1 Samuel 1: 27-28

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has given me what I asked of him.  So now I give him to the Lord."

Before Ella was born, I truly identified with Hannah in this verse and the depth of her desire to have a child.  She was desperate - and she chose to pour out her pain in prayer to the only one who could fill her empty arms.  Even though I did not go to the extent of weeping bitterly and not eating like Hannah did - I shared her heart's longing for a child of my own and prayed that God would grant the desires of my heart.  After four painful miscarriages, I had become the woman who, upon taking a positive pregnancy test, immediately and with shaky hands called her Doctor - not her close family and friends.  Instead of figuring out the coolest way to tell everyone, I was worried about getting on the right medications that would hopefully help me to sustain the pregnancy past the first few weeks.  When you have experienced that much loss, your ability to be blissfully happy is gone - and you settle for being restrained in your joy, wondering every day if your body will be able to handle it...if this time will finally be the time.  You want to share the good news with your loved ones, but you choose not to...just yet...to save you the sorrow of possibly having to face them later with a broken heart and not many answers. 

It kills you that you are not able to dive straight into planning your dream baby shower, start picking out names, or just sit back and enjoy your stress-free pregnancy.  For a "high-risk" case such as myself...each and every Dr. appointment is met with bated breath and the fear that something has gone wrong.  Even when you see the little heartbeat on ultrasound, you are unable to totally relax, wondering if it will still be beating strong at your next appointment...or if you will be leaving the Dr.'s office only to make another appointment that will leave you "un"pregnant and full of sadness.  I realized that it might be possible, that I, like many other women in the world, might never experience motherhood, despite the longing in my heart.  My faith, though shaky at times, remained constant that God was in control and had His plan.  I waited...and waited...and waited.  After being pregnant four times before, now it seemed that my struggle was just to get pregnant to begin with! 

We decided to aid our cause with the help of fertility treatments, as well as other medications in hopes of helping my weak eggs along once a pregnancy "took."  I took enormous pills, gave myself shots in the thigh at home, and visited the Fertility clinic three times a month for three months.  Let me just say that Fertility meds are not for the faint of heart and if your husband does not have the patience of a Saint...forget the whole thing!  I turned into an evil version of myself, and I could not do anything about it.   I realized just how sensitive my body is to different medications and treatments.  We had had enough.  We chose to forgo all pills, shots and treatments for one month so we could travel on our annual vacation to Mexico.  Wouldn't you know sweet Ella would arrive nearly nine months later!  

My pregnancy with Ella was really a dream come true.  I found it hard to complain about the constant nausea I had, weight gain, or any aches and pains.  I had fought the battle, done things I never thought I could do to myself and I was finally experiencing a healthy pregnancy.  I was determined to soak in every beautiful and precious minute of it.  At night time, lying in our bed with my hand on my ever-growing belly, I knew that the Creator of the universe - the one who made the heavens and the earth - was personally creating my unborn child.  Way before we knew that Ella would be born without eyes, I believed that the same God that hangs the stars in the night sky was at work on His latest masterpiece - my baby!  He wove together all of her tiny parts, put all her hairs in place, and heard every beat of her heart.  When Ella was born, I remembered reading that when God knits, he does not make mistakes.  He neither misses or adds an extra stitch.  I knew that Ella was a one of a kind original.  I was able to rest assured that she was created just for us - and that we were the only ones that would be able to care for her, love her and give her what she needed in this life.  She is still quite a "one of a kind" girl now - 2 next month! - doing things we never imagined and making us laugh in ways we only dreamed about!

This past Mother's Day was especially significant for me as I carry our second child - a little BOY! - that is due this fall.  Much like Hannah again, I had prayed that we would be able to give Ella a sibling.  God not only granted me the desire of my heart...but did it on the "first try", with no fertility drugs, no shots, no complications, no fear of loss...I could go on and on.  My heart overflows today with the thought of the little brother for Ella that is being created just for us.  To say he will be an extra special addition to our family is an understatement.  As a "special needs sibling", I feel confident that he will grow up with an extra measure of compassion for others that are "different."  In his knowledge of the world, he will understand that some people can walk, others cannot.  Some people can hear, others can't.  Some can see, his sister never will.  But that will be no big deal to him - because she is his sister.  And they will be bound together forever by genes and family memories.  I cannot wait to begin my journey as a mother of two - two little masterpieces...created just for us. 

Proverbs 13:12

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." 

Ella and I met Erik for lunch today at Panera.  Nothing out of the ordinary...we like to meet him for lunch during homestands to spend a little extra time with him.  But today, as Ella sat in her high chair at the end of the table and inhaled potato chips like they were going out of style, I realized something.  As I looked at her and Erik, my heart began to swell, tears welled in my eyes and a lump formed in my throat.  All of my life, I dreamed of meeting the right person, falling in love, getting married, starting a family and being a stay at home mom to my children.  I realized that I have been lucky enough to accomplish not just one or two, but all of the things I once dreamed about.  I looked at Ella and realized that she is such a beautiful combination of the two of us.  She has my machine gun laugh, but Erik's cute space between her two front teeth.  She shares his fierce passion, but seems to also share my spirit of silliness.  She definitely has inherited my elf ears, but makes the exact same little pouty face that he did when he was young.  Sometimes I tell Erik that I feel like I am going to break into pieces with how much I love Ella.  Like my heart is simply too big for my chest anymore and might burst out of my shirt at any given moment.  He knows exactly what I mean because he feels the same way.   Having your own children is the most wonderful, most rewarding, most difficult and most heart wrenching experience a person can have, in my opinion.  It can be cruel and beautiful and magical and exhausting all at once.  I am cherishing my role as a parent these days, just sitting back and thanking God for all of the wonderful things that make my life so full.  Thanking Him for both the terrific and the terrible.  Both the pain and the prizes.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  It all combines to form this life we have - and I cannot imagine it any other way. 

While Erik's parents were visiting at the end of April, Ella decided that it was time she learned to say her name.  Erik just asked her one night, "What's your name?" and she replied, "A-ya."  It is priceless.  I posted a new video of her talking to Erik and answering his questions.  She is now in full-on "repeating" mode.  I love, love, love it so much!!  I have been waiting for a long time for her to start using her little voice and now that she has found it - she talks more and more each day.  The best was the other day when she was playing with her Bruin Bear (who is voice activated).  He asks questions and if you don't answer in time, he says, "I guess you're tired.  Let's rest now.  Bye-Bye."  Ella responded "See ya" when he said bye bye and I had just taught her to say that like two days ago!!  Man, is she picking things up FAST! 

Ella is still not walking totally independantly in an open space - she will trail the couch, the table, the wall, etc. - but seems unsure yet when she "lets go."  She has not been a huge fan of using her walker lately, but the other day it was absolutely beautiful outside (almost 70 degrees!) and I had an idea.  We took her walker out on our very long driveway and I stood beside her with the bag of mini-marshmallows.  My standby for bribery - it works like a charm!   I told her that she had to stand up at her walker for one marshmallow, which she did, and then she had to take some steps before she could get anymore.  She walked with her walker from our garage to the sidewalk and back 3 times!!  Only stopping to lean her belly up against the bar and clap wildly for more marshmallows.  She looked so independant, with the sunshine on her face and the breeze blowing her hair around.  It was a big day for us!!  Now, on to getting her confidence up to start "letting go" more often...

I am also so glad that we started taking Ella to baseball games when she was only a few weeks old.  She absolutely loves all things Mud Hens and I have a feeling it is just a matter of time before she is a true ballpark rat.  Opening Day for the Hens this year was April 3rd and after snoozing away all of the pre-game activities, Ella woke up just in time for the first pitch and right before the clouds rolled in to block the sun and make it really cool in the seating bowl.  We took our party of Erik's parents, my dad, Ella and I up to the offices where we warmed up and still got to keep an eye on the game through the long windows that overlook the field.  Ella did so great the entire time - she only buried her head in our chests when the clapping got too loud, or the kids sitting behind us started screaming like you are supposed to do at baseball games.  This is going to be a fun season for us, and I am really looking forward to many more games with my girl.  Bring on the warmer weather, of course, and we are there!!

The night before Easter, we spent some time at our friends, the Griffins, house and Hank (almost 6) and Eddie (3) kept us entertained all night!  They are two of the sweetest boys you will ever meet, and they wanted to do all they could to ensure Ella was having the time of her life.  They brought toys to her, played blocks with her, and sang songs to her that made her smile.  Eddie sang her the "ABC song" while she ate dinner and Hank sang her "Baa Baa Black Sheep."  Jennifer also spent some time singing to Ella and claims it was the first time anyone ever applauded after she was finished singing   We had such a great time with our friends!

What a wonderful Easter Sunday we had this year!!  Ella popped up pretty fast early Sunday morning when I stuck my head in and said..."It's Easter!  Today we find some Easter eggs!"  She loves eggs - especially scrambled - so she was pretty darn excited.  We went to church with Grandma and PaPa and enjoyed a great service with beautiful music and a wonderful Easter message about the Resurrection.  Ella slept the entire service back in the Cry Room with Grandma - she does not like to be "shushed" during church and likes to pick that exact time to practice her counting reallyloud!!!  We headed over to Grandma and PaPa's house after church and set up for the big Easter lunch.  We had quite the crowd - but nothing unusual for a holiday with Jill's side of the family!  Great-Grandma Blitz came over from Aspen Grove and Lucille (Denny's mom) also joined us.  Rounding out the group were Di, Karley, Denny & Marlene, Marty & Missy, Mans, Michael, Skyler, Alex, Corey & Leah, Olivia, Mason, Kevin, Mark & Julie, Johnny, Alyssa, Chrissy, Grandma & PaPa, Erik & Jill and Ella.  We shared a delicious Easter meal that we realized was the exact meal we shared in 2001 as a mysterious home video was resurrected and we enjoyed watching how much everyone had changed in 7 years!!  I made the infamous Bunny Cake that I have been making ever since I was little (my dad used to help me) and I refuse to be humble.  It was the best Bunny Cake ever!  Usually it just sits in the middle of the table as a centerpiece and ends up getting all hard and crusty and no one wants to eat it.  Let me just tell you that there was a line of people, cake plates in hand, this year to try the Bunny Cake.   I was feeling pretty good about myself!   Grandma put on a great Easter Egg hunt for the kids with eggs hidden all over the house (still too cold outside in Michigan!) which contained either yummy goodies or pennies.  Ella even found her own 6 eggs with help from various family members.  We saved the pennies for her piggy bank and gave her a couple of jelly beans - which she loved!  It does not take much sugar to get Ella all jazzed, so the rest of the candy was stashed away for another time   We did want to get some sleep that night!!

There is a lot going on around here these days!  We are just over a week away from Opening Day for the Toledo Mud Hens 2008 baseball season.  Erik's parents arrive on Thursday to stay with us for a week, and they will be joining us for Opening Day festivities, along with my parents as well.  This is one of the earliest Opening Days that we can remember, so I told Nana and G.pa to bring warm clothes from California cuz it will be CHILLY here in Ohio!!  Thankfully we know "people" so we can warm up on the suite level if we get too numb.  One of the perks of Daddy's job!!  This will be Ella's second Opening Day and I am excited to see how she enjoys the ballpark this season.  We have been teaching her the words to "Take me out to the ballgame" so she is fully prepared for her first (of many!) seventh inning stretches this year!

Ella has learned a few new words as well as three new signs lately.  She is catching on really quick and it is so fun to listen to her go through her list of words!  She says them all at the appropriate times as well.  She is still doing well on her counting, and now she can tell us the numbers out of order as well.  We ask, "what comes after 5?" and so on, and she will get them right - every time!  When she tries to sling her skinny leg up onto the couch to climb on, she yells, "Up!" and when she gets on her belly to slide back to the floor, she yells, "Down!"  When we are changing her diaper, I say, "dirty diaper..." and she says, "Off!" and then I say, "clean diaper" and she says, "On!"  The same goes for "In" and "out."  Erik will sit on the floor with her and they will be playing with her tin can with the lids and she will put them in and take them out, all while yelling out what she is doing.  Another favorite word lately is "Boom!"  We taught her to say this when she ran into things with her walker, or fell back onto the ground when she was trying to walk.  Now we say it when we throw her onto the bed, the couch, etc.  When she says it, it comes out more like "bum!" and it is so stinking adorable.  I absolutely LOVE to see her making these connections. 

I also taught her the signs for mommy, daddy, and milk the other day.  We learned those from sitting and watching a Baby Einstein video of My First Signs.  Now she knows those three, along with hungry, thirsty, love you and storybook (kind of!)  She still gets confused with signs sometimes, but we continue to work on it daily.  Just another thing I never thought I would be able to do with my blind child...and I stand corrected yet again!!  She is pretty amazing right now - and we are excited to see how she continues to progress as we approach her 2nd Birthday coming up in June!

At the close of the Extreme Makeover – Home Edition episode a couple of weeks ago featuring our friends the Hughes family, Patrick Henry played and sang a Brooks & Dunn song that I know he loves so much.  It is called “Believe.” Some of the lyrics read:
I can't quote the book
The chapter or the verse
You can't tell me it all ends
In a slow ride in a hearse
You know I'm more and more convinced
The longer that I live
Yeah, this can't be
No, this can't be
No, this can't be all there isWhen I raise my hands, bow my head
I'm finding more and more truth in the words written in red
They tell me that there's more to life than just what I can see
I believe…Oh, I believe 

Patrick played and sang that song when he and his father visited our area a few months ago and I loved hearing him sing it in person just as much as I enjoyed seeing him on that show.  My apologies to Brooks and Dunn, but Patrick’s version of this song is my favorite.  I love the passion with which he sings these words.  Patrick Henry’s passion and his attitude in general are so contagious.  Infectious.  I want to surround myself with people like Patrick Henry all the time – encouraging, supportive, inspiring, and enthusiastic.  What an amazing outlook on life he has embraced.  His rendition of “Believe” got me thinking about how blessed I am to truly know that there really is more to this life.  More than this earth can offer us.  More waiting for us in that wonderful and sometimes mysterious place called heaven.  I know this because, as the song says, I believe.  I choose to believe.  Every minute of every day I make that choice.  

The song talks about “finding more and more truth in the words written in red.”  In the Bible, the words written in red are the words Jesus actually spoke when he was on the earth as a man, experiencing life as we do.  John 1:14 says, “The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us.”  Those words He spoke are full of encouragement, support, inspiration, enthusiasm.  Full of promise and hope.  So when the Bible tells me that Jesus said in Matthew 10:32, “Whoever acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge him before my Father in heaven.  But whoever disowns me before men, I will disown him before my Father in heaven,” I choose to believe that is the real, raw, honest, nothing else matters truth.  That if we choose to believe in His Word, realize we are separated from Him by our sins, receive Him into our hearts as our Savior and try our best everyday to live for Him – then that extraordinary place called heaven becomes a reality for us.  No more wondering…does it really, truly exist?  Do I think I might be going there?  Have I done enough good in my life to get me in?  Ephesians 2:8 says, “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast.”  The truth is, as many people unfortunately think, doing all the “good” in the world is just not enough to save you a spot in heaven.  In what might be the most popular Bible verse of all time, John 3:16, we are promised, “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life.”  Eternal life in heaven, with God, where there is no hurt, pain or suffering.  Where broken human bodies are healed and replaced with new perfect heavenly bodies.   

Eternal life has always been somewhat of a mystery to me.  I have read the Bible, front to back, end to end, and I still have trouble wrapping my head around the concept.  I realize that God does not expect us to ever understand it while we are still on this earth – that is where faith comes in.  As Max Lucado writes in one of his books, “It’s Not about Me”; “Eternity makes no sense to us, the time-bound.  You might as well be handed a book written in kanji (unless of course, you are Japanese!)  You look at the characters and all you see is zigzagged lines.  You shake your head.  This language finds no home in your heart.”  You just have to be faithful.  As believers, we are commanded in Matthew 28:19 to “Go and make disciples of all nations...”  Basically, once you believe for yourself – GO AND TELL OTHERS!  “…teach them to obey everything I have commanded you.”  Share the good news!  Thanks in large part to my wonderful parents, (and an amazing godly man named Paul Walberg who was my youth pastor) I cannot remember one minute of my life where I did not know the truth of God’s Word.  I learned about it as a child and made a decision to give my life to Him at the young age of 10 or 11.  As I grew up, truly “living for Him” became increasingly more challenging for me as the pressures and the temptations of the world crept in.  Sharing my faith – really getting out there and telling people about what I believe – has always been a struggle for me.  Was I ashamed?  No.  Did I lack boldness?  Maybe.  Was I simply afraid of what people would say or think?  Probably.  I tend to be one that wants to live it more through my words and actions – the things I say and the way I treat people – then waving my Bible on a street corner and screaming from the mountaintops that “Jesus is Lord!”    

I wonder why I have been so hesitant for so many years.  Maybe it has been some of the times in my life when my actions and words were NOT matching up with the beliefs deep in my heart.  The last thing on my mind was sharing my faith in Jesus.  Looking like a hypocrite and a coward are not my ideas of a good time.  Yet despite our failures…God loves us anyway.  He is not fooled by appearances.  We cannot fake our behavior to impress Him.  He knows that inside the best of us lurk dark feelings that only He can deal with.  As believers, we will stumble.  We will fall.  There will be times where we make the wrong choices.  Say the wrong thing.  Do the wrong thing.  Screw up royally.  Guess what?  God forgives.  God forgets.  You can get right with Him again if you want to.  That is one of the many, many amazing things about God.  He will meet you where you are.  Time and time again.  I am thankful that while God accepts us for who we are – He is not satisfied to leave us that way.  He wants to change our hearts.  He wants us to have a personal relationship with Him.  He wants us to experience salvation so we can relish the wonder and glory that is eternal life in heaven.  If I had to get up every morning thinking, “Is this REALLY all there is?” I imagine I’d be pretty darn depressed.  We are lucky that He gave us such a beautiful world, however imperfect because of sin, to experience during our time here.  But thank God this is not all there is!!  John 14:2-3 tells us, “For I go to prepare a place for you…I will come again and receive you to myself that where I am, there you may be also.”  The real prize is in heaven.  That is where we will get down to business and do some real living.  Living for and worshipping Him.  To that end, we should make the best of our time here on this earth.  Follow His commandments.  Try to love others with the love of Jesus.  Share the good news of salvation with as many people as you possibly can.  Maybe you are the only person in someone’s life that might take the time to show them the love of Jesus.  Don’t pass up any more opportunities.  Don’t be ashamed.  As the popular children’s song says, “This little light of mine.  I’m gonna let it shine.  Everywhere I go, I’m gonna let it shine.”  Don’t let the sun go down on one more day without making sure people know where you stand and who you choose to serve in this life.  It might not be the “easy” choice, as far as the world is concerned, but it is the ONLY choice you can make that truly pays eternal dividends. 

I thank God daily for the gift that is my daughter, as her life has strengthened my faith in ways I could never imagine.  There was a Dr. in the NICU who approached us the day after Ella was born, test results in hand, waiting to break the news to us for the first time.  He stood in front of us, paused, and said, “My deepest sympathies on your tragedy.”  Never in my life will I ever forget the way those words stung me.  The dictionary definition of tragedy is “an event resulting in great loss and misfortune.”  To this Doctor, the fact that Ella was born blind and possibly with other issues as well was simply a great loss in his mind.  A terrible misfortune.  At the time, I was completely livid that he would choose to say something like that to us.  I had just given birth to a beautiful baby girl who was breathing, moving, crying…needing to be held and loved.  So…she’s blind?  Possibly more?  It is not what we expected to hear, but we will deal with it, right?  She is our baby.  Our brand new beautiful little girl.  I found absolutely nothing tragic about that fact. 

Later, in my hospital room, as the reality of Ella’s condition finally set in, I realized that if it was not for our faith in a sovereign God – I easily could have seen our situation as a tragedy.  It was a great loss.  Loss of dreams…loss of the bliss that is supposed to surround the birth of your first child…loss of having our prayers for a healthy baby answered.  It certainly could have been seen as a great misfortune.   However, as deep as my flesh was grieving that day, my heart was slowly finding peace.  I knew that even though it might have seemed that God had not answered our prayers; that our requests and what we had received were not matching up…He had indeed been listening to us.  He just had higher plans in mind.  As difficult as it was, we were willing to trust Him to find out what those plans were.  I remember frantically asking my parents to find a bible.  I raced through the pages, looking for the verse that was playing over and over in my head.  The one where Jesus, after crying out to God to spare his life, finally realized that his Father would indeed sacrifice him for the sake of the entire world.  In Matthew 26:39, Jesus, knowing he will be hung on a cross to die, tells his father – “Not my will, but thy will be done.”  We wrote that verse on a piece of purple paper and hung it on the wall in our hospital room the day we received the news of Ella’s condition.  Not our plans, but your plans, Lord.  If we were ever going to find the strength to get through this, we were going to fully trust God to give it to us.  Whatever ways He chose to do that.  I look back now and think, while our struggle might seem to pale in comparison to what some people experience in life, the following might have been true.  “Is there any chance, any possibility that you have been selected to struggle for God’s glory?  Have you been granted, for Christ’s sake, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake?”  Max Lucado goes on in the book, “It’s Not About Me” to say this:  “Your faith in the face of suffering cranks up the volume of God’s song.  God will use whatever he wants to display His glory.  Heavens and stars.  History and nations.  People and problems.”   

A little blind girl from Ohio?  God allowed us to see Ella’s birth not as a tragedy, but as an amazing opportunity.  Could He have allowed Ella to be born with eyes?  To spare us from all the shock and pain surrounding her birth?  Of course He could.  But He didn’t.   He chose to allow us to use our suffering for His glory.  Let me be clear on this.  We chose to trust Him.  We didn’t have to.  Do you know how many people asked us if we were mad at God?   Don’t you think it would have been easier for us to just blame God for “doing” this to us?  We could have cried for days, “Why us? Why?  Why?”  But…we already knew why.  We knew that our pain had a purpose.  And that was only because God gave us the peace that passes all understanding.  We could not have done it on our own.  We still wished that our daughter would just open her eyes and finally see us one day.  We were still afraid that we might not know how to care for her properly, give her the right instruction in life, teach her about happiness.  We chose to be faithful and cling to the belief that God’s higher plans would be revealed to us in time.   

And now, at 20 months old, Ella’s fierce spirit reminds us daily what a sovereign God we serve.  Who knew I would have created a website for Ella where I could share such personal feelings with so many?  Who knew I would be given such a platform to share about our story and our faith?  Well, it’s simple.  God did.  Because of the peace only He can give, we chose to make our hospital room that day a showcase for Him.  The nurses came in and saw our verse hung on the wall.  “Wow”, they said.  “What faith you must have.”  Let me be clear again.  Our faith does not come from anything in this world.  It does not come from something that inspired us on an episode of Oprah.  You will not be able to find it reading the latest popular self-help book.  It only comes from trusting in an all-knowing, all-loving God.  God does not have an ego problem.  He does not reveal His glory for His good.  We need to witness it for ours.   

If Ella decides one day that she wants to follow Him, desires to make Him Lord of her life; then our work as parents is done.  That is our greatest desire for Ella.  Whatever else she might accomplish in her life will just be beautiful accents to her salvation.  I will always be thankful to my cousin Corey for pointing out a sublime thought when Ella was just a few weeks old, “Just think” he said, “when Ella gets to heaven, the first person she will ever see is Jesus.”   I cannot imagine a more perfect sight than that.   

Time to let your little light shine J  

PS:  When I worked for the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, they came out with a great link on their website that explains salvation using sports terms that many people can relate to.  If you are interested, you can check it out at http://www.morethanwinning.org/.  If you like what you read…I’d love to hear about it J

On Saturday, February 23, Erik and I will celebrate our 6^th wedding anniversary.  6 years to the day that my mom was giving her toast at our wedding reception…and Clifford the Big Red Dog strolls into the room to thunderous applause and cheers from our guests.  (I suppose that statement deserves a little back-story for some people J) 

In the summer of 2000, I was an intern at our local PBS TV station in downtown Toledo.  We were about to air a new popular children’s show, Clifford the Big Red Dog, and we were promoting it like crazy.  The Toledo Mud Hens are our local Triple A Baseball Team (the AAA affiliate for the Detroit Tigers) and we thought it would be a great idea to have Clifford appear at a Sunday afternoon game to get all the kids excited about watching the show.  What a perfect idea!  When the Clifford suit came from the book company, we quickly realized that there were not going to be many people that would fit comfortably in the suit.  It was much smaller then we originally thought and all of the sudden…all eyes were on me.  “Jill, why don’t you do it?  Have you ever been a mascot before?”  WHAT??  ME??  Nope, no mascot experience.  However, as I was simply an unpaid intern just trying to earn credit for school and possibly land a job after I graduated, I agreed to don the Clifford suit at the Mud Hens game that Sunday.  Are any of you reading this trying to lose weight right now?  Stop the dieting and put away your running shoes, because I have a sure-fire way to melt the pounds off.  Just dress in a big, hot, furry dog suit with attachable “head” included on a 95 degree afternoon in the middle of July and stand out in the sunshine at a baseball game waving at everyone like a crazy fool.  Lean over all day, hugging kids who think you are the “real deal” and squeeze their sweaty arms around you as they pose for pictures.  Don’t forget to run on the dusty field in between innings doing cartwheels (yes, they made me do that and thank God the head stayed on) and nearly passing out due to heat exhaustion.  I dropped 10 pounds by 4:00 that afternoon.  The Mud Hens were gracious enough to allow “Clifford” to come into the front office for a much needed break every now and then.  I would take the gargantuan dog head off and one of the ticket guys would spray my face with a cool water bottle.  I also re-packed the ice vest they had me wearing under the suit, although it did little to keep me cool that day.   Erik was in charge of the ticket office at the time (back when the Hens still played at the Ned) and during one of my breaks, I remember thinking he was really handsome.  We did not speak at all, and who are we kidding, I was suffering from heat stroke anyway, so I did not think much of him as I drove home from the ballpark that night.  (Possibly the skinniest I have ever been in my life - Whoo-Hoo!) 

About a month later, a group of us from the restaurant I was working at were out and I saw some guys I recognized from the Mud Hens.  I walked up to say hello and all I got in return were six blank faces.  They had absolutely no idea who I was!  I said, “It’s me. Clifford!” and they were all like, “Oh yeah!  Clifford…now I remember.”  (When asked what could be an important decision I have made in my life, I will admit that choosing to be Clifford that day definitely ranks pretty high up there!) I smiled at Erik and realized how handsome he really was, remembering him from that day at the ballpark.  To make an awfully long story somewhat short, we hung out that night…and have been together each and every night since then.  People may think we are silly, but we truly knew within days that we were meant for each other.  Maybe even sooner than that.  We had a true fairy tale romance from the start.  He revealed to me while we were dating that he remembered thinking how cute I was the day I was Clifford.  Remember now…I was sweaty, wearing no make-up, hair slicked back wet from the spray bottle, red fuzz clinging to me everywhere…not to mention wearing a big red dog suit.  Bless his heart, I thought, he either has real bad vision or he likes girls in dog suits.  I was happy to find out later that he just liked me…not so much the suit.  Whew!  Thank God.   

We were engaged by May of 2001 – he asked me on a boat in Lake Michigan as we toured the city of Chicago on a beautiful, sunny evening – and we dove head first into the wedding planning.  We did not see any reason for waiting too long – we were totally ready!  (My parents might have a different story since we planned our wedding a mere 6 months after my sister’s, but they were very happy for us & supportive of our plans!!  Thanks mom and dad!)  All my life I thought I wanted a summer or fall wedding, but we had to plan around the baseball season, as well as Opening Day of the Hens brand new ballpark that was scheduled in April of 2002.  We opted for February of that year and prayed all of our out of town guests would not have weather related issues getting out to Ohio in the middle of winter.  February 23 finally came and it was the only 50+ degree day that month.  Not a snowflake in sight, clear blue skies, cold but not bone-chilling.  Absolutely perfect!  The wedding was beautiful and after all of the guest greeting and picture taking, we were ready to party!!  It was at our reception that my mom and Erik’s dad had a little surprise waiting for us.  I still can’t believe they pulled one over on us!  My mom’s toast was more like a story of how we met – and you can imagine my shock when they re-inacted that day at the ballpark with my brother in a Clifford suit they rented and my brother-in-law in the “Muddy the Mud Hen” mascot outfit.  Muddy asked Clifford to marry him and after someone put a white vail on Clifford’s head, he and Muddy walked off into the sunset together.  Bet our guests never thought they would be entertained quite like that!!  It was awesome and Erik and I both teared up as Clifford and Muddy stuck around to pose for pictures with guests and hug all the kids that were now thinking this was definitely turning out to be the coolest wedding in the world!  And for us…it most certainly was.  Magical.  Extraordinary.  Perfect J 

Erik and I chose to write our own vows that day…and I am still so glad we decided to do that.  It was so intensely beautiful and intimate to hear words that he chose to write to me…words that had deep personal meaning attached to them.  Every now and then, I break out my “wedding box” and read our sacred vows over again.  Part of Erik’s vow to me reads like this:  “I promise to be a loving leader, as God intended for me, to speak and to listen, to walk beside you and be your best friend.  When you fall, I will catch you.  When you are worried, I will relax you.  When you cry, I will hold you.  And when you laugh, I will share your joy...”   We have spent the last six years sharing each others joys, sorrows, happiness, tears, high points, low points, and all of the wonderful and painful things in between.  The good times and the bad.  Through sickness and health.   

But do you know what was NOT part of our wedding vows that day?  Erik did not vow that he would have the right words to say to me when we lost our first baby to miscarriage.  He did not vow that he would have the strength to endure not only the loss of one baby…but two…and then three.  He did not vow that he would stick beside me as we endured several failed fertility treatments.  He did not vow that he would put up with the rage those treatments seemed to bring out in me and he definitely did not vow that he would know what to say to me when we realized that parenthood might not ever be a reality for us.  We did not vow to each other that we would be OK if we finally had our prayers answered with the blessing of a baby…yet came to find that she was born with a very special need that we could never have imagined.  I don’t remember Erik vowing to me at our wedding that he would be a rock of strength and encouragement to me as we accepted our daughter’s blindness not as a tragic event…but as a beautiful chance to let others be strengthened by the way God orchestrated Ella’s birth and her life.  We did not vow any of those things to each other six years ago.  But in fact, that has been the path our marriage has taken.  And that is one of the many wonderful things about God.  If He brings you to it, He will bring you through it.  All you have to do is trust Him.  As easy or as difficult as that may be.  At the end of our vows, we promised to each other that “with God’s help” we would be faithful and true to each other “no matter what the uncertainties of the future might bring.”  We could not have known that day six years ago how incredibly blessed we would be and how thankful we would be for the absolutely amazing life we share today.  I can’t wait to see what the future has in store for us – it is hard to believe that it can get any better than this!! 

Thank you Erik for being my perfect match, my better half, my rock, my strength & my best friend.  Thank you for being the husband women only dream about and the very best Daddy that Ella could ever hope to have.  We are the two luckiest girls in the world & we love you so much!! 

(On the videos page you will find a new video commemorating our past six years together.  The first song is the one that was sung on our wedding day.  What a great life we have!!)

Even though it is still February in cold, wintery Ohio...we are ready to start "thinking spring" around here!  For me, Spring always promts visions of beautiful & fragrant flowers, pretty green grass covering the lawn and colorful fruits and veggies growing in gardens everywhere.  If you are a lover of yummy garden delights like we are, especially succulent and juicy tomatoes, then keep reading...

Erik's Aunt & Uncle, Dagma Lacey and Gary Ibsen, have been growing delicious organic heirloom tomatoes in the fields of gorgeous Northern California for many years.  Gary is an author as well as the founder and executive director of the Carmel TomatoFest in Carmel California.  They have been operating the Carmel TomatoFest for 16 years and have really revitalized the appreciation and desire of true heirloom quality tomatoes by chefs and consumers alike.  They ensure the highest quality product from harvest to table due to thier hands-on production and harvest techniques.  At any one time, they can be growing up to 600 varities of tomato seeds, many originally sourced from family farms around the world.  Take a minute to check out their very cool website at http://www.tomatofest.com/heirloom_tomato_seed_home.html

After Ella was born, Dagma and Gary created a new tomato seed that they thought would be perfect to name after her.  It is called "Ella's Pink Plum" and has this description:  Short indeterminate plant producing an abundance of 2" jade-pink colored, plum-shaped fruit. Juicy with few seeds and very good (happy) flavors. Although a pretty tomato to look at, if you ate this with your eyes closed, wonderful images are prompted through it's mouth-feel and taste.   I mean, how cool is that, right?  Who can say they have a legitimate fruit or vegetable named in their honor?  I was really moved that they chose to attach Ella's beautiful name to some of their new seeds.  THANK YOU Dagma & Gary!!  We cannot wait to get out to Carmel in autumn to experience the TomatoFest for ourselves! 

Click here to see a picture of Ella's Pink Plum: http://store.tomatofest.com/Ella_s_Pink_Plum_p/tf-0547.htm

For all of you tomato lovers out there, now you know where you can find tons of delicious varieties of organic heirloom tomatoes.  So...start thinking spring! Order some seeds today!  Let me know if you choose to have Ella's Pink Plum growing in your garden this year - YUM!!  Enjoy!!

Ella is so totally awesome.  There really is no other way to put it.  I apologize for sounding a bit like a "valley girl", but it really is the simple truth.  She brings such an unimaginable amount of joy into our lives.  I could go on forever describing all of the things I love about her.  Her smile, her laugh, the smell of her smooth skin, her petite fingers, her cute teeth, her dramatic fits of crying, the way she grabs my cheek to kiss my face, her determination, her stubbornness, her passion, her fierce spirit, her loving heart...just to name a few

Well, today the two of us girls were suffering from serious cabin fever.  The swirling snow and winter storm watch were NOT going to stop us from getting out to Ella's play group this afternoon.  The place is just a few miles away after all, so I figured we would be fine.  After basically sliding the whole way there, (maybe the roads were worse than I thought! ) we arrived and I took my time walking from the car to the door of the building.  I'm sure some people watching from the windows thought I was crazy, but what they don't know is that Ella LOVES the feel of snowflakes landing on her face.  She puts her little chin up towards the sky and lets the flakes cover her cheeks and her long eyelashes, giggling and sighing with delight.  We relished the moment...and then headed inside to warm up. 

We have not been to play group since right before Christmas, for one reason or another, so it took Ella a few minutes to warm up to the place again.  She waved to some people when we first got there and I sat her down near that crazy plastic apple she loves so much.  She wanted right away to take both her socks and shoes off, so we did, and she was happy.  As more children made their way to the carpet, Ella got a little more shy and clinged to me, as I expected.  The great thing about this group is that everyone knows us and understands Ella, so people don't even look twice when she starts to get fussy or upset.  After playing for a bit in the playroom, the group always heads down to the Motor Sensory room, where there are lots of great big things for the kids to play on - a slide, a big box of balls, a little plastic rollercoaster and Ella's all-time favorite, a big fat tire swing that hangs from the ceiling.  The play group leader always lets me take Ella into the Motor Sensory room 5-10 minutes before all of the other kids come down so I can spend some quiet time getting her comfortable before the chaos breaks out when the others arrive.  Today, I asked Ella if she wanted to swing, which has become one of her favorite things to do.  She clapped and smiled, a definite...yes!  The tire sits on a big wooden platform, so the kids can sit in the hole of the tire and hold on to both sides for support.  I pushed the swing hard, and off she went.  I twisted it in circles and swung it back and forth - back and forth.  Never in my life have I witnessed such unabashed and complete and utter JOY.  She laughed and squealed, and I do mean squealed, so incredibly loud I swear someone walking by must have thought I was trying to catch a little greased pig in there.  Her hair floated in the breeze with each push and she actually laid the back of her head on the tire and crossed her little legs at the ankles.  Still squealing with delight.  I thought to myself the same thing I believe Ella was thinking..."Man, Life is good.  It just doesn't get any better than this!"  The best part of the whole afternoon was when the other kids came in and one little boy wanted to swing with Ella.  There was just enough room for both of them and as his mother was settting him inside the hole next to Ella, I was just praying that she didn't slap the kid silly like I've seen her do to both Erik or I when she gets mad/frustrated/not in the mood to share.  Ella said...not today people!  Not when things are going this great.  She even scooched over to make room for this chunky kid and proceeded to let him hold her hand as they swang together, smiling and laughing as we pushed them higher and higher.   Tears welled in my eyes as I watched them sharing the tire swing, begging with their smiles to go even higher and faster.  Man, Life is good for sure. 

As we were getting ready to leave play group, Ella was getting tired and I knew she had to be starving as well.  I was putting her coat on as a couple of people came over to talk to us and say goodbye.  Ella waved "bye-bye" to them and then...get this...signed for "hungry."  I almost fell over.  I just taught her the signs for hungry and thristy three days ago and even though she would do them for me when I asked her to, I did not think she understood what they actually meant yet.  Tip:  Never underestimate your kids!!  This girl never ceases to amaze me!!  One woman asked, "Is she signing hungry?"  I have never been more proud in my life to this point, I swear.  My chest puffed out with pride I beamed, "Yes...yes she is."  She was hungry, and she let me know it.  She totally learned what I had taught her and understood it perfectly.  I teared up again, (ok, when does that stop?) and gave her a big hug as we headed for the car.  She sat quietly and patiently in her carseat as we slid back home, smiling when I put on her favorite CD.  Hungry...but knowing that lunch was on the way when we got home.  Satisfied that she had been able to communicate to me how she felt.  She might have even looked a bit smug now that I think about it.  I think I am dealing with a girl who is really good...and knows it too!  

The very best and most wonderful thing about play group is that it takes a lot out of my little Ella and she naps like a bear in hibernation afterwards.  Mommy gets some time to curl up on the couch with coffee and a good book.  Did I mention life was good???  I love her just as much when she is sleeping as I do when she is awake.  She sleeps so peacefully and is so pretty I just had to capture this picture.  That's my girl alright.  So totally awesome!

Ella has been pulling herself up on her walker/push toy lately and cruising all over the place with this very proud little look on her face.  She will huff and puff as she pulls herself up off the ground to her knees.  She will stick her tongue out and grunt and give quite an exhausted sigh once she is finally standing up.  I know for a fact that she especially likes to turn the dramatics up a notch if she knows that anyone is nearby watching her.  Wow…she is so much like me sometimes it is scary J  She will head in a (mostly) straight path until she runs her walker into a wall, the steps, a chair, etc.  Then she will huff and puff again until she turns the thing around and is able to continue on her way to wherever she is going – which is obviously someplace very important as her determination to get there is quite evident.   The awesome thing about this process is that sometimes I will sit her down on the floor and put the walker just out of her reach…or even across the room.  I will jingle the little bells that I tied to the handle bar and she will begin to move herself towards the sound of the bells, where she knows her walker is waiting.  She is still not really crawling per se; she has invented more of a “body scooch” move that is currently working out well for her.  She will scooch around, her arms extended out in front of her…reaching out for the walker, until she finally finds it.  Sometimes this will take her longer than other times, depending on if she gets turned around, or scooches past something new and exciting that she must explore.  Very rarely will she ever give up trying to find her walker.  And very rarely will I give in and hand it to her or bring it close enough so she can feel it right beside her.  I am trying to teach her to explore and not give up.  Usually she will reach…and reach…and reach…until she gets what she wants.  I am learning lessons from her every day.  I am learning that just when you think things are out of your reach, if you push just a little harder or reach just a little higher – ta-da! – you’ve reached them!  If you are willing to explore a new space, to not be afraid to reach out into the vast unknown…you can achieve what you are trying to accomplish. I am trying to give her opportunities to feel that sense of accomplishment on her own – though sometimes as I watch her struggle with frustration my motherly instinct is to just put it right in her hand so she won’t be upset anymore.  I am learning patience.  I am learning about endurance.  I am learning that Ella needs to find her own way.  A very wise person told me that if I start doing everything for her at a young age…I can look forward to still doing everything for her when she is grown up.  As much as I want to be her “guide” in this world, I realize that letting her find her own way now will help give her the confidence that she will need in the future.  I just hope that she will at least “act” like she still needs her mama when she grows up J 

Ella has also given a whole new meaning to taking a “leap of faith” as of late.  She loves to wrestle on the couch or our bed and climb all over us like jungle gyms.  She especially loves to play hard like this with her daddy.  She will be standing on our bed with Erik next to her and he will yell, “1…2...3, superstar!” She will just plunge into his body in a big heap of giggles.  She also loves to be held upside-down (by daddy, of course) and swing back and forth, her long hair swaying in the breeze.  Sometimes she likes to place one of her little hands over our mouth when we are talking to her lately…or making funny sound effects with our lips.  I think she likes the vibration it makes and is also really trying to figure out how to sound out words.   She is so close to talking, we just know it, and she tries so hard to mimic certain words that we say.  She will use the several words that she knows intermingled with her “Ella speak” throughout the day.  She has the most beautiful little voice J  She still uses her signs for “more” and “all done” while eating & drinking…making life a lot easier for all of us as she realizes that she can communicate some of her wants and needs to us now. 

Not too long ago, Grandma Blitz taught Ella how to hold her hands together in front of her in order to “pray.”  Ever since then, I have been reminding her to do this every night while we are rocking in the rocking chair, trying to get her to sleep.  I will say, “Ok- let’s pray now” and Ella will place her hands together very slowly.  I simply go through a list of who we are thankful for, tell her that Jesus loves her and then end with “amen!”  Which for some reason always gets a good laugh out of her!!  Well, lately she has gotten pretty crafty.   Now as I cradle her while we rock, having already prayed of course, I will be telling her in a serious voice that it is time to go to bed, most likely because it is near or after midnight and she is still wide awake.  I, on the other hand, am way past tired.  I will say, “Ella, that’s enough.  It is night-night time right now.”  She will wriggle her one hand out from behind my back, press her hands firmly together and beam her gigantic smile at me with all of her little teeth showing.  It is as if she is saying, “But I am praying mommy.  Just like you taught me.  Now please stop interrupting me with all your talk of bedtime.”  It makes me laugh every time and as she feels my body shaking with laughter (that I am trying hard to suppress)…she knows that she has me wrapped around her little praying fingers J  

Ella has been on many adventures over the past couple of months.  I must say that we are extremely lucky as Ella is an excellent traveler.  She loves to be in the car seat, riding in the car, yet also does not mind traveling by airplane.  For this reason, we have been able to take her on several trips without anxiety…and that has been so wonderful for us.  I was so afraid that she would inherit my terrible motion sickness…but instead she laughs and bounces during airplane turbulence as I hide my face in Erik’s shoulder, crying out for more Dramamine.  The three of us flew to California to spend the holidays with Erik’s parents and had a wonderful time basking in the southern CA. sun for Christmas and New Years.  Ella and I even got to swim in Nana and G.Pa’s warm backyard spa (pictures on the photo page) on New Years Day as the temps were in the 60’s and very pleasant.  We got to spend some great time with Erik’s Nana Jo (who turned 89 on New Years Eve) and many other good friends that we love to see while we are visiting out there.  Ella enjoyed her first mechanical horse ride on Balboa Island and also loved to ride around the house in the cool German car that Nana and G.Pa got her for Christmas.  G.Pa even taught Ella how to ride forward for the first time!!   

After we returned home, we celebrated my 30^th birthday on Jan. 7^th with my parents bringing over dinner and dessert so I did not have to cook.  What a great gift!!  Erik had planned to take me out that Friday night, just the two of us, and had already asked my parents to take Ella overnight for us.  I was so looking forward to a date night with my sweet husband all week long.  Friday night arrived and after my parents came to pick up Ella and all her gear, Erik took me to one of our favorite restaurants here in town.  I was so excited as we followed the hostess to our favorite room with the fireplace when I slowly realized that a large group of people were huddled in the corner screaming “SURPRISE” at me!  It took me a few minutes to register what was happening – that’s how good he got me.  Apparently, as I was told later, I turned and gave Erik an Elaine Benes-like double handed “get out!” push once I figured out what was happening.  I don’t remember doing that as I was too busy crying like a baby upon seeing that my sister, brother-in-law and Erik’s brother and girlfriend had all flown in from out of town…just to celebrate with me.  They stood there along with some of our best friends and family, including my parents & Ella, who had all been in on the scam.  WOW – what a great night!  I still don’t know how he pulled it off (I usually know EVERYTHING that is going on) but I know that I will never, ever forget how special it was.  You did good babe – really good! J