I have not heard from my cousin as to how my niece is doing. But when I talked to my aunt last week, she mentioned that there will be a gathering on Saturday (02/23/2008) as a welcome home party for the little one. I hope there was a party, that means my niece is already home after a month in the hospital.

My niece (my cousin's daughter - I know some of you will say she's my cousin, but where I came from that's how "we" call that relationship) had been in the hospital for the past three weeks or maybe a month now (although she could be out now since I have not talked to my cousin for a week). She had pneumonia and then her immunity system became low, last I heard is she's stable but needs to be in isolation/ICU so she won't get/catch whatever is floating in air.

Isabella was born a week after Briar, I know when I see her I would be thinking that that is how Briar would look like if he's here with us.

I'm praying for Issa's continued healing - I was just reading last night Ezekiel 34:15-16:

15

I myself will pasture my sheep; I myself will give them rest, says the Lord GOD.

16

The lost I will seek out, the strayed I will bring back, the injured I will bind up, the sick I will heal (but the sleek and the strong I will destroy), shepherding them rightly.

And I always remember this :

7

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

So I'm asking, and claiming His promise.  Amen.

Well, it's been a week since my last entry, though I'm much better, I wasn't inspired to write.   So, I'll make this a random thoughts entry...

Went to the market today with my aunt and bought foods I grew up eating.  I'm looking forward to cooking and eating them.

My female cockatiel, HokeyPokey, has been a little needy lately - she just wants to be either on my shoulder or my legs or on her playpen and as long as I'm in the same room or sitting in the couch.  When I get up to get something from the kitchen, she'll sqauwk, when I move she'll complain... spoiled brat.  Well, if you know what she wants, let me know because I can't figure out what it is and it's getting to me at times.

Oh, we went to a Brazilian (style?) restaurant Friday to "celebrate" Valentine's day - I guess it's called churrasco(? churrascaria?).  That was the first time in that restaurant and it was great - great experience and very good service.  It's "buffet", but the way they do it is they bring in different kinds of meat (chicken, pork, beef and lamb) and different way of preparation.  I don't think that description gives justice to the experience so to give you an idea, check here.  That's not the where we went but it'll give you an idea.  They say, if you choose to,  you can come in at 5PM (when dinner starts) and leave at 10PM (when they close).  But I'll tell ya, you're the one who'll give up.  After a while, when you feel like food is coming out of your ears, you'll start to get sleepy and you won't be able to taste anything anymore... So funny, at almost the end of dinner with all the meat in my stomach, I was getting cross-eyed from sleepiness (? is that a right word?  Dictionary.com says it is...)

Weather has been very nice for the past week or two.  It's beautiful outside - I need to go outside more... read a book, take a walk, clean the backyard.  Speaking of backyard,  a section of our fence got blown down the other day.  It's the part of the fence that faces the neighbor.  My neighbors are just renting the house so I guess they don't really care who fix it - and Keith had been busy all week and he's even teaching (seminar) this weekend that he doesn't have time to fix it.  Question is - who should fix the fence?  I have predicted it will happen one day, the neighbor's sprinkler was position and set that it's hitting the fence (when it's dry you can see white part where the water hits, or when the sprinkler is on, you can see that part is very dark/wet)... the wood has been soaked through and the foundation has probably rotted.  I think it's not fair that it's the neighbor's (at least the owner/landlord) irresponsibility in not setting the sprinkler correctly that affected the fence - and is affecting us.  Our other side is just fine, it's because the way the other neighbor set up their landscaping, and sprinkler, the water is not hitting the fence.  That side though, we need to fix the Leyland cypress tree because it's slightly leaning on the fence and if it continues to grow like that it will really destroy the fence.   Either we pull that out or brace it to make it straight.

I have been thinking about this, and I heard the topic over the radio today (which reinforced my thoughts).

Things had been so tough - it's one after the other, that I was so focused on those things and became so emotional. For a while it felt like I was drowning and couldn't come up for air. But the more I learn - from talking to people and from reading literature, the less that drowning feeling is.

Back then there are things to look forward to. When I was pregnant, almost all our plans revolved around having the baby. When we lost Briar, there was nothing to look forward to anymore, and then other things happened which made it really difficult to see beyond what's going on that day...

Now I am ready to have something to look forward to, it's tiring to feel the way I have felt.  I'm usually a Pollyanna and my story has indeed became a Pollyanna for a while - well not the first part of the story but the middle part.  And I'm ready to go to the last part of the story.  To start playing the Glad Game again.

I love my son, and doing things that will make life easier to live doesn't mean I love him less and it doesn't mean that I will forget him.   It is time to plan living life again, to stop going with the flow and start going to where I/we want life to go - start taking charge of our lives.

I can't remember if it's something I read or in one of our discussions with my friends - but indeed emotions or moods constantly change and I shouldn't put my trust in my emotions.  There is only one constant figure I should put my trust in, and that is God.  I know there will be times that I'll falter and fall, but I'm going to try hard to get back up again and trust in God's promise.  And with the help and support of our family, and of the people who pray for us and think of us, we will surpass this trial/difficulty.

P.S.  I noticed that when I'm chatty like this, that means the heaviness in my heart has lifted up.  I haven't been able to write for a while because I can't put to words what I feel.

I'm learning to manage stress to keep my anxiety/gas buildup in check.   This CD I'm listening to is really good - the voice of the lady speaking and her tone is very soothing. The CD has guided imagery...

I feel calm and relax...  I'm looking at the pool with calm cool water with the sun reflecting on it.  The pool is not too deep, just the right size for me, it has healing properties, it's not too hot nor too cold, it's just right for me... I'm sitting on the edge of the water, I dipped my toe, then my foot, legs... the water is so soothing, feeling of tension or discomfort slowly fading away... ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz

For the past days or maybe it's been a week, I've been having severe gas build up that it fills up my chest, and I feel a lump on the base of my throat.  Maalox/Mylanta with anti-gas don't work, I haven't tried TUMS nor ROLAIDS.

Sometimes, it gets so bad, that I can feel my hurt fluttering, and my chest tightening... and then I'll burp, then it goes away.  At times, I get panic attacks and I develop more acid that in turn builds up more gas... vicious cycle.

My doctor prescribed me Pepcid (prescription Pepcid), and I've been taking it for 1 week now (started on 01/14).   Yesterday I was better, all the rest of the night (until after dinner), I didn't feel any lump (of air) on my throat.  There were three things I did different yesterday: wore loose-fitting clothes; chatted with a friend; and started taking the "Bach's Rescue Remedy Pastilles".  Well, make it four; sipped tea on Venti cup (20 oz.) and refilled the hot water once - in other words, I was hydrated.

I'm getting gas build up again today, I'm getting tired of burping, but either that or have a lump in my throat or the build up fills my chest and scare me to thinking I'm having a heart problem.  Then I'll have anxiety/panic attack.

As I said before, when it rains it pours.

BUT, I got to think happy thoughts....  I think I forgot how to do that. . .

The other day, with my newfound "inner happiness/peace", I was thinking I would like to be an agent of happiness/joy.  I was thinking I'll find ways to make others happy.

But then, I realized I still have days when I might not be able to inspire others to be happy and that I might just pull them down more.  So the plan is postponed but not canceled.  I'll still try to bring joy to others when I'm "well".

What tickles my fancy today?  Don't know...  I'm sitting here eating breakfast before going to church, nothing's coming to mind. I guess I'm not fully awake yet.  My tummy's rumbling :D  I'm still having that gas in my throat feeling, and when I take Mylanta/Maalox, it make my tummy rumble.  I noticed that it happens when I miss a meal... not that I consciously miss a meal - I'm not in a fad diet right now.  It seems that I don't have that "hungry feeling" anymore and it's been replaced with this.  I don't feel hungry, I just feel gas building in the pit of my stomach and then rises to the base of my throat.  Sounds like I get acid build-up? (if that's a correct term).  It scares me at times though cause it builds up on my chest, and the more it scares me and I panic, the worse it gets.

Ooops time to get ready - I need to pickup my aunt then we head out to the church to attend mass. 

Have a great week.