Well, another year.  In a few days we will be celebrating our 2nd wedding anniversary.

2years and we've gone through a lot.  What good thing this trial has brought us is that our relationship is stronger - that we can rely on each other and rely on each other's strengths.

Another year older but wiser. 

Today is my sister's birthday.

Another relative has just given birth on this date.

I still don't understand why other women were able to give birth to a living child and my son was taken from us???

I look at his face and still wonder why he was taken from us? He would have been 2.5 months now

I should have mentioned this days ago so those of you reading this was informed of this day - you might read this after October 15th, well, there's still October 15 next year...

October 15 is the National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day, it was passed in the United States House of Representatives on September 28, 2006. The following was an excerpt what the clerk read during the September 28 session (click on the link to see the October15th site for the full transcript) :

H. CON. RES. 222

Whereas each year, approximately one million pregnancies in the United States end in miscarriage, stillbirth, or the death of a newborn baby;

Whereas it is a great tragedy to lose the life of a child;

Whereas even the shortest lives are still valuable, and the grief of those who mourn the loss of these lives should not be trivialized;

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Whereas the observance of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day may provide validation to those who have suffered a loss through miscarriage, stillbirth, or other complications;

Whereas recognizing Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day would enable the people of the United States to consider how, as individuals and communities, they can meet the needs of bereaved mothers, fathers, and family members, and work to prevent the causes of these deaths; . . .

I hope a lot of people will join us in observing this day by lighting a candle at 7PM. Here's something from firstcandle.org

On October 15, at 7:00 pm in all time zones, families around the United States will light candles in memory all of the precious babies that have been lost during pregnancy or in infancy. Too many families grieve in silence, sometimes never coming to terms with their loss.

If you or someone you know has suffered a miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss due to SIDS, prematurity or other cause, we hope you will join us in this national tribute to create awareness of these tragic infant deaths and provide support to those that are suffering.

I am planning on lighting a candle, but I might be able to get home before 7PM tonight.

I've been told "I'm a very strong person" (at how I'm dealing/handling things after what happened and what we are going through).

--- update, well, there's more in this Journal entry, I wonder what happened to the rest of the page? This was a 4 paragraph entry, now it's just one sentence! Weird... & suks! Anyway, I'll try to recreate the entry and if I remember what I said that day.

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Am I really strong or am I just a good escape artist? Fact is losing a loved one is very difficult - may it be your child, a parent, sibling, grandchild, niece, nephew, cousin, aunt, uncle, or whatever relationship you can think of. The pain may vary from different relationship and the farther you are, probably the less pain and grief. And it doesn't matter at what age they pass away. Fact is it is painful and it is difficult to lose someone.

People grieve differently, and some people takes longer to get through the different stages and some gets to the end of the stage faster than the rest. I don't know what stage of grief I am right now, all I know is that I have accepted that I can't do anything anymore to get my son back, and that Briar is not with us anymore. I still get angry at times, angry that we were robbed of the opportunity of raising Briar, of being with him, of all the hugs and kisses that we would be getting from him, of enjoying moments playing with him.  I don't cry everyday anymore, but Briar is always in my mind.

I'm trying not to do this to myself, but I can't help thinking what today is. (sigh)

According to the counter "2m since our Angel went to heaven".  

I love you Bri... 

We watched boxing fight yesterday at the arena.

Before the main fight started, this little kid went up with his grandpa in the ring he was wearing his sport jacket and boxing gloves, then started doing jabs in front of the camera. Cute little kid, he got the form - he knows how to jab, looks like he's the main fighter's son.

It reminded me of the boxing gloves and punching bag set that was given to us for Briar. It's sitting in the closet now, along with all the clothes and shoes that Briar won't get to wear - or should I say, won't be worn by Briar. I wish he's here with us to enjoy all this. I know I'll see him again someday, and when that time comes, I will tell him how much he's loved and how much we all waited for him to come out so we can do things with him. And that even though he had to go to heaven before us, he's still loved and remembered.

I felt so sad today, I have a heavy heart.  It suddenly came to me that I had to spend a few minutes away from my desk at work to release my sorrow and sadness (i.e., cry).

I love looking at the picture of my son, my angel.  I can probably stare at his face for hours and will only see this cherub looking boy, with curly dark hair, chubby cheeks, cute chin, and his Filipino nose.

But for some, they won't see that.  Somebody I was talking to has mentioned that "a mother sees their baby in different eyes", after I showed Briar's picture.  I guess for other people, they see it as my "dead" child?

Though I am now hesitant to show his picture to other people (unless they asked), I still see my little boy as my cherub-looking baby. 

I love you Bri, I miss you.