It's been a while... a few things to tell you today.

On our way out of town this weekend, we stopped for lunch. In the restaurant, we were seated beside a couple with their baby in high chair. The baby kept looking at Keith, and the baby smiles and responds to us when we're making faces at him. I asked his mom how old he is and she said he just turned nine months last week... so I thought, oh, that's how a 9-month child looks like... that would have been how Briar looks like now. May 3, Briar's 9th month if he came out alive that day (or the next day). It also made me wonder if somehow Briar's communicating with us through that child, I hope so, that baby made us smile.

Keith met with his doctor last Tuesday. Great news, he's responding well with his medication. He'll have another series of tests middle of June. I hope and pray everything turns out well. I have heard that Billy Bob Thornton has the same illness back in the 80's, looks like he surpassed it, look at him now, and that was 20 years ago. Sounds very promising.

I'm trying to lose weight. After I gave birth, I didn't really feel like doing anything, so instead of losing the pregnancy weight, I might have gained more belly fat. This extra weight doesn't agree with me and it doesn't look good. I like me when I didn't have this extra flab. (I'm talking about me here, not other people) - it's easier to breathe, PLUS it's easier to decide what to wear. I think I only have a few clothes that I rotate. I'm still wearing some of my maternity clothes. Why haven't I bought new clothes, you ask? Good question. I don't know why. I guess I'm still waiting for that day when I fit in my old clothes. And I'm in between sizes now. For pants, a size bigger than what I used to wear is loose, and my old pants are still a little bit tight in some places. And losing the milk and fat from you know where makes you know what kind of unsightly (I know I'm being harsh). I long for my pre-pregnancy you know what.

But I have started doing YRG (Yoga for Regular Guys) : here's what YRG is : YRG is not your typical yoga class. We've taken it to a whole new level that is more like Commando Yoga... YRG is the perfect fusion of old school calisthenics and core stability training, along with the hot new concept of isometric and isokinetic strength training. We've taken a few time-tested calisthenics, like push-ups and squats, and we've turned up the heat by slowing them down into a slow-motion burn. This combination will add strength and endurance to anything you do.

Hopefully, I'll build up my core too so I won't have frequent back aches. Although I've been doing CQC for a while now, I can "kick and punch" (as Keith would say) but I need more cardio/aeorbic exercises to burn fat.

(Tina (momto3girls), the head gear is for some type of martial arts, sorry I haven't emailed you back yet hope you and family are doing well).

Does one know when he/she is dying? That thought occurred to me after my Nana passed away. She never complained so we never knew that she was nearing her final days on earth. We knew it's inevitable, that's where we all are going to go anyway, but we didn't know she'll be gone that soon. She just stopped eating, and a day or two after, she's gone. I have read something somewhere. I don't remember where so this might not be accurate. It's something like, the first time we find out that we're dying we panic but after a while we accept it and then get a sense of peace about it and then we just don't feel anything until the last breath. It is interesting to know what happens when one dies, or what happens after life. I am comforted by the thought that after one dies, he/she feels no pain anymore. Do I believe in reincarnation? Not really, but I don't hold anything against those who believe in it. There were times I have thought that I might have been a reincarnation of someone who has lived in the 20's to 40's. But I would like to think that when I die I will be with God and with the people I love in heaven.

This talk of death might be uncomfortable for a lot of people. But, I've been forced to face it, it gets tiring now though. I am hoping that I get to talk about new life and to talk about living life soon.

Briar's 1st year is coming soon. I don't know what to do yet, but I would like to acknowledge his anniversary, we won't do a "big" thing every year though.

Prayer has helped me survive these ordeals. Praying to whoever higher being you believe in does one good. There's this lady who used to work in the company I work for. I never worked with her, just heard of her as she was the Big Big Boss' administrative assistant. I found out recently that she was let go due to personal problems - she has mental problems looks like. Human being has a limit to their capacity, and sounds like she has reached her limit, too much emotional turmoil without outlet. Well, I'm not a psychiatrist so I'm just guessing what happened.

We need support to help us carry our burdens. No, I'm not saying we involve other people with our problems. What I'm saying is though we have problems, having someone who makes you laugh, who will lend you an ear helps. Back where I came from, a lot of people don't have anything. But they are happy. They have a lot of people around them. They have a good support system. I am pleased to say that I have a somewhat good support system here still. Some may not be physically close but they are a phone call away.

Support system... you know how when you are growing up, little things happen and you run to your mom for help? We still do that, but sometimes it's not physically possible, other times you have to take a big girl pill and just face whatever it is.

Do you realize that after you've faced/surpassed problems/ordeals you become a little bit wiser? That's life, we learn from our mistakes, we learn from the ordeals we face. It makes us tougher, it gives us character. We all had our own problems. Sometimes it may look petty for some people but for us it is big. As I told friends sometime ago, back then my biggest problem was boys. Life was so simple then. Then I grew up a little, my next major problem was men, hehehe, just kidding. I have survived homesickness, I have survived grown up decision-making like buying a house, and getting married, all good investments for me, mind you Would you believe I have also faced faith crisis? I guess that's not impossible, a lot of people have faced that. You break up with a boyfriend, then you learn what qualities to look for and behaviors to run away from.

Since I don't have a living child, am I still considered a "mother"? Do I still get to celebrate "Mother's Day"?.

I think I've run out of things to say. Hope everybody is doing well. Remember, if you're having a not so good day, say a prayer, even a little one. God bless you all.