Totsites - Bailey Andrew Louis Marshall

Bailey Andrew Louis Marshall

11/04/2006

What makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes

And prayed to God today.

I asked what makes a Mother

And I know I heard him say.

A Mother has a baby

This we know is true.'

But God, can you be a Mother When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, He replied

With confidence in His voice

I give many women babies

When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime

And others for a day.

And some I send to feel your womb

But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this, God

I want my baby here

He took a breath and cleared His throat

And then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you

What your child is doing today.

If you could see your child smile

With other children and say:

"We go to earth to learn our lessons

Of love and life and fear.

My Mummy loved me oh so much

I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mum

Who had, so much love for me

I learned my lesson very quickly

My Mummy set me free.

I miss my Mummy oh so much

But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep

On her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear.

"Mummy don't be sad today

I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one

Your children are ok

Your babies are here in My home

And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you, with Me

Until your lessons are all through.

And on the day that you come home

They'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart.

It's the love you had so much of,

Right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize

You are a Mother until their time is done.

They'll be up here with Me one day

And you know you're the best one!

When tomorrow starts without me

And I 'm not here to see,

If the sun should rise and find your eyes

All filled with tears for me.

I wish so much you wouldn't cry

The way you did today,

While thinking of the many things

We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,

As much as I love you,

And each time you think of me

I know you'll miss me too.

But when tomorrow starts without me,

Please try to understand,

That an angel came and called my name

and took me by the hand.

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10/04/2006

BEREAVED PARENTS WISH LIST

I wish Bailey hadn't died. I wish I had him back.

I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. Bailey lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.

If I cry and get emotional when you talk about Bailey, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. Bailey's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.

I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you, but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about Bailey; my favorite topic of the day.

I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my Bailey's death pains you too. I wish you would let me know these things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.

I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over. These first years are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of Bailey until the day I die.

I am working hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss Bailey and I will always grieve that he is dead.

I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or "be happy". Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself. I don't want to have a "Pity party", but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

When I say, "I'm doing okay", I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.

I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

Your advice to "take it one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.

Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When Bailey died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before Bailey died and I will never be that person again.

I wish very much that you could understand ~ understand my loss and my grief. But, I pray daily that you will never understand.

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08/04/2006

The Elephant In The Room
By Terry Kettering

There's an elephant in the room
It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it
Yet we squeeze by it with "How are you"? and "I'm fine,"
And a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.
We talk about the weather
We talk about work
We talk about everything else, except the elephant in the room.

There's an elephant in the room
We all know it's there
We are thinking about the elephant as we talk together.
It is constantly on our minds.
For, you see, it is a very large elephant.
It has hurt us all.

But we don't talk about the elephant in the room.
Oh please say his name
Oh please say his name again
Oh, please let's talk about the elephant in the room.

For if we talk about his death, perhaps we can talk about his life
Can I say his name to you and not have you look away?
For if I cannot, then you are leaving me....
Alone...
In a room...
With an elephant.

Another one of those WOW! poems.

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07/04/2006

Does Anyone Know?

Does anyone know what today should be?

Anyone else, or is it only me?

Does anyone know how great today would have been

If you would have come now instead of then?

It seems people forget: to them it's just another day

But for me I just can't think of it that way

My heart aches and I can't stop the tears

I keep on wishing that you were still here

Others just don't understand why today I mourn

Today is a special day, the day you should have been born

Written By Heather Will

Given to us by good friends

Annette And Samantha

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07/04/2006

1234 Today, Friday 7 April 2006 is the date Michelle and I were given as our baby's due date. Today is the day that Bailey should have been born and made his entry into the world. It didn't happen that way and Bailey was born back on New Year's Eve. To mark the day we took a helium filled balloon up to his grave and released it into the air. Attached to the balloon, protected from the weather, was a photograph of the little man and an explanatory note of who Bailey was and why the balloon had been let loose.

It was pretty windy at the cemetery, which is fairly exposed and sits above the coastline, and the sky was heavy with cloud. At first the balloon looked like it might snag on the boundary hedge or even on one of the houses in the estate which surrounds the cemetery, but after a little dip the wind caught the balloon and it soared. Within seconds the balloon had cleared the cemetery and very quickly after that it would have passed over the coastline and out over the Irish Sea towards Scotland.

Michelle, Courtney and I stood and watched as the balloon went on it's way and rapidly grew smaller and smaller in our vision. Eventually it passed out of our sight and was lost to us.

Today is a day which for us is filled with all the usual questions of 'what if?' and 'why?', but it has also been a day when we could do something to feel close to our boy again. It's been a reminder, if any was needed, just how raw we are after the death of our son. We had thought that by now we would have been buying nappies and sterilising bottles rather than putting flowers on our son's grave which has already lost the bloom of newness that it once had.

One day we might see a note from the person who finds Bailey's balloon in the guestbook on this site. We will have to wait and see.

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05/04/2006

Letter From Heaven

My dearest family,

Some things I'd like to say

But first to let you know

That I arrived ok.

I'm writing this from heaven

Where I dwell with God above

Where there's no more tears or sadness

There is just eternal love

Please do not be unhappy

Just because I'm out of sight

Remember that I am with you

Every morning, noon and night.

The day that I had to leave you

When my life on earth was through

God picked me up and hugged me

And He said ' I welcome you.

It's good to have you back again

You were missed while you were gone

As for your dearest family

They'll be here later on'.

Then God gave me a list of things

He wished for me to do

And foremost on that list of mine

Is to watch and care for you

And I will be beside you

Every day and week and year

And when you're sad

I'm standing there

to wipe away the tear

And when you lie in bed at night

The dys chores put to flight

God and I are closest to you

In the middle of the night

When you think of my life on earth

And all those loving times

Because you're only human

They're bound to bring you tears

But do not be afraid to cry

It does relieve the pain

But remember there would be no flowers

Unless there was some rain

I wish that I could tell you

Of all that God has planned

But if I were to tell you

You wouldn't understand

But one thing is for certain

Though my life on earth is o'er

I am closer to you now

Than I ever was before

And to my very many friends

Trust that God knows what is best

I'm still not far away from you

I'm just beyond the crest

And when you are walking

Down the street

And you've got me on your mind

I'm walking in your footsteps

Only a half a step behind

And when you feel the gentle breeze

Or the wind upon your face

That's me giving you a great big hug

Or just a soft embrace

And when it's time for you to go

From the body to be free

Remember you're not going

You are coming here to me

And I will always love you

From the land way up above.

Will be in touch again soon

P.S. God sends his love .

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05/04/2006

Hold Me Close And Go Away

Hold me close and go away

Please visit me and please don't stay

Talk to me but please don't speak

I need you NOW, come back next week

Emotions muddled,needs unknown

To be with others or on my own?

To scream out loud? To rant and shout?

Or hide away and push you out?

I smile at you- "she's not that bad"

I shout at you-"she's going mad"

I speak to you- "what do I say?"

I show my tears- "quick walk away"

It's not catching, the grief I feel

I can't pretend that it's not real

I carry on as best I know

But this pain inside just wont go

So true friends,please, accept the lot

I shout, I cry, I lose the plot

I don't know what I need today

So hold me close and go away.

I found this poem on another web site and was stunned at how true to life the words are.

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05/04/2006

Since Bailey died I have worried about Nigel, Bailey's daddy. Nigel has been a real rock for me, and I couldn't have done without him. But Nigel is so busy being strong for me that he doesn't take time for himself. I found this poem and thought it fitted very well.

It must be very difficult, to be a man in grief

Since "men don't cry" and " men are strong"

No tears can bring relief

It must be very difficult to stand up to the test

And field the calls and visitors

So she can get some rest

They always ask if she's all right

And what she's going through

But seldom take his hand and ask,

"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night

And thinks his heart will break