I am currently "lurking" at SilentGrief.com (have not posted anything yet), and one of the women there posted a list of "DON'TS" that she wishes she could have passed along.  It's funny, but a lot of it I wish I could pass along too. (I took her complete post, don't know if it's ethical though.)    

Girls,
As I was cleaning up today I started to think about all of the outrageous things people have said or done since my loss. I started to mentally compile a list of "Don'ts" I wish I could have passed along.

***I apologize in advance if my sarcastic points offend anyone. I tend to use my smart alec sense of humor to make me smile. I'll take what I can get these days....

Here are a few points:

*Don't "stop by" unannounced. Give a call at least 15 minutes in advance so the Newly Bereaved Mother (NBM) has an opportunity to eat some toothpaste and pick up the shredded condolence cards off the floor.

*Don't ask a NBM how she's doing unless you really want to know the answer.

*When speaking with a NBM, do not be afraid to use the baby's name whenever possible. The NBM will appreciate your thoughtfulness. However, refrain from using a nickname unless it had been approved prior to the loss. Only the parents can truly know the personality of the baby to give him/her a proper nickname.

*When cleaning the house of a NBM, DO NOT use strongly scented detergents/cleaners. Although she will appreciate the gesture, her olfactory senses are still running high. Instead, after thoroughly cleaning, open the house up to the breeze. The fresh air will become a precious commodity in the hard days to come.

*When trying to empathize with a NBM, don't say "I know just how you feel" unless you truly do. Compairing the loss of your cat Fluffy is really no compairison.

*If the NBM has the responsibility of preparing dinner for other people in the house, realize that cereal is just fine. So are any other foods that are not typically served for dinner. A few nights of Cheetos or Tater-tots won't hurt anybody.

*Do not ask a NBM to babysit your infant within 6 months of her loss. It doesn't matter how 'close' you are with her...Simply stated: totally uncool.

*Don't take offense to your NBM forgetting any standing appointments she may have had with you or anyone else. Likewise, expect sudden emotional outbursts or breakdowns while in an elevator or any other seemingly neutral place.

*Don't tell the NBM that her baby is in a better place. No matter how religious she may be, there is no better place than her arms or at her breast for her baby to be.

*Don't overload the NBM with details of your sadness over the loss of the baby. The last thing she needs to be doing is consoling someone else.

*When visiting the home of a NBM, make sure you tread lightly and take your shoes off upon entering. There are bound to be "eggshells" everywhere.

Although it is common for people to slowly stop observing these suggestions after a period of a couple of months following the loss, not following them may have an effect that will last a lifetime.
 

I would like to add to that : 

* Don't use the word "dead" when referring to the baby and to what happened.  Although, we all know that that word is correct in a sense, it is still painful for a NBM to hear that word - "has passed" or "loss" is much better word to use.

A wave of loneliness has enveloped me today, (come to think of it, I got that yesterday as well).  I wasn't even thinking of Briar and I just got overwhelmed with sadness and started crying.

It felt that everybody has moved on.  

4 Weeks now since I gave birth to my baby boy.  I still wish he's here with us.  I miss him so much.

Dear Briar, how are you my son?  You're almost 1 month now.  I miss you so much.  We love you my baby.  I'm sending you a hug and a kiss my little angel.  Night, night baby.

I'm reading the book "grieving the child I never knew" by Kathe Wunnenberg.  She had three  miscarriages and lost one son a few hours after birth because of birth defect.   I've only read one chapter, but so far most (if not all) of what she wrote in the book, I'm going through right now.  One part of what she wrote sounds so familiar that if you read my journal in previous days, you would think I copied it from her book.

HERE is part of what SHE wrote :

"When you lose a child, you feel poignant pain.  Your dream of experiencing your child develop, be born, or grow up is cruelly snatched away.  And you feel as if you have nothing to show for your loss but a stack of bills, an out-of-shape body, raging hormones, an incomplete nursery, pain and suffering, and empty arms.  It doesn't seem fair.

...

When we discovered in the fourth month of my pregnancy that our baby had a fatal birth defect and would die unless God performed a miracle, I plummeted to a new depth of suffering.  I believed God could heal our son and proclaimed this publicly to others.  I also predetermined that if He chose not to heal our son, I would praise God anyway.

... 

When I entered the hospital to be induced at forty-two weeks, I hoped God would answer our prayer and I would bring our healthy, whole baby home.  During the long, intensive labor, I suffered the pain of uncertainty, not knowing if my child would live or die.  It wasn't until my son was born and the doctor placed him in my arms that I knew that I would have to say "hello" and then "good-bye".

There reality of suffering didn't impact me until I was alone and looked down at my stomach.  I realized my son was gone - I had nothing to show for my labor or his life except an expanded waistline and a limp blanket.  The next day when my husband wheeled me out of the hospital, I felt awkward and empty.  My heart ached with certainty knowing my son was with Jesus, but my arms were empty."

The prayer that she wrote in the book :

"God, my arms are empty.  I have nothing to show for my loss and it seems so unfair.  I didn't expect things to turn out this way.  You could have saved my child, but You didn't.  You are the One who understands and sees the big picture, even if I don't.  Please take my cup of suffering and walk with me through the pain.  Wrap Your arms of understanding and comfort around me.  Fill my empty arms with Your hope and salvation. Amen."

 .

I thought I was the only one who feels this way. 

I miss my son...

Dear Briar, I miss you my baby.  I know and I believe you are in a very good place and you are having fun with your little friends there.  Come visit mommy once a while and give mommy a kiss and a hug.  We love you. 

3 weeks 5 days, that's what the counter shows.  My baby is almost 1month old.

I miss you Briar.  Mommy is sending lots of hugs and kisses to you.

We were at the hospital yesterday for my post natal doctor appointment. It wasn't as painful as I thought it would be, I guess it's because Keith was with me.

My blood pressure is a little high, 140 over ? (I don't remember the bottom number). I guess I was more affected than I thought I would be.

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