On Saturday, February 23, Erik and I will celebrate our 6^th wedding anniversary.  6 years to the day that my mom was giving her toast at our wedding reception…and Clifford the Big Red Dog strolls into the room to thunderous applause and cheers from our guests.  (I suppose that statement deserves a little back-story for some people J) 

In the summer of 2000, I was an intern at our local PBS TV station in downtown Toledo.  We were about to air a new popular children’s show, Clifford the Big Red Dog, and we were promoting it like crazy.  The Toledo Mud Hens are our local Triple A Baseball Team (the AAA affiliate for the Detroit Tigers) and we thought it would be a great idea to have Clifford appear at a Sunday afternoon game to get all the kids excited about watching the show.  What a perfect idea!  When the Clifford suit came from the book company, we quickly realized that there were not going to be many people that would fit comfortably in the suit.  It was much smaller then we originally thought and all of the sudden…all eyes were on me.  “Jill, why don’t you do it?  Have you ever been a mascot before?”  WHAT??  ME??  Nope, no mascot experience.  However, as I was simply an unpaid intern just trying to earn credit for school and possibly land a job after I graduated, I agreed to don the Clifford suit at the Mud Hens game that Sunday.  Are any of you reading this trying to lose weight right now?  Stop the dieting and put away your running shoes, because I have a sure-fire way to melt the pounds off.  Just dress in a big, hot, furry dog suit with attachable “head” included on a 95 degree afternoon in the middle of July and stand out in the sunshine at a baseball game waving at everyone like a crazy fool.  Lean over all day, hugging kids who think you are the “real deal” and squeeze their sweaty arms around you as they pose for pictures.  Don’t forget to run on the dusty field in between innings doing cartwheels (yes, they made me do that and thank God the head stayed on) and nearly passing out due to heat exhaustion.  I dropped 10 pounds by 4:00 that afternoon.  The Mud Hens were gracious enough to allow “Clifford” to come into the front office for a much needed break every now and then.  I would take the gargantuan dog head off and one of the ticket guys would spray my face with a cool water bottle.  I also re-packed the ice vest they had me wearing under the suit, although it did little to keep me cool that day.   Erik was in charge of the ticket office at the time (back when the Hens still played at the Ned) and during one of my breaks, I remember thinking he was really handsome.  We did not speak at all, and who are we kidding, I was suffering from heat stroke anyway, so I did not think much of him as I drove home from the ballpark that night.  (Possibly the skinniest I have ever been in my life - Whoo-Hoo!) 

About a month later, a group of us from the restaurant I was working at were out and I saw some guys I recognized from the Mud Hens.  I walked up to say hello and all I got in return were six blank faces.  They had absolutely no idea who I was!  I said, “It’s me. Clifford!” and they were all like, “Oh yeah!  Clifford…now I remember.”  (When asked what could be an important decision I have made in my life, I will admit that choosing to be Clifford that day definitely ranks pretty high up there!) I smiled at Erik and realized how handsome he really was, remembering him from that day at the ballpark.  To make an awfully long story somewhat short, we hung out that night…and have been together each and every night since then.  People may think we are silly, but we truly knew within days that we were meant for each other.  Maybe even sooner than that.  We had a true fairy tale romance from the start.  He revealed to me while we were dating that he remembered thinking how cute I was the day I was Clifford.  Remember now…I was sweaty, wearing no make-up, hair slicked back wet from the spray bottle, red fuzz clinging to me everywhere…not to mention wearing a big red dog suit.  Bless his heart, I thought, he either has real bad vision or he likes girls in dog suits.  I was happy to find out later that he just liked me…not so much the suit.  Whew!  Thank God.   

We were engaged by May of 2001 – he asked me on a boat in Lake Michigan as we toured the city of Chicago on a beautiful, sunny evening – and we dove head first into the wedding planning.  We did not see any reason for waiting too long – we were totally ready!  (My parents might have a different story since we planned our wedding a mere 6 months after my sister’s, but they were very happy for us & supportive of our plans!!  Thanks mom and dad!)  All my life I thought I wanted a summer or fall wedding, but we had to plan around the baseball season, as well as Opening Day of the Hens brand new ballpark that was scheduled in April of 2002.  We opted for February of that year and prayed all of our out of town guests would not have weather related issues getting out to Ohio in the middle of winter.  February 23 finally came and it was the only 50+ degree day that month.  Not a snowflake in sight, clear blue skies, cold but not bone-chilling.  Absolutely perfect!  The wedding was beautiful and after all of the guest greeting and picture taking, we were ready to party!!  It was at our reception that my mom and Erik’s dad had a little surprise waiting for us.  I still can’t believe they pulled one over on us!  My mom’s toast was more like a story of how we met – and you can imagine my shock when they re-inacted that day at the ballpark with my brother in a Clifford suit they rented and my brother-in-law in the “Muddy the Mud Hen” mascot outfit.  Muddy asked Clifford to marry him and after someone put a white vail on Clifford’s head, he and Muddy walked off into the sunset together.  Bet our guests never thought they would be entertained quite like that!!  It was awesome and Erik and I both teared up as Clifford and Muddy stuck around to pose for pictures with guests and hug all the kids that were now thinking this was definitely turning out to be the coolest wedding in the world!  And for us…it most certainly was.  Magical.  Extraordinary.  Perfect J 

Erik and I chose to write our own vows that day…and I am still so glad we decided to do that.  It was so intensely beautiful and intimate to hear words that he chose to write to me…words that had deep personal meaning attached to them.  Every now and then, I break out my “wedding box” and read our sacred vows over again.  Part of Erik’s vow to me reads like this:  “I promise to be a loving leader, as God intended for me, to speak and to listen, to walk beside you and be your best friend.  When you fall, I will catch you.  When you are worried, I will relax you.  When you cry, I will hold you.  And when you laugh, I will share your joy...”   We have spent the last six years sharing each others joys, sorrows, happiness, tears, high points, low points, and all of the wonderful and painful things in between.  The good times and the bad.  Through sickness and health.   

But do you know what was NOT part of our wedding vows that day?  Erik did not vow that he would have the right words to say to me when we lost our first baby to miscarriage.  He did not vow that he would have the strength to endure not only the loss of one baby…but two…and then three.  He did not vow that he would stick beside me as we endured several failed fertility treatments.  He did not vow that he would put up with the rage those treatments seemed to bring out in me and he definitely did not vow that he would know what to say to me when we realized that parenthood might not ever be a reality for us.  We did not vow to each other that we would be OK if we finally had our prayers answered with the blessing of a baby…yet came to find that she was born with a very special need that we could never have imagined.  I don’t remember Erik vowing to me at our wedding that he would be a rock of strength and encouragement to me as we accepted our daughter’s blindness not as a tragic event…but as a beautiful chance to let others be strengthened by the way God orchestrated Ella’s birth and her life.  We did not vow any of those things to each other six years ago.  But in fact, that has been the path our marriage has taken.  And that is one of the many wonderful things about God.  If He brings you to it, He will bring you through it.  All you have to do is trust Him.  As easy or as difficult as that may be.  At the end of our vows, we promised to each other that “with God’s help” we would be faithful and true to each other “no matter what the uncertainties of the future might bring.”  We could not have known that day six years ago how incredibly blessed we would be and how thankful we would be for the absolutely amazing life we share today.  I can’t wait to see what the future has in store for us – it is hard to believe that it can get any better than this!! 

Thank you Erik for being my perfect match, my better half, my rock, my strength & my best friend.  Thank you for being the husband women only dream about and the very best Daddy that Ella could ever hope to have.  We are the two luckiest girls in the world & we love you so much!! 

(On the videos page you will find a new video commemorating our past six years together.  The first song is the one that was sung on our wedding day.  What a great life we have!!)

Even though it is still February in cold, wintery Ohio...we are ready to start "thinking spring" around here!  For me, Spring always promts visions of beautiful & fragrant flowers, pretty green grass covering the lawn and colorful fruits and veggies growing in gardens everywhere.  If you are a lover of yummy garden delights like we are, especially succulent and juicy tomatoes, then keep reading...

Erik's Aunt & Uncle, Dagma Lacey and Gary Ibsen, have been growing delicious organic heirloom tomatoes in the fields of gorgeous Northern California for many years.  Gary is an author as well as the founder and executive director of the Carmel TomatoFest in Carmel California.  They have been operating the Carmel TomatoFest for 16 years and have really revitalized the appreciation and desire of true heirloom quality tomatoes by chefs and consumers alike.  They ensure the highest quality product from harvest to table due to thier hands-on production and harvest techniques.  At any one time, they can be growing up to 600 varities of tomato seeds, many originally sourced from family farms around the world.  Take a minute to check out their very cool website at http://www.tomatofest.com/heirloom_tomato_seed_home.html

After Ella was born, Dagma and Gary created a new tomato seed that they thought would be perfect to name after her.  It is called "Ella's Pink Plum" and has this description:  Short indeterminate plant producing an abundance of 2" jade-pink colored, plum-shaped fruit. Juicy with few seeds and very good (happy) flavors. Although a pretty tomato to look at, if you ate this with your eyes closed, wonderful images are prompted through it's mouth-feel and taste.   I mean, how cool is that, right?  Who can say they have a legitimate fruit or vegetable named in their honor?  I was really moved that they chose to attach Ella's beautiful name to some of their new seeds.  THANK YOU Dagma & Gary!!  We cannot wait to get out to Carmel in autumn to experience the TomatoFest for ourselves! 

Click here to see a picture of Ella's Pink Plum: http://store.tomatofest.com/Ella_s_Pink_Plum_p/tf-0547.htm

For all of you tomato lovers out there, now you know where you can find tons of delicious varieties of organic heirloom tomatoes.  So...start thinking spring! Order some seeds today!  Let me know if you choose to have Ella's Pink Plum growing in your garden this year - YUM!!  Enjoy!!

Ella is so totally awesome.  There really is no other way to put it.  I apologize for sounding a bit like a "valley girl", but it really is the simple truth.  She brings such an unimaginable amount of joy into our lives.  I could go on forever describing all of the things I love about her.  Her smile, her laugh, the smell of her smooth skin, her petite fingers, her cute teeth, her dramatic fits of crying, the way she grabs my cheek to kiss my face, her determination, her stubbornness, her passion, her fierce spirit, her loving heart...just to name a few

Well, today the two of us girls were suffering from serious cabin fever.  The swirling snow and winter storm watch were NOT going to stop us from getting out to Ella's play group this afternoon.  The place is just a few miles away after all, so I figured we would be fine.  After basically sliding the whole way there, (maybe the roads were worse than I thought! ) we arrived and I took my time walking from the car to the door of the building.  I'm sure some people watching from the windows thought I was crazy, but what they don't know is that Ella LOVES the feel of snowflakes landing on her face.  She puts her little chin up towards the sky and lets the flakes cover her cheeks and her long eyelashes, giggling and sighing with delight.  We relished the moment...and then headed inside to warm up. 

We have not been to play group since right before Christmas, for one reason or another, so it took Ella a few minutes to warm up to the place again.  She waved to some people when we first got there and I sat her down near that crazy plastic apple she loves so much.  She wanted right away to take both her socks and shoes off, so we did, and she was happy.  As more children made their way to the carpet, Ella got a little more shy and clinged to me, as I expected.  The great thing about this group is that everyone knows us and understands Ella, so people don't even look twice when she starts to get fussy or upset.  After playing for a bit in the playroom, the group always heads down to the Motor Sensory room, where there are lots of great big things for the kids to play on - a slide, a big box of balls, a little plastic rollercoaster and Ella's all-time favorite, a big fat tire swing that hangs from the ceiling.  The play group leader always lets me take Ella into the Motor Sensory room 5-10 minutes before all of the other kids come down so I can spend some quiet time getting her comfortable before the chaos breaks out when the others arrive.  Today, I asked Ella if she wanted to swing, which has become one of her favorite things to do.  She clapped and smiled, a definite...yes!  The tire sits on a big wooden platform, so the kids can sit in the hole of the tire and hold on to both sides for support.  I pushed the swing hard, and off she went.  I twisted it in circles and swung it back and forth - back and forth.  Never in my life have I witnessed such unabashed and complete and utter JOY.  She laughed and squealed, and I do mean squealed, so incredibly loud I swear someone walking by must have thought I was trying to catch a little greased pig in there.  Her hair floated in the breeze with each push and she actually laid the back of her head on the tire and crossed her little legs at the ankles.  Still squealing with delight.  I thought to myself the same thing I believe Ella was thinking..."Man, Life is good.  It just doesn't get any better than this!"  The best part of the whole afternoon was when the other kids came in and one little boy wanted to swing with Ella.  There was just enough room for both of them and as his mother was settting him inside the hole next to Ella, I was just praying that she didn't slap the kid silly like I've seen her do to both Erik or I when she gets mad/frustrated/not in the mood to share.  Ella said...not today people!  Not when things are going this great.  She even scooched over to make room for this chunky kid and proceeded to let him hold her hand as they swang together, smiling and laughing as we pushed them higher and higher.   Tears welled in my eyes as I watched them sharing the tire swing, begging with their smiles to go even higher and faster.  Man, Life is good for sure. 

As we were getting ready to leave play group, Ella was getting tired and I knew she had to be starving as well.  I was putting her coat on as a couple of people came over to talk to us and say goodbye.  Ella waved "bye-bye" to them and then...get this...signed for "hungry."  I almost fell over.  I just taught her the signs for hungry and thristy three days ago and even though she would do them for me when I asked her to, I did not think she understood what they actually meant yet.  Tip:  Never underestimate your kids!!  This girl never ceases to amaze me!!  One woman asked, "Is she signing hungry?"  I have never been more proud in my life to this point, I swear.  My chest puffed out with pride I beamed, "Yes...yes she is."  She was hungry, and she let me know it.  She totally learned what I had taught her and understood it perfectly.  I teared up again, (ok, when does that stop?) and gave her a big hug as we headed for the car.  She sat quietly and patiently in her carseat as we slid back home, smiling when I put on her favorite CD.  Hungry...but knowing that lunch was on the way when we got home.  Satisfied that she had been able to communicate to me how she felt.  She might have even looked a bit smug now that I think about it.  I think I am dealing with a girl who is really good...and knows it too!  

The very best and most wonderful thing about play group is that it takes a lot out of my little Ella and she naps like a bear in hibernation afterwards.  Mommy gets some time to curl up on the couch with coffee and a good book.  Did I mention life was good???  I love her just as much when she is sleeping as I do when she is awake.  She sleeps so peacefully and is so pretty I just had to capture this picture.  That's my girl alright.  So totally awesome!

Ella has been pulling herself up on her walker/push toy lately and cruising all over the place with this very proud little look on her face.  She will huff and puff as she pulls herself up off the ground to her knees.  She will stick her tongue out and grunt and give quite an exhausted sigh once she is finally standing up.  I know for a fact that she especially likes to turn the dramatics up a notch if she knows that anyone is nearby watching her.  Wow…she is so much like me sometimes it is scary J  She will head in a (mostly) straight path until she runs her walker into a wall, the steps, a chair, etc.  Then she will huff and puff again until she turns the thing around and is able to continue on her way to wherever she is going – which is obviously someplace very important as her determination to get there is quite evident.   The awesome thing about this process is that sometimes I will sit her down on the floor and put the walker just out of her reach…or even across the room.  I will jingle the little bells that I tied to the handle bar and she will begin to move herself towards the sound of the bells, where she knows her walker is waiting.  She is still not really crawling per se; she has invented more of a “body scooch” move that is currently working out well for her.  She will scooch around, her arms extended out in front of her…reaching out for the walker, until she finally finds it.  Sometimes this will take her longer than other times, depending on if she gets turned around, or scooches past something new and exciting that she must explore.  Very rarely will she ever give up trying to find her walker.  And very rarely will I give in and hand it to her or bring it close enough so she can feel it right beside her.  I am trying to teach her to explore and not give up.  Usually she will reach…and reach…and reach…until she gets what she wants.  I am learning lessons from her every day.  I am learning that just when you think things are out of your reach, if you push just a little harder or reach just a little higher – ta-da! – you’ve reached them!  If you are willing to explore a new space, to not be afraid to reach out into the vast unknown…you can achieve what you are trying to accomplish. I am trying to give her opportunities to feel that sense of accomplishment on her own – though sometimes as I watch her struggle with frustration my motherly instinct is to just put it right in her hand so she won’t be upset anymore.  I am learning patience.  I am learning about endurance.  I am learning that Ella needs to find her own way.  A very wise person told me that if I start doing everything for her at a young age…I can look forward to still doing everything for her when she is grown up.  As much as I want to be her “guide” in this world, I realize that letting her find her own way now will help give her the confidence that she will need in the future.  I just hope that she will at least “act” like she still needs her mama when she grows up J 

Ella has also given a whole new meaning to taking a “leap of faith” as of late.  She loves to wrestle on the couch or our bed and climb all over us like jungle gyms.  She especially loves to play hard like this with her daddy.  She will be standing on our bed with Erik next to her and he will yell, “1…2...3, superstar!” She will just plunge into his body in a big heap of giggles.  She also loves to be held upside-down (by daddy, of course) and swing back and forth, her long hair swaying in the breeze.  Sometimes she likes to place one of her little hands over our mouth when we are talking to her lately…or making funny sound effects with our lips.  I think she likes the vibration it makes and is also really trying to figure out how to sound out words.   She is so close to talking, we just know it, and she tries so hard to mimic certain words that we say.  She will use the several words that she knows intermingled with her “Ella speak” throughout the day.  She has the most beautiful little voice J  She still uses her signs for “more” and “all done” while eating & drinking…making life a lot easier for all of us as she realizes that she can communicate some of her wants and needs to us now. 

Not too long ago, Grandma Blitz taught Ella how to hold her hands together in front of her in order to “pray.”  Ever since then, I have been reminding her to do this every night while we are rocking in the rocking chair, trying to get her to sleep.  I will say, “Ok- let’s pray now” and Ella will place her hands together very slowly.  I simply go through a list of who we are thankful for, tell her that Jesus loves her and then end with “amen!”  Which for some reason always gets a good laugh out of her!!  Well, lately she has gotten pretty crafty.   Now as I cradle her while we rock, having already prayed of course, I will be telling her in a serious voice that it is time to go to bed, most likely because it is near or after midnight and she is still wide awake.  I, on the other hand, am way past tired.  I will say, “Ella, that’s enough.  It is night-night time right now.”  She will wriggle her one hand out from behind my back, press her hands firmly together and beam her gigantic smile at me with all of her little teeth showing.  It is as if she is saying, “But I am praying mommy.  Just like you taught me.  Now please stop interrupting me with all your talk of bedtime.”  It makes me laugh every time and as she feels my body shaking with laughter (that I am trying hard to suppress)…she knows that she has me wrapped around her little praying fingers J  

Ella has been on many adventures over the past couple of months.  I must say that we are extremely lucky as Ella is an excellent traveler.  She loves to be in the car seat, riding in the car, yet also does not mind traveling by airplane.  For this reason, we have been able to take her on several trips without anxiety…and that has been so wonderful for us.  I was so afraid that she would inherit my terrible motion sickness…but instead she laughs and bounces during airplane turbulence as I hide my face in Erik’s shoulder, crying out for more Dramamine.  The three of us flew to California to spend the holidays with Erik’s parents and had a wonderful time basking in the southern CA. sun for Christmas and New Years.  Ella and I even got to swim in Nana and G.Pa’s warm backyard spa (pictures on the photo page) on New Years Day as the temps were in the 60’s and very pleasant.  We got to spend some great time with Erik’s Nana Jo (who turned 89 on New Years Eve) and many other good friends that we love to see while we are visiting out there.  Ella enjoyed her first mechanical horse ride on Balboa Island and also loved to ride around the house in the cool German car that Nana and G.Pa got her for Christmas.  G.Pa even taught Ella how to ride forward for the first time!!   

After we returned home, we celebrated my 30^th birthday on Jan. 7^th with my parents bringing over dinner and dessert so I did not have to cook.  What a great gift!!  Erik had planned to take me out that Friday night, just the two of us, and had already asked my parents to take Ella overnight for us.  I was so looking forward to a date night with my sweet husband all week long.  Friday night arrived and after my parents came to pick up Ella and all her gear, Erik took me to one of our favorite restaurants here in town.  I was so excited as we followed the hostess to our favorite room with the fireplace when I slowly realized that a large group of people were huddled in the corner screaming “SURPRISE” at me!  It took me a few minutes to register what was happening – that’s how good he got me.  Apparently, as I was told later, I turned and gave Erik an Elaine Benes-like double handed “get out!” push once I figured out what was happening.  I don’t remember doing that as I was too busy crying like a baby upon seeing that my sister, brother-in-law and Erik’s brother and girlfriend had all flown in from out of town…just to celebrate with me.  They stood there along with some of our best friends and family, including my parents & Ella, who had all been in on the scam.  WOW – what a great night!  I still don’t know how he pulled it off (I usually know EVERYTHING that is going on) but I know that I will never, ever forget how special it was.  You did good babe – really good! J      

I have been asked by other mothers of blind children (we all belong to the same Yahoo message board) if I know WHY Ella was born with bilateral anophthalmia (BA)…born without both of her eyes.  Some families think the reason they had a child born with BA is linked to an environmental toxin the mother was exposed to during pregnancy.  Chemicals from a Teflon frying pan, nearby golf course, apple orchard or nuclear power plant, for example.  There are also many families that have absolutely no idea why their children were born with BA…even after undergoing several tests to try and determine a concrete reason.  After much research, our family story seems to be quite unique…and so I wanted to share it.  It is an on-going story…and by that I hope I mean far from over.  I hope someday I will have new discoveries to share with all of you.  I am forever grateful to my mother’s father, my Grandpa Stanton, for his excellence in maintaining the Genealogy of our family.  Without his articulate collections over many, many years…none of this would be possible.  I love you Grandpa! J 

Five days after Ella was born in Toledo, she was transferred to the University of Michigan Children’s hospital NICU, where we hoped some of the world’s best specialists would help us better understand the extent of her congenital condition.  It was there that Ella’s condition was finally labeled as “isolated”, meaning she did not have any other obvious syndromes, disabilities, or issues that usually accompanied being born with BA.  It appeared that she was simply “just blind.”  During our stay at U of M, we also realized that there were others in our family (on my maternal side) who had been born with various eye-related issues.  My mom and I were asked by a team of Geneticists to draw up a family history of the people we knew were affected.  We knew of at least 5 in addition to Ella, and I will always remember how incredibly giddy the Geneticists became when reading our list…right there in the NICU…directly in front of us.  At the time, I was taken back by their excitement, a little bothered to be honest, that they would have the nerve to display such joy as it so tenderly related to our newly acquired roles as “parents of a blind child.”   

They determined right away that Ella would undergo Genetic testing of three genes that all relate to developmental disorders of the eye.  The genes are SOX2, SIX6 and PAX6.  The tests all came back…negative.  The Geneticists were stunned that Ella did not have any abnormalities in her genes, as it related to her BA.  While this was all going on, my Grandpa Stanton had already decided that Ella’s birth warranted a complete family tree of all those afflicted with blindness and/or other various degrees of abnormal eye structure. He put together an absolutely amazing Heredity chart, complete with descriptions & pictures of all 12 people in my family whose eyes had been affected in some way, dating back to as early as the 1800’s.  Most of the cases include such abnormalities as “heavy” eye lids, small eyes (microphthalmia) or oblong pupils (Coloboma).  There is only one other case of true BA (my mom’s first cousin, John, 53) and one case of unilateral anophthalmia (my first cousin’s son Derek, 4) who was born with only one eye.  We made copies of the chart and shared it with our Ocularist, Ella’s Ocular Plastic Surgeon that removed her cyst, and the Genetics team.   

OK – now I totally get what all of the excitement was about in the NICU that day.  We have been told that being born without your eyes and no other issues is pretty rare.  We have been given several differing statistics on this, so to say that it happens somewhere between 1 in 500,000 to 1 in 1,000,000 live births is accurate enough.   To have a family history like ours is quite certainly what you would call “rare”.  To top it off, the fact that a huge chunk of our family members live within an hour’s drive of U of M and would be willing to be part of a “testing group”…well, then, you have got yourself some extremely giddy Geneticists!  Long story short, there were some grants written and funds available for an Associate Professor of Internal Medicine and Human Genetics at the University of Michigan to conduct a new study on my family.  It is still going on right now – people give blood and get eye examinations, carriers and non-carriers are established, etc.  Research like this is for the truly patient, as collecting from such a large group can take LOTS of time & energy.  But…they believe that there is a yet to be discovered gene that is regulating the eye development in my family.  That is what they are trying to accomplish with this study – make a new discovery.  Thrilling for them, I’ve been told…and I guess I can see why.   

But here is the tricky part for me.  This is my family history.  Not Erik’s…but mine.  When people ask me if I know WHY Ella was born with BA, a totally honest answer could be, “Yes…because I passed it on to her.”  I did.  I did it unknowingly and there is nothing I could have done to prevent it.  But I did it.  It is a proven genetic fact.  I remember, soon after Ella was born, asking Erik, “Do you ever wish that you married someone else, so your first child would have been able to see?”  The second it came out of my mouth I knew I didn’t mean it.  I knew it was just one of those things you say in a moment of total emotional insanity and you don’t really mean.  Of course those of you who know Erik know that when he looked at me and told me that he would not change one thing about our marriage or our first child…he meant it with all of his heart.  And I am blessed way beyond what I deserve to have him as my husband and as Ella’s Daddy.   

I am also blessed to know that in this life there are still absolute truths.  Someone once said to me, “The Bible is either ALL truth or ALL lies – there is no half and half.”  Either you have faith and believe that the Bible is absolute truth – or you don’t.  I choose to believe.  Because of this, and ONLY because of this, am I able to rejoice.  In the book “The Life You’ve Always Wanted” by John Ortberg, he writes, “If we don’t rejoice today, we will not rejoice at all.  If we wait until conditions are perfect, we will still be waiting when we die.  If we are going to rejoice, it must be in this day.  This is the day that the Lord has made.”  Whenever I experience a tinge of blame, or feel myself on the verge of tears over the truth of my situation (and believe me, it does still happen) I remember the words of Proverbs 3:5-6.  “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all of your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.”   Sigh…a deep breath…complete peace.  Keep in mind that just because we believe, it does not mean that we don't grieve.  As believers, we still mourn...we just don't mourn like those that have no HOPE. 

I don’t know much about Human Genetics but I trust in God’s plan for my life and I will not question it.  I don’t know much about discovering new genes, but I trust that God wove Ella in my womb and that He knew that she would never see way before she was even born.  I still don’t understand why when I think of the challenges that lie ahead for my daughter, but I trust that God has big plans in store for Ella’s life.  I realize that while I can only see a few pieces of the jigsaw puzzle that is my life, God is the only one who knows what the front of the box looks like. 

It is only because I have faith that I don’t sob to people that the reason Ella is blind is because of ME.  Because of God’s grace, I don’t have to wallow in self pity and guilt over passing on a gene to my daughter that somehow halted the development of her eyes.  Ella is the 23^rd great grandchild of my maternal Grandpa and Grandma, yet I don’t sit and think…why me?  Of all the kids in my family…why was my child chosen to be blind?  I don’t have to waste time agonizing over all the things Ella “could have been” if only she had vision.  Because I trust so fully in God’s grace, I don’t have to live in fear of the great chance we have of this happening again to another child, if we are so blessed to give Ella a sibling in the future.  God knows the desires of our hearts, and He wants to give us what we want.  I would love more than anything to have another child blessed with vision, but I feel comfortable knowing that if it doesn’t happen – we already have the experience of raising one blind child – isn't that all we would need to raise another?

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8 talks about how there is an appointed time for everything under heaven.  “A time to give birth and a time to die…a time to plant and a time to uproot…a time to tear down and a time to build…a time to weep and a time to laugh…a time to mourn and a time to dance…” 

We have made a conscious choice in our family that Ella’s birth and her life definitely calls for some serious dancing.  We will inadvertently bump into things, possibly get really dizzy or even fall flat on our faces.  But the important thing is…we have decided to rejoice!  And because of this, we will get right back up…and keep on dancing. 

 GO BLUE!!

   It has been awhile since I have had the time (or clear enough thoughts!) to update this site as a nasty little virus has been running rampant in our house since Halloween.  I cringe to even bring it up now, as we are finally starting to regain some normalcy in our lives and I plan to block the last two weeks out of my mind forever!  Plus, chances are we all got sick from something we picked up on our trip to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico and I am determined NOT to be afraid to go back to that beautiful, relaxing, warm place again – so let’s just forget we were all so sick, OK?  Let’s forget that we all spent Halloween night in the fetal position on our couch, moaning on about our aches, pains and levels of nausea.  Let’s forget that Erik and I traded several forearm shivers in the hallway as we raced each other to the bathroom.  And let’s just say we were not in a race to brush our teeth.  Let’s just forget that poor Ella, who got it MUCH worse than us, had to spend three days in the hospital after becoming severely dehydrated and losing two pounds in three days.  (For a girl who is only 18.5 pounds to begin with – well, that’s just not good for anybody)  Let’s forget that we nearly consumed our individual weights in popsicles.  Ugh.  Let’s also forget the infinite loads of laundry we had to do as Ella easily went through five outfits and a new bed sheet everyday for ten days.  Hey, if you have seen her closet, you know the girl does not lack for outfits, but please – the mere scent of Dreft and I still tremble just a little bit.  Oh, right…we are forgetting all of that.  OK…   

  Despite our woes upon returning home, our little respite in Mexico was absolutely wonderful!  Erik, Ella and I met Erik’s parents, Greg and Joan, down in Cabo and we all stayed at G & J’s timeshare at the Pueblo Bonito Sunset Beach Resort.  This was our third time staying there – and the first time we brought Ella with us “south of the border!”  The weather was, hands down, the BEST we have ever had.  It had to be 85-90 and sunny each and every day we were there.  Simply gorgeous.  The perfect combination of warmth and breeze coming off of the Pacific Ocean.  Ella did so much better than any of us expected; actually, she probably enjoyed herself the most of all of us.  The first time we took her down by the beach, she giggled uncontrollably as she tried to “catch” the breeze with her little hands.  With the wind in her hair and the sun on her face, she seemed more alive than I have ever remembered seeing her before.  She loved being down by the pool all day, swimming when she felt like it and napping comfortably in the cabana when she needed a break.  Greg (G.Pa) took her on a long stroller walk every day around naptime and sat with her at their special place he named “23 Palms” as she softly snoozed the afternoon away, or sat up happily listening to the birds and the pounding surf.  Some evenings we chose to get ready and go out to dinner in town and other nights we just hung out in our room and ordered in.  Ella had such a perfect “go with the flow” attitude all week – we were all constantly surprised how easily she adapted to her unfamiliar surroundings.  I now know she is a true “beach bum” at heart!!   What an incredible time of rest, relaxation, and refreshment.  (And I’m not just taking about “Happy hour!”)  Thanks, Greg and Joan, for getting us down there and for such a special week together!!  We will be back – we are NOT afraid – we promise! J  

This morning, I found myself submerged in an exceptional peace exclusive only to those that wake up feeling extremely blessed.  Today my heart overflows with thankfulness.  I am thankful that God chose Erik for me, and that He knew Erik was the missing piece that would ultimately complete the puzzle of my life.  I am thankful for Erik’s never ending patience, his complete love for Ella and me, and for his strong, yet quiet & gentle spirit.  I am thankful that I get to be Ella’s mommy.  What a tremendous joy and awesome responsibility!  I am thankful that I get to stay home with her, and not miss one second of her precious growth & development.  These are truly cherished days for us.  I am thankful that Ella is spunky, sassy and sweet…all at the same time.  I am thankful that she knows both sets of her grandparents and that the four of them love her with a special kind of love only a grandparent can give.  I am thankful that she has Aunts and Uncles and a cousin that will all help teach her how to be very “cool.”  I am thankful that Ella still sleeps sometimes until 11:00 am, so I can venture downstairs to sip coffee & capture the morning sunlight filter through the windows of this old house that I love so much.  Even though this place has all of the nuances of a 90 year old house, it is bursting at the seams with character and we have made it our HOME.  I am thankful that it is finally FALL outside, my very favorite time of the year.  I am thankful for pumpkin flavored anything (especially pumpkin cheesecake at Cheesecake Factory), the smell of hot cider on the stove and the sound of crisp leaves crunching beneath my feet.  I am thankful for all of our great friends & family – those that live close and those that are far, far away from us in distance…but always close in our hearts.   

Friends & Family.  Erik, Ella and I have some of the very BEST.  All of these people love our Ella and have been by our side through all of the ups and downs we’ve experienced since her birth.  They have let us cry on their shoulders, shared many excellent words of encouragement and picked us up when we had fallen down with grief.  For all of this we are extremely thankful. 

With all that said…imagine this scenario with me.  Imagine meeting other people who knew exactly what to say to you because they had been through almost exactly what you are going through right now.  People who researched the same condition you researched – learned how to spell it, pronounce it & eventually accept it as part of your daughter’s life.  People that shared your same agony and devastation, ached your same aches over the fact that your firstborn child would never lay eyes upon your face, never visually experience all of the beautiful things this extremely sight-oriented world has to offer.  People who share your intimate knowledge of Ocularists, conformers, prosthetics & eye ointment.  Imagine meeting people that you could vent your feelings to and whether they said something great, or nothing at all…they totally understood how you felt – because they have felt almost the exact same way.  Imagine meeting people that just smile when your little girl throws a tantrum for no reason, harkening back to the very same frustration their little girl felt before she could communicate her feelings verbally.  Imagine this for a minute…doesn’t it sound marvelous??  

I am happy to say that we are finally done imagining!!  We experienced such a meeting this past weekend, as we spent time with our new friends Megan & Bobby and their daughter Ava, who turns 3 in February.  I felt an instant connection to Megan ever since the very first time we spoke via e-mail.  We met 9 months ago on a private Yahoo message board, exclusive to parents of blind children.  We began to e-mail quite a bit, sharing stories and getting to know each other via the wonderful waves of the cyber universe.  We immediately had a lot in common.  Both of our girls were born with an isolated condition of bilateral anophthalmia.  Both are our firstborn & only children (although Ava will have a baby sister in December!!), and they are only 1 ½ years apart.  There are several members on the Yahoo board, but Megan stood out from the pack as a kind of “mentor” for me.  Someone who has traveled down the path I was on before me, she often left bits of insight and encouragement along the way to help me navigate my route a little easier.  I appreciated her honesty, her empathy for me and the fierce love she has for her family, especially her sweet Ava.  Conversation came very easy for us.  It was obvious we would be fast friends.  I was so excited when we decided to get our families together & finally meet in person.  How can you put into words how you feel about someone that you hardly know, yet so many aspects of your lives are so similar that you feel like you could have been “separated at birth?”  That is how I phrased it for Erik on our drive home.  Megan and I could have been “separated at birth”  

Needless to say our weekend was all that I hoped it would be…and more!!  It was wonderful and comfortable and easy and FUN!!  The girls played so well together on the floor of our hotel room, rolling balls back and forth and giggling like only little girls can.  Every time Ella started to fuss, Ava said, “Ella’s funny!”, making us all laugh.  Erik & Bobby were happy to talk sports as they watched college football and played with the girls.  (Here is how I knew that Bobby was as big a sports fan as Erik.  The 6 of us were eating dinner at the Cheesecake Factory on Saturday night in this big round booth.  There were little square mirrors above our heads & at one point Bobby was staring right over Ella’s head for a few minutes.  I finally figured out that he was trying to watch the end of the LSU/Kentucky game – backwards through the mirror – on the TV that was in the bar across the restaurant.  Big smile J It made me feel right at home.)  Megan and I could have talked…and talked…and talked…for a very long time – Starbucks in hand!!  Erik and I loved sharing stories and talking about the joys and challenges of raising a blind child with them.  We totally “got” each other.  We laughed, ate yummy food, hugged and sang to our girls, and enjoyed the warm breeze of an early fall day in Cleveland.  As much as Megan feels that for them, watching Ella was like watching Ava a year and a half ago…it was just as significant for us to watch Ava walk around, talking up a storm and communicating so well.  I had always cherished Ava’s stories and pictures as a little glimpse into what our future with Ella might bring. 

So, even though I started writing this yesterday, I am still relishing my blessings today.

Thank you Megan, for being like a mother “mentor” to me.  You don’t know the huge part you have played in my life the past 9 months even though we have only met once!  Thank you  Bobby & Erik, for being such amazing Daddies to two very lucky girls.  Thank you sweet Ava P., for your kind spirit, for playing so nice with Ella and for giving me such a big kiss when we said goodbye!  Thank you beautiful Ella, for all of the imprints you have left on my heart in your 16 months of life.