I would if I could

I can still feel the heat that filled the room,

And still smell the soap I scrubbed with,

I would still react if I heard "X-ray please

And still perch on that stool.

I can still hear the machine pumping away,

And still read the dials and displays,

I can still hear alarms and buzzing lights,

And still see the monitored pulse.

I would still help to soothe my kicking boy

And still staunch the blood from his heel.

I would still comfort my raging son

And still rub his crumpled brow.

I would still drink the water and read from a book,

And still will my boy to survive,

I could still make the phone call in the dead of night

And still speak of doctors with praise.

I would help with his nappy, or washing him down,

And I'd help while they put in new lines,

I would sing to him when we were alone,

And he would ignore me again.

I can still see him refusing to look until the light was dim,

And I'd catch him slyly sneaking a peek,

I would tell him that his dad was here, and how I'd always stay,

And he'd raise his eyebrow to agree.

I could get from the car park to ICU without having to open my eyes,

And buzz at the door to be let in, in my half conscious haze,

I could smile as they greet me and usher me in,

To my boy in his perspex house.

But my boy is not there, and I visit no more,

But I would 'til I ended my days,

My son was a big man, courageous and bold,

A winner, up 'til the end.

So now we must mourn you, for all of our days,

And wonder what might have been,

Our son, so tiny, yet so full of life,

Inspiring to all he had seen.

Written by Bailey's daddy, Nigel.

What sort of man would my son grow to be?

What sort of man would my son grow to be?

The image of his mum, or would he imitate me?

On the journey he’d take from baby to man,

What changes would he go through in that span?

Would he skin his knees and get a fat lip?

Would he climb tall trees or fall from a trip?

Would he sink like a stone, or swim like a fish?

To see my boy grow is all that I wished.

Like every dad I’m proud of my son,

There was no other like him, not even one,

He was as hard as nails and fought like a bear,

And it’s hard to believe that he’s no longer there.

My son is my hero; he fought tooth and nail,

But as the end came he just was too frail,

Though his life was short, it achieved huge things,

But his death still hurts and his absence still stings.

Written by Nigel, Bailey's daddy.

The following is a poem written by Lou Miller, mummy of Amy. I read Amy's story on SANDS and could relate to the pain and grief felt by her parents. Lou had problems during labour that went undetected and as a result Amy's brain was starved of oxegyn, leaving her very ill. Amy died a month later leaving her mummy and daddy to live that 'new kind of normal' that so many of us now know so well.

I hope Amy and Bailey are now good friends in heaven and I know that they look out for us. Always!

Dear Mum

When the light went from my life

You were submerged in darkness and pain

Simple tasks are impossible to do

You wonder if it’s ever worth breathing again.

But be strong for me

Don’t be consumed

By the anger, guilt, and loss.

Cherish the life that you still have

And know that I love you lots

Difficult decisions you had to make

But the outcome was already clear

Selfish sustinence of my life Would not benefit me here

Even though you did everything right

To protect your unborn child

The moment life started,

Things went wrong

I’d been waiting to meet you

For far too long

Yet you kill yourself with “what ifs”

Maybe I could have been the one

Who’d miraculously survive

Despite the damage done

A life of care and no awareness

Is not much life at all

No words,

No thought,

Survive not live

Is what you saved me from

So remember now Mummy,

When you’re crying out your heart

There was no chance that I could stay

From the moment my life did start

Don’t worry Mummy, I know your heart is true,

That you loved me deeply,

Just as I love you.

When you are feeling desolate

For the life that has been lost

Remember I’m here waiting for you

When it’s time our paths will cross

Have no fear about me now

For I am cured and safe from harm

Even though it’s in your arms I long to be

I am happy and waiting here for thee

And if the time comes

And you are blessed

With another child in your life.

Feel free to love them as you would’ve done

If I’d been there by your side.

I won’t feel betrayed, forgotten, replaced

As long as I’m remembered

‘Cause in your heart there’s lots of space

For many family members

So speak my name and talk of me,

in polite company

And when people ask “How many?”

Add one on for me

For ‘though I’m lost, I’m always yours

And you are still my Mum

And this love is felt between us,

Even though I am now gone

Live your life as best you can

And have no fear or guilt.

Try to live the dreams you have

and grab hold of the life you’ve built.

Remember me often,

But don’t let me rule your world

I know you gave your all for me,

And would change things if you could.

I am not gone forever,

In time we will re-unite.

But for now I’ll settle for watching you sleep

And kissing your head goodnight.

I was talking to a lady the other day who had lost her husband. We were talking about how difficult it is to deal with our grief when she asked me, "do you talk about Bailey much"? My answer was immediate but as soon as I said it, it startled me. You see my answer was the truth but I hadn't really said it out loud before, thus 'making it real'.

I looked at her and I said "No I don't, because people don't want to talk about him".

I had a beautiful baby boy and my heart is filled with so much pride for him and yet I can't really share it with people.

I would give anything for someone to come to me and say " Tell me about Bailey, did he have hair, who did he look like?" But they never do. You see people are so busy trying not to hurt me that they inevitably do just that. They think by not 'talking about it' that it's better for you, but it's not. I will cry when I talk about Bailey but I cry anyway, every single day.

Please take the time to read 'The bereaved parents wish list' on page 4 of the journal and please if you meet me don't be afraid to talk about Bailey. It really is my favourite subject and if you'd have known him you would fully understand. Bailey has gone to be an angel now but he is still a huge part of my life. That will never change. Nor would I want it to.

It will never be the same, never. As a bereaved parent, you have often heard or said these words to express grief and profound feelings of sorrow and disorientation. Your life has suddenly taken an unexpected course that seems both unchartered and endless. Bewildered, you vainly search for pathways back to your former life, until you confront the reality that there is no way back. Your child is dead forever. It is then that you may say "never the same" This is the aspect of grief that Simon Stephens calls "The valley of the shadow".It is that very long time between the death of your child and your reinvestment in life. Between, it is not supposed to be a permenant resting place. Although some people do take up residence in the valley, it is a transition from the death of your child to life with renewed purpose. The key to this transition is you. You must choose between life and the valley. You and only you can decide and you must make that decision again and again, each day. Giving in to the hopelessness of the valley is tempting. Choosing to move on towards life requires a great deal of work. You must struggle with the pain of grief in order to resolve it. It is a daily struggle full of tears, anger, guilt and self-doubt, but it is the only alternative to surrendering yourself to the valley. Little by little you choose to move on. Little by little you progress towards the other side of the valley. It takes a very long time, far longer than your friends or relatives expected. Far longer than you had believed, even prayed that it would be. When one day you find yourself able to do more than choose merely to live, but also how to live, you will know that you are leaving "The valley of the shadow". There will be still more work to do, more struggle and choosing. The valley, however, stretches behind rather than in front of you. When you have resolved your grief by re-investing in life, you will be able to realise that nothing is ever "the same". Life is change. We would not have it to be otherwise for that is "The valley of the shadow." Change has the promise of beginning and the excitement of discovery. Life is never the same. Life is change. Choose life!

This was a reading that baby Adam's (www.totsites.com/tot/adamellerslie) mum gave to me. I think it was read out at a grief share meeting.

Would you let me talk about my baby that died?

Would your heart be open to all the sadness that’s still inside of me?

Would you listen as I would tell you of the joy he gave to me?

Would you want to hear about his sweet beautiful, perfect face,

The toes and fingers that were all there?

Would you change the subject when I told you about his naming ceremony shortly before he died?

That they took off all the wires and tubes and that his life truly was coming to an end?

Would your face change when I told you that in my arms, he died?

Would you get up and walk away from me if I just had to tell you more?

About the perfection I held in my arms for such a very, very short time.

The tears I cried could have made a river as I had to let him go

Would you help to wipe away the tears as I told you more?

About the months he’s travelled with me in my heart and in my mind

Would you hug me and just listen about the pain that I endured?

Would you just be there quietly open to all the feelings I may need to express?

If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then you have passed the test So many others could have failed and I would be alone, with no friend to share my precious son's life. I can’t and won’t forget him and I need to be able to talk about him. He is very real and precious to me. And you just passed the test.

Written by Sheryl Mc Mahon, Mummy to Alison Hannah, one of Bailey's angel friends.