It will never be the same, never. As a bereaved parent, you have often heard or said these words to express grief and profound feelings of sorrow and disorientation. Your life has suddenly taken an unexpected course that seems both unchartered and endless. Bewildered, you vainly search for pathways back to your former life, until you confront the reality that there is no way back. Your child is dead forever. It is then that you may say "never the same" This is the aspect of grief that Simon Stephens calls "The valley of the shadow".It is that very long time between the death of your child and your reinvestment in life. Between, it is not supposed to be a permenant resting place. Although some people do take up residence in the valley, it is a transition from the death of your child to life with renewed purpose. The key to this transition is you. You must choose between life and the valley. You and only you can decide and you must make that decision again and again, each day. Giving in to the hopelessness of the valley is tempting. Choosing to move on towards life requires a great deal of work. You must struggle with the pain of grief in order to resolve it. It is a daily struggle full of tears, anger, guilt and self-doubt, but it is the only alternative to surrendering yourself to the valley. Little by little you choose to move on. Little by little you progress towards the other side of the valley. It takes a very long time, far longer than your friends or relatives expected. Far longer than you had believed, even prayed that it would be. When one day you find yourself able to do more than choose merely to live, but also how to live, you will know that you are leaving "The valley of the shadow". There will be still more work to do, more struggle and choosing. The valley, however, stretches behind rather than in front of you. When you have resolved your grief by re-investing in life, you will be able to realise that nothing is ever "the same". Life is change. We would not have it to be otherwise for that is "The valley of the shadow." Change has the promise of beginning and the excitement of discovery. Life is never the same. Life is change. Choose life!

This was a reading that baby Adam's (www.totsites.com/tot/adamellerslie) mum gave to me. I think it was read out at a grief share meeting.