I saw this poem and found it expresses my feelings, so I thought I'll place it here :

I never got to hear you laugh,

You never saw me cry.

Didn’t get the chance to say 'Hello'-

You never said 'Goodbye'.

I didn’t think that I could feel

So sad, lost, and forlorn-

I never knew God chose his Angels,

Before some of them were born.

Your life was short yet special-

I shared it all exclusively.

I felt you breath, I felt you kick-

You were alive inside of me.

Every baby is an Angel,

And every Angel is divine.

God needed one in Heaven,

He came down and He took mine.

And although we're not together,

We're not really apart.

For you'll always occupy a space,

Deep within my heart...

Time will one day ease my pain, some day I won't cry.

But for now I only wish I could have Said 'Hello'...

and heard you say 'Goodbye'.

~Author Unknown

I feel so blessed that many people are praying for us - for me, for Keith and for Briar, and many people are thinking about us.

I am comforted by the prayers of family, friends, and even strangers who I only knew (and who only knew me) through the internet. At a time like this, it's really hard to be firm and steady in one's Faith, but I know my Faith is what's helping me get through this one day at a time. Believing that God has another plan for Briar is what's keeping me from totally breaking down.

God (my Faith in God) and Keith have been my rock. I wouldn't know what would have happened to me if Keith was not by my side when this journey started (and even now). I have always been strong for other people, but I feel so very blessed that someone is being strong for me and is guiding me as I go through this.

I've also met women on the internet who have gone through or are going through the same path as we are going through right now. They give me comfort that I am not alone in this, they give me strength when I am down - they remind me that it wasn't my fault and that there was really nothing I could have done. And they remind me that if I knew something is going on, I would surely do everything to make it right and to protect Briar.

---

Though I am trying to be strong, I can't help but envy those who are holding their child right now. Knowing that those who were pregnant at the same time I was have given birth and are home with their babies, makes me feel confronted with our loss. I am happy for them and I don't wish them what had happened to us, but it reminds me of how empty is the house right now, empty and quiet.

Every time I talk to people who have heard what happened and whom I'm speaking to for the first time since it happened, they wanted to know why and what caused it.

I hate this part. It makes me relive what happened that day, and the day before it. It makes me think again that I should have known something or felt something, and maybe I should have done something different.

Another one is when they tell me their own story about it almost happened to them but then they felt something and called the doctor and they were rushed for emergency delivery. Or that their water broke as well without them knowing but then they made it through and delivered the baby.

I guess that's supposed to make me feel better because it's supposed to let me know they understand what I'm going through and they can sympathize. But it has a different effect. Good for you and your children you made it, they made. Mine didn't. Now, I'm confronted with our loss again. Now, I'm thinking about all the shoulda's, coulda's, woulda's, and what if's again. Now I'm blaming myself again for not being vigilant enough.

.

I know there are a few more, I'll add when I remember. 

I went to the grocery store yesterday afternoon - first time since we lost Briar. I was so emotional at the grocery store that I nearly cried. You see, it was the last thing I did Thursday, August 2. I went to get some things - stocking up in case I give birth over the weekend since my due date was 4 days away. It's so painful to think that Briar might already be hurting at this time... I'm so sorry Briar, you know I would do (and would have done) anything to protect you. Had I known...

We love you my baby. I miss you so much.

I got this narrative from the site of another "sister" at www.silentgrief.com.   

"Welcome to Holland"

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation
trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful
plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may
learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your
bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess
comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm
supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and
there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible,
disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just
a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new
language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have
met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than
Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath,
you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has
windmills...

and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all
bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of
your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what
I had planned." And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away...
because the loss of that dream is a very, very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to
Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely
things ... about Holland.

- Emily Pearl Kingsley

I've been switching from accepting what happened to questioning to doubting to anger and back to "acceptance" (there's nothing we can do to change things).

Was there anything I should've done, could've done to change things? As you can read in previous posts, we were healthy, I've done everything I know I should do to have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. I have questioned the Lord God why this happened to us. Why? We were all looking forward to seeing Briar, to meeting him, to raising him, to playing with him. Why? Why us? Why him? WHY???

Lord, I don't know why, but please take care of our little boy. It hurts that this happens to us but you must have something planned for our little boy. Please give us courage and strength to get through this. They said, You won't give us something we couldn't handle. You must really believe in us that much to give us this. I miss my son, I miss Briar.

It took me a while to update this.  I guess for some it's still soon.

I still don't want to see my previous post as reading it brings painful memories that I would like to forget.

My little angel, the love of our life, was born still last August 4, 2007.  It's still hurts, really hurts to see it in writing.

We love you Briar, we will never forget you.  We know you are with Papa Jesus now and is in a better place.   

AT LAST!!

1cm dilated and at -2 station (check out this link http://www.babiesonline.com/articles/pregnancy/effacement.asp to see what this means)

I was at the doctor today for the 39-week prenatal appointment.  She said Briar is "petite" and she sounded concerned - she mentioned that if he comes out at 5lbs or less, Briar has to stay at the hospital for 3 days so they can monitor his feeding.  I have only gained 22lbs in total - and I'm not on any diet - I just limit eating sweets.   I eat ice cream too but in moderation.  I eat when I'm hungry.  I guess he's really due a week after August 6 instead of August 6 as they initially thought?

One good thing is that it might be easier to get him out.

My OB massaged (?) my cervix to help in the progress.  I'm having some contractions right now (and Briar's hiccups :D) so I'm guessing it'll happen this week - sometime around the due date.  Although, if he's not ready to come out yet and still needs a little plumping, I'm fine with that.  I just want him to be healthy and in good condition when he comes out.  The frequency of hiccups makes me think that his lungs is fine and fully developed.  So, no rushing him, he'll come out when he's ready.

I just realized we have not bought the pump yet (Medela In style).  We'll need this to encourage milk production, and so Keith can feed him while I'm resting.