A wave of loneliness has enveloped me today, (come to think of it, I got that yesterday as well).  I wasn't even thinking of Briar and I just got overwhelmed with sadness and started crying.

It felt that everybody has moved on.  

4 Weeks now since I gave birth to my baby boy.  I still wish he's here with us.  I miss him so much.

Dear Briar, how are you my son?  You're almost 1 month now.  I miss you so much.  We love you my baby.  I'm sending you a hug and a kiss my little angel.  Night, night baby.

I'm reading the book "grieving the child I never knew" by Kathe Wunnenberg.  She had three  miscarriages and lost one son a few hours after birth because of birth defect.   I've only read one chapter, but so far most (if not all) of what she wrote in the book, I'm going through right now.  One part of what she wrote sounds so familiar that if you read my journal in previous days, you would think I copied it from her book.

HERE is part of what SHE wrote :

"When you lose a child, you feel poignant pain.  Your dream of experiencing your child develop, be born, or grow up is cruelly snatched away.  And you feel as if you have nothing to show for your loss but a stack of bills, an out-of-shape body, raging hormones, an incomplete nursery, pain and suffering, and empty arms.  It doesn't seem fair.

...

When we discovered in the fourth month of my pregnancy that our baby had a fatal birth defect and would die unless God performed a miracle, I plummeted to a new depth of suffering.  I believed God could heal our son and proclaimed this publicly to others.  I also predetermined that if He chose not to heal our son, I would praise God anyway.

... 

When I entered the hospital to be induced at forty-two weeks, I hoped God would answer our prayer and I would bring our healthy, whole baby home.  During the long, intensive labor, I suffered the pain of uncertainty, not knowing if my child would live or die.  It wasn't until my son was born and the doctor placed him in my arms that I knew that I would have to say "hello" and then "good-bye".

There reality of suffering didn't impact me until I was alone and looked down at my stomach.  I realized my son was gone - I had nothing to show for my labor or his life except an expanded waistline and a limp blanket.  The next day when my husband wheeled me out of the hospital, I felt awkward and empty.  My heart ached with certainty knowing my son was with Jesus, but my arms were empty."

The prayer that she wrote in the book :

"God, my arms are empty.  I have nothing to show for my loss and it seems so unfair.  I didn't expect things to turn out this way.  You could have saved my child, but You didn't.  You are the One who understands and sees the big picture, even if I don't.  Please take my cup of suffering and walk with me through the pain.  Wrap Your arms of understanding and comfort around me.  Fill my empty arms with Your hope and salvation. Amen."

 .

I thought I was the only one who feels this way. 

I miss my son...

Dear Briar, I miss you my baby.  I know and I believe you are in a very good place and you are having fun with your little friends there.  Come visit mommy once a while and give mommy a kiss and a hug.  We love you. 

3 weeks 5 days, that's what the counter shows.  My baby is almost 1month old.

I miss you Briar.  Mommy is sending lots of hugs and kisses to you.

We were at the hospital yesterday for my post natal doctor appointment. It wasn't as painful as I thought it would be, I guess it's because Keith was with me.

My blood pressure is a little high, 140 over ? (I don't remember the bottom number). I guess I was more affected than I thought I would be.

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