "I only have girls - sorry!" and I think it's true.  I also think that you may have another little sister someday and I may already know what her name is, but that is for another time. We'll see how much baby Scout's arrival makes us want another!

  Right now, Daddy and I are starting to make a new room for you, Ava.  It will be soft pink and pale yellow, with butterflies stitched into the curtains so that you can feel them.  You will have a bookshelf to hold all of your beloved books, like Roly Poly Man, Gobs of Gum, Shapes Book, and Farm book, as you call them.  You will have a special butterfly pillow that is soft and easy to squeeze.  You will have a big-girl bed that has another hidden bed in it, so that someday, cousin Mia or a friend can sleep over.  It will be hard to move you from your little nursery into this new room because you are my first baby.  I will always think of you as a tiny infant, kicking your little legs on that changing table while listening to music.  You loved your kick & play piano that used to be in your crib; now you love to listen to Jack Johnson sing, "Upside Down" and "People Watching." You are a hip little toddler! You have the prettiest smile I have ever seen and your teeth are so beautiful and white! Mommy makes you brush them twice a day, and you let me because you are so good and trusting.  You are also the only baby that I know who has never cried when I clip your toenails and fingernails.  Though you are very independent and want to make your own decisions, you will very often stop playing with your toys and ask, "Snuggle Mommy?" and my heart swells with happiness at those words.  Then, you climb up with me on the couch and will say, "blanket on?"  You only want the soft, pink blanket that Nino Pat sent you when you were born.  Everyday I am thankful for these moments and also for the bigger things, like your health and intelligence.  Ava, you may not see the world in a typical way, but you don't need to.  You will find your own way.  Mommy and Daddy can't wait to find out how you will take the world by surprise, but we don't want that time to come too fast.  Someday, when you are old enough to read this, try to remember the days and nights that the three of us - you, Daddy and me - spent playing, laughing and loving each other.

Baby Scout - your big sister has already decided what she will call you and I have a feeling that it will stick!  You haven't quite told Mommy what your true name is, but we are getting closer.  Yesterday, Daddy and I saw you on an ultrasound - the 4th one that we have had since I became pregnant with you.  We are nearly 28 weeks along, which means that we don't have to wait much longer to meet you.  In the time that we have left together, with you growing inside of me, Mommy's favorite time of year will come about.  I will carry you through the Fall, through harvest festivals and pumpkins, spiced chai and cider, and hope that you also grow to love this time of year.  We will have celebrations for you before you are born.  We will spend Thanksgiving...well, we don't know where yet, because that is so close to your due date!  I will put our Christmas tree up early so that it will be here when you arrive.  We will wait for you and dream about you every day until you are here.  For now, you like to lie sideways in my belly, streatching our your legs and arms so that I get kicked and punched at the same time.  Good for you!  You are strong and healthy.  You are coming into a family where seeds have already been planted.  Daddy and I will be old pros at changing your diaper, bathing you, always remembering the first-time parent mishaps that we had with your big sister.  You will be a different person because your parents will not be as fearful when you arrive - you will feel our confidence and it will shape you.  My second daughter, I hope that you will know that being pregnant with you has brought me a second chance to feel life and to enjoy a pregnancy that has been joyful and relaxing for me.  This is a gift and someday, we will talk about why.  I hope that you and your sister, Ava, grow close, though I know that will take a while.  I hope that you always see people for who they are on the inside, and forget their differences on the outside.  When I think of you and Ava in the future, I see two little girls, dressed in autumn colors with your beautiful dark hair, traipsing through the leaves, exploring the world together. 

It occurred to me that I have no digital pictures of my Papa; I did not own a digital camera 9 years ago.  Bobby and I were not married before he died, I was still an undergraduate at Pitt, Mia was less than a year old.  I haven't been to the cemetary in a long time - it was once a place that I visited often.  But today, on his 9th anniversary, my mom, Grams, Aunt Georgeanne, Katie, Mia, Ava and I visited his grave and I really wanted to take pictures.  I look at them and can't believe how much our family has changed and grown since he was with us.  I have a toddler who will never know my Papa, and yet, she embodies so many things about him that I almost feel as though they do know each other.

Mia starts the 4th grade tomorrow, Ava will turn 3 in less than 6 months and I am a trimester away from becoming a mother again.  I think that Papa would like who Mia has become - she is sweet, sensitive and smart.  She is interesting and loves to talk.  She would definitely have loved riding in his truck and stopping at the grocery store, and, as Papa would say, "going in for a gallon of milk and coming out $20 later."  He teased us about spending his money, about how we enjoyed the finer things in life.  He helped us to build this life that we are living.  He would be fond of knowing Ava, as I know Grams is now.  He would be happy to see her walking around, to hear her little voice.  He loved when the babies got old enough to get into everything. He would not judge her for her differences.  He would see in her the purity and sanctity that he saw in all children.  He would want her to holler and to pull his moustache.  He would take her into his garden.  He would want Bobby and I to do our best by her.  His wounds might be healed a little by her.  He would be proud of us now.

  I am nearly 23 weeks pregnant and starting to feel it.  My lap is much smaller and it's getting harder to pick up Ava, but I will never give up our bedtime ritual of sitting in the rocking chair, no matter how big this baby gets!  Tonight, as we were rocking, I told Ava that Daddy was at work, and she said, "Miss Daddy."  I, of course, quietly burst into tears at the sheer tenderness of that, and then she continued..."Miss Nonnie, Miss Mia," as the waterworks continued down my face.  I am amazed at Ava's ability to know others, to love others and to connect with them in the way that she does.  The last time we were at my mom's house, Ava actually gave Nonnie a hug around the neck while they were playing on the floor together.  It was so purposeful - she wanted to tell Nonnie, "Thanks for playing with me." 

  I used to worry that Ava was disconnected from others, that maybe her blindness would prevent her from forming relationships.  She just needed a little time.  Her language capabilities have helped tremendously now that she can express what she wants and likes.  Today, I got the "Your toddler is 30 months old!" email from www.babycenter.com - and one of this month's topics for Ava's age was language development.  The article stated, "At this age, your child may be able to name a few body parts (HA! Ava can name them all!), and may be able to form simple, two-word sentences.  Though she may not be able to understand or say more complex words, model advanced language skills for her."  Please!  Ava's latest word, which she says crystal clear, is "orchestra."  She has a Baby Einstein CD entitled, "Meet the Orchestra" and she asks for it by name.  She's off the charts, right? :)

  In exactly 6 months, we will celebrate Ava's 3rd birthday and she will start preschool.  This is continually hard for me to believe, but I am excited for her.  She will cry and not understand for a few days, maybe even a few weeks, I'm sure, but I know that she will thrive eventually.  How can I ever let her know how full of love my heart is for her or how proud I am of who she has already become?  My little daughter is my hero.  She doesn't see where she is going, but she is not afraid to go.  She does not know what my face looks like, yet she calms at the sound of my voice and seeks out my comfort.  She may never know that she has her Daddy's nose and her Mommy's mouth, or what color her skin or hair is, but she will still be her very own person and define herself in other ways.  She will trust me to dress her and feed her and to put her in the car and the swimming pool and the swing - never really knowing what is coming next.  What did I ever do to deserve such unwavering faith from this little person?  I can only assume that it comes from loving her every day of her life and from the struggle that we have fought through together.

  If Ava wants you around, she will acknowledge you by saying, "Aunt Katie on."  "Mia on." "Guitar music on."  But, if she isn't too fond of what you are saying or just plain old you, she will often greet you with, "Bye-bye Julie!  Julie off."  I love this object/human confusion - she really does think that she can control the world.  (Wait, can she?)  I am happy to say that I have never been told, "Mommy off," but I'm sure this will change when she's about...13 years old. 

  Mia spent last week with us, taking her place as Ava's big sister for a while.  This has become an annual tradition and I always miss her when she's gone.  It's fun having an older child to talk to when you're doing daily things with Ava.  The last day that she was here, she got really into playing with Ava, giving her a bath - it was so cute!  On Wednesday, Bobby and I took the girls to Sandcastle water park and we had such a fun time.  Ava loves the water and she was pretty brave that day, touching some of the little waterfalls in the kiddie pool and wading through waist-deep water.  While we're in the water, she asks me to sing all of the "Under the Sea" songs on her CD and sometimes, she sang along!  She has the cutest singing voice.

  We had another ultrasound yesterday and the results were positive.  The baby's eyes are measuring perfectly, as is everything else about her.  I am starting to notice her in utero schedule - she loves to kick me around 11:00 at night.  A preview of nights to come, I'm sure!

  I have no names that I love completely - I don't like to name my babies before the 8th month or so.  I have to get to know her a little first and that can only come as she grows and moves more and more.   I think that naming a baby should be as selfless as possible - who do you want to pay tribute to, who does the baby remind you of, what name fits her personality?  It's all about legacy - one that exists now or one that your child will create.  Ava chose her name when I was 34 weeks pregnant - she told it to me in a dream.  Just in time!   
I'm so looking forward to knowing this brand new person and seeing her with her big sister, who is the sweetest girl I know.

  Three days ago, I felt a little flip.  Then, a kick and a few swipes.  I think that it is so amazing that one day, you feel nothing and the next day, your baby has suddenly become strong enough to let you know that she is there.  I felt Ava at exactly 19 weeks, too; she let me know that she was strong, healthy, growing.  This little girl is doing the same.  It is phenominal, it is a gift to feel that movement.  Those who never feel it (sorry, all men!) are missing one of life's great pleasures - the feeling of life.  It is my secret and even my own husband cannot possibly know this child the way that I do now.  This reaffirms my notion that women are more powerful than men; we have this precious secret to keep. 

  I can't wait to meet this new baby.  I have done everything right and that gives me peace.  No matter what the outcome, I have done my absolute best.

Last night we did something very important for us and for Ava - we met a new family with two blind children.  Our TVI, Lynn, works with their youngest, a little girl named Miriam, and wanted us to get together, so she hosted a cookout.  Also in attendance were our friends Colleen, Tim and their son, Nicholas (Ava's buddy); 2 graduate students from Pitt's TVI program, and Leanne, our 12-year-old friend and her father, Frank. 

When Ava was born, I felt so alone.  Her condition is so rare and you begin to feel like you have no one who understands what you are going through.  I have come to find out that there are lots of families like ours out there; we just needed a way to make connections.  Recently, 8 other moms of children with anophthalmia/microphthalmia and myself have started a new support group called MAPS (Microphthalmia Anophthalmia Parent Support).  We have a website (www.maparentsupport.com) and we have been cooresponding with other families who find us on the Internet.  Our mission is simply to ensure that others are not alone and that they get the best advice out there, straight from other moms who have been in their shoes.  The family that we met last night is finding new information and making new connections because of MAPS.

So, as we all gathered together on a beautiful summer evening to watch and listen to our children (4/7 in attendance were blind!) run, swing, and chatter away, I felt invigorated and peaceful at the same time.  The fears that I had when Ava was born are just whispers now; I am her mother and I will build a world, a community...just for her.