1 Samuel 1: 27-28

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has given me what I asked of him.  So now I give him to the Lord."

Before Ella was born, I truly identified with Hannah in this verse and the depth of her desire to have a child.  She was desperate - and she chose to pour out her pain in prayer to the only one who could fill her empty arms.  Even though I did not go to the extent of weeping bitterly and not eating like Hannah did - I shared her heart's longing for a child of my own and prayed that God would grant the desires of my heart.  After four painful miscarriages, I had become the woman who, upon taking a positive pregnancy test, immediately and with shaky hands called her Doctor - not her close family and friends.  Instead of figuring out the coolest way to tell everyone, I was worried about getting on the right medications that would hopefully help me to sustain the pregnancy past the first few weeks.  When you have experienced that much loss, your ability to be blissfully happy is gone - and you settle for being restrained in your joy, wondering every day if your body will be able to handle it...if this time will finally be the time.  You want to share the good news with your loved ones, but you choose not to...just yet...to save you the sorrow of possibly having to face them later with a broken heart and not many answers. 

It kills you that you are not able to dive straight into planning your dream baby shower, start picking out names, or just sit back and enjoy your stress-free pregnancy.  For a "high-risk" case such as myself...each and every Dr. appointment is met with bated breath and the fear that something has gone wrong.  Even when you see the little heartbeat on ultrasound, you are unable to totally relax, wondering if it will still be beating strong at your next appointment...or if you will be leaving the Dr.'s office only to make another appointment that will leave you "un"pregnant and full of sadness.  I realized that it might be possible, that I, like many other women in the world, might never experience motherhood, despite the longing in my heart.  My faith, though shaky at times, remained constant that God was in control and had His plan.  I waited...and waited...and waited.  After being pregnant four times before, now it seemed that my struggle was just to get pregnant to begin with! 

We decided to aid our cause with the help of fertility treatments, as well as other medications in hopes of helping my weak eggs along once a pregnancy "took."  I took enormous pills, gave myself shots in the thigh at home, and visited the Fertility clinic three times a month for three months.  Let me just say that Fertility meds are not for the faint of heart and if your husband does not have the patience of a Saint...forget the whole thing!  I turned into an evil version of myself, and I could not do anything about it.   I realized just how sensitive my body is to different medications and treatments.  We had had enough.  We chose to forgo all pills, shots and treatments for one month so we could travel on our annual vacation to Mexico.  Wouldn't you know sweet Ella would arrive nearly nine months later!  

My pregnancy with Ella was really a dream come true.  I found it hard to complain about the constant nausea I had, weight gain, or any aches and pains.  I had fought the battle, done things I never thought I could do to myself and I was finally experiencing a healthy pregnancy.  I was determined to soak in every beautiful and precious minute of it.  At night time, lying in our bed with my hand on my ever-growing belly, I knew that the Creator of the universe - the one who made the heavens and the earth - was personally creating my unborn child.  Way before we knew that Ella would be born without eyes, I believed that the same God that hangs the stars in the night sky was at work on His latest masterpiece - my baby!  He wove together all of her tiny parts, put all her hairs in place, and heard every beat of her heart.  When Ella was born, I remembered reading that when God knits, he does not make mistakes.  He neither misses or adds an extra stitch.  I knew that Ella was a one of a kind original.  I was able to rest assured that she was created just for us - and that we were the only ones that would be able to care for her, love her and give her what she needed in this life.  She is still quite a "one of a kind" girl now - 2 next month! - doing things we never imagined and making us laugh in ways we only dreamed about!

This past Mother's Day was especially significant for me as I carry our second child - a little BOY! - that is due this fall.  Much like Hannah again, I had prayed that we would be able to give Ella a sibling.  God not only granted me the desire of my heart...but did it on the "first try", with no fertility drugs, no shots, no complications, no fear of loss...I could go on and on.  My heart overflows today with the thought of the little brother for Ella that is being created just for us.  To say he will be an extra special addition to our family is an understatement.  As a "special needs sibling", I feel confident that he will grow up with an extra measure of compassion for others that are "different."  In his knowledge of the world, he will understand that some people can walk, others cannot.  Some people can hear, others can't.  Some can see, his sister never will.  But that will be no big deal to him - because she is his sister.  And they will be bound together forever by genes and family memories.  I cannot wait to begin my journey as a mother of two - two little masterpieces...created just for us. 

Proverbs 13:12

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."