Well, happy mother's day to us moms (and us moms with no living child(ren))!

It's been a while... a few things to tell you today.

On our way out of town this weekend, we stopped for lunch. In the restaurant, we were seated beside a couple with their baby in high chair. The baby kept looking at Keith, and the baby smiles and responds to us when we're making faces at him. I asked his mom how old he is and she said he just turned nine months last week... so I thought, oh, that's how a 9-month child looks like... that would have been how Briar looks like now. May 3, Briar's 9th month if he came out alive that day (or the next day). It also made me wonder if somehow Briar's communicating with us through that child, I hope so, that baby made us smile.

Keith met with his doctor last Tuesday. Great news, he's responding well with his medication. He'll have another series of tests middle of June. I hope and pray everything turns out well. I have heard that Billy Bob Thornton has the same illness back in the 80's, looks like he surpassed it, look at him now, and that was 20 years ago. Sounds very promising.

I'm trying to lose weight. After I gave birth, I didn't really feel like doing anything, so instead of losing the pregnancy weight, I might have gained more belly fat. This extra weight doesn't agree with me and it doesn't look good. I like me when I didn't have this extra flab. (I'm talking about me here, not other people) - it's easier to breathe, PLUS it's easier to decide what to wear. I think I only have a few clothes that I rotate. I'm still wearing some of my maternity clothes. Why haven't I bought new clothes, you ask? Good question. I don't know why. I guess I'm still waiting for that day when I fit in my old clothes. And I'm in between sizes now. For pants, a size bigger than what I used to wear is loose, and my old pants are still a little bit tight in some places. And losing the milk and fat from you know where makes you know what kind of unsightly (I know I'm being harsh). I long for my pre-pregnancy you know what.

But I have started doing YRG (Yoga for Regular Guys) : here's what YRG is : YRG is not your typical yoga class. We've taken it to a whole new level that is more like Commando Yoga... YRG is the perfect fusion of old school calisthenics and core stability training, along with the hot new concept of isometric and isokinetic strength training. We've taken a few time-tested calisthenics, like push-ups and squats, and we've turned up the heat by slowing them down into a slow-motion burn. This combination will add strength and endurance to anything you do.

Hopefully, I'll build up my core too so I won't have frequent back aches. Although I've been doing CQC for a while now, I can "kick and punch" (as Keith would say) but I need more cardio/aeorbic exercises to burn fat.

(Tina (momto3girls), the head gear is for some type of martial arts, sorry I haven't emailed you back yet hope you and family are doing well).

Does one know when he/she is dying? That thought occurred to me after my Nana passed away. She never complained so we never knew that she was nearing her final days on earth. We knew it's inevitable, that's where we all are going to go anyway, but we didn't know she'll be gone that soon. She just stopped eating, and a day or two after, she's gone. I have read something somewhere. I don't remember where so this might not be accurate. It's something like, the first time we find out that we're dying we panic but after a while we accept it and then get a sense of peace about it and then we just don't feel anything until the last breath. It is interesting to know what happens when one dies, or what happens after life. I am comforted by the thought that after one dies, he/she feels no pain anymore. Do I believe in reincarnation? Not really, but I don't hold anything against those who believe in it. There were times I have thought that I might have been a reincarnation of someone who has lived in the 20's to 40's. But I would like to think that when I die I will be with God and with the people I love in heaven.

This talk of death might be uncomfortable for a lot of people. But, I've been forced to face it, it gets tiring now though. I am hoping that I get to talk about new life and to talk about living life soon.

Briar's 1st year is coming soon. I don't know what to do yet, but I would like to acknowledge his anniversary, we won't do a "big" thing every year though.

Prayer has helped me survive these ordeals. Praying to whoever higher being you believe in does one good. There's this lady who used to work in the company I work for. I never worked with her, just heard of her as she was the Big Big Boss' administrative assistant. I found out recently that she was let go due to personal problems - she has mental problems looks like. Human being has a limit to their capacity, and sounds like she has reached her limit, too much emotional turmoil without outlet. Well, I'm not a psychiatrist so I'm just guessing what happened.

We need support to help us carry our burdens. No, I'm not saying we involve other people with our problems. What I'm saying is though we have problems, having someone who makes you laugh, who will lend you an ear helps. Back where I came from, a lot of people don't have anything. But they are happy. They have a lot of people around them. They have a good support system. I am pleased to say that I have a somewhat good support system here still. Some may not be physically close but they are a phone call away.

Support system... you know how when you are growing up, little things happen and you run to your mom for help? We still do that, but sometimes it's not physically possible, other times you have to take a big girl pill and just face whatever it is.

Do you realize that after you've faced/surpassed problems/ordeals you become a little bit wiser? That's life, we learn from our mistakes, we learn from the ordeals we face. It makes us tougher, it gives us character. We all had our own problems. Sometimes it may look petty for some people but for us it is big. As I told friends sometime ago, back then my biggest problem was boys. Life was so simple then. Then I grew up a little, my next major problem was men, hehehe, just kidding. I have survived homesickness, I have survived grown up decision-making like buying a house, and getting married, all good investments for me, mind you Would you believe I have also faced faith crisis? I guess that's not impossible, a lot of people have faced that. You break up with a boyfriend, then you learn what qualities to look for and behaviors to run away from.

Since I don't have a living child, am I still considered a "mother"? Do I still get to celebrate "Mother's Day"?.

I think I've run out of things to say. Hope everybody is doing well. Remember, if you're having a not so good day, say a prayer, even a little one. God bless you all.

We've been so busy lately that I have not done a lot of things.

We crash at night when we get home.  I like being busy, but it's tiring, still, busy is good.

My "nanay" passed away this morning. She's my mom's aunt but I call her "nanay" meaning mother, because she helped my mom take care of me when I was growing up. I remember going with her everywhere when I was young, when I was in grade school, she helped me with my homework, she was the one attending parents' meeting at school and attending school functions because mom and dad were at work. She's my 2nd mom.

She's 80 years old and going 81 in May. It is sad to see her go, but I am also happy in a way because she'll be resting now. And I'm kind of glad too, because, in my heart, I know she'll be with Briar, and she's going to take care of him the way she took care of me. (I know, I know, it may be different there where they are than how we do things here when we're alive, but it's good to think that my nanay is with Briar and will be taking care of him).

There are times when I think, it's really tough with all the things that has happened to us - to me... it's one after the other... but I feel I can't count this because I am really glad that she is resting now. She has given a lot of love (when she was younger, she also helped my grandma take care of my mom and her 5 siblings) and I hope that she felt the love that was given to her by her "children". She'll be missed.

Hope you had a good Easter celebration.

Church was packed yesterday, it was a little amusing that it's usually not that packed on regular Sundays, but I'm glad though that people went to church to celebrate Easter.

Didn't do anything "Easter-like", like egg-hunting, but we went to a day-spa for a massage yesterday.

I learned to "fight" today , I even got to wear this head gear... cool huh?

I'm just sore right now, with patches of black and blue in some areas, but I sweat (oh, excuse me women don't sweat, we perspire ) buckets... good way to burn extra fat from my previous pregnancy.

Good to be strengthening my muscles again.

7months had passed.  We would have been playing with a 7th month-old baby who's probably sitting on his own now, probably crawling, and saying his doo-doos and dah-dahs.

As I said before, I try not to think about this so much as it will just hurt me, but I just can't help thinking about this today.

I was going to say, "I envy those who were pregnant the same time as I was but who have their babies with them now "- but that is not an accurate statement.  Envy is not what I feel, it's I'm happy for them and I'm sharing the joy they feel with their children in their arms.  And envy is not what I feel but it's missing my baby because all I have is those pictures that you see in the Photos section.  Yeah, pictures - pictures that will remain the same until probably I stopped maintaining this site or until TotSites stopped offering this service.  And however I decorate, cut, resize, edit... it will remain those same pictures.

ah well, I should stop this train of thought.

Now that I have a re-touched pic of Briar, I modified the Scrapblog site I created and used those pics.

This is what I have out there now :