I know, I know . . . I'm way behind on journaling. In my defense, I've been trying to take my own advice and just enjoy my son. Sometimes all the researching and reading and discussing takes its toll on me. It's all good information, but just like anything, too much can make your head spin.

One of the major items I wanted to provide an update on is Mikey's last urologist visit. We met with Dr. Wilcox last week. (I was dreading this appointment so much that I made myself sick. I'm not sure why I was so nervous - I knew nothing was going to be done. Still, I guess I was worried they would find another issue that needed to be delt with). Here are the highlights.

1. It appears that Mikey does not have an inguinal hernia. Instead he has a hydrocele, which is fluid around the testical. Many times the hydrocele will go away on its own, but the doc plans to take care of it during one of Mikey's surgeries if that doesn't happen. This is GOOD NEWS!

2. Mikey's left testical is in the correct position. WOO HOO!

3. The right testical remains a mystery. The doc will feel it on one visit, then won't be able to find it on the next. At this visit the little booger was hiding. If you recall, this is the underdeveloped testical that needs a biopsy.

4. Mikey's scrotum is on top of his penis. This is something Vince had pointed out to me, but I guess I refused to see it. During one of the surgeries this will be corrected.

5. It looks like we will have 2-3 surgeries. The first surery will include straightening the penis and doing the prep work to move his urethra to the tip. If everything goes well, the doc may go ahead and move the tube to the tip and work on moving the scrotum. The second surgery will consist of moving the tube to the tip (if not done in the first surgery), moving the scrotum to the correct position (if not done in the first surgery), and performing the circumcision. If a lot of the items were done in the first surgery, then the doc may move the right testical down. If the right testical cannot be moved at that time, there may be a third surgery.

The first surgery is scheduled for March 20th. The second will be about six months after that.

I think the thing I'm most worried about is not being able to feed him after midnight the night before. I know, I know . . .that's such a small thing to worry about. But, I know he will think we're being mean parents by not giving him any food!

We have his 4-month check up later this month. Hopefully we'll get the green light to start feeding him cereal. It seems like the formula is just not satisfying him any more. (Though you can't tell that by looking at him - he's a chub!)

It's hard to believe that Michael is three months old and that we are celebrating his first Christmas. Where does the time go?

In the last month Michael has changed so much that he is no longer recognizable as that frail, tiny little baby that was hooked up to all those monitors. In fact, he's quite the little chunky monkey now.

Developmentally speaking, he appears to be ahead of where he is supposed to be. I get an email each week telling me what my baby should be doing this week, but most of the time, Michael has been performing that task for a week or two already. As an example, he's supposed to start grasping items this week. This is something he's being doing for at least two weeks. Also, he is already trying to talk. Yeah, it's gibberish, but it's not a simple "coo." He will string 8-10 sounds together at a time. He's also good at taking turns talking, and there are several words he repeats. (I have no idea what Err-Wig is, but it is VERY important to Mikey).

Every moment I spend with that kid brings more joy and amazement. This from the woman who was freaked out about being pregnant again - LOL!

Someone sent this link to me. Fascinating.

 http://www.newsweek.com/id/73145

So, I've been a bit quiet lately. That's mostly because I've been doing a lot of research and studying. I've also engaged some adult XXYs in discussion in an attempt to better understand Michael. It hasn't been easy having these discussions.

When we first learned of Michael's condition, it really shook us to the core. Some of the basic beliefs that both my husband and I have held for as long as we can remember are being challenged. I'm trying to reconcile what I've been taught with what I now know. I don't know if I will ever have an answer as to why this happened (the cosmic why - not the medical why) and I think I'm okay with that. But, I do feel the need to understand a few things that I'm not yet ready to discuss fully on this site.

I will say that, the more I study and speak with others, the more normal Michael and this XXY condition seems. I'll expand . . .

I'm a member of several mail lists that are broken up into several categories - peds, adolescent, adult, etc. It seems that a lot of what the parent's of adolescents are concerned about are things that I've seen in Jacob (my XY son). So, things that are being blamed on the XXY condition are, in my experience, typical boy behaviors. This may sound strange, but I actually find comfort in this. I try to offer advice to those parents, but it tends to be ignored since I'm speaking of my XY son and not my XXY son. It's taught me a valuable lesson - that just because XXY is not fully understood by the medical profession, it does not mean that everything that comes out of the doctors' mouths is inaccurate. Yes, it's important to be viligant about Michael's health, but I no longer feel like we are on an island.

All of this studying and thinking leads to a lot of restless nights for me. I continually find new contacts and websites and join discussion boards in an attempt to learn more (yes, I'm the eternal student). One thing I came across today was another mother's story. The link to her story is here: http://www.intersexualite.org/Mother.html.

What I take away from her story is that we are not alone and that maybe understanding the why isn't as important as enjoying the today. I need to remember this.

Michael has his own rap song. Enjoy!

My name is Michael and I'm here to say
I like to drink milk in a major way.

I drink it all day and I drink it all night
Then I fart so loud I give everyone a fright.

So give me a bottle and give it to me now
And if you don't comply then I'll start to howl.

Well, my eyes are blue and my hair is brown
And I always wake up when you put me down.

I have some chubby cheeks that are oh so cute
And I can burp as loud and I can toot.

I don't seem to mind that I don't have no teeth
But when I grow me some I'm going to eat me some beef.

I have a big brother and his name is Jake
And I think he's really cool for goodness sake.

I don't like my swing and I don't like my seat
I don't like my stroller all I want to do is eat.

I do like my bath 'cause it feels so good
And I like my yellow towel with the duckie hood.

I think that day is night and I think that night is day
And when you want to sleep is when I always want to play

So I party all night and I sleep all day
My name is Michael and I'm here to stay!

Tuesday

It's hard to believe Michael is six weeks old already. At our last unofficial weigh-in, he was 10.5 pounds. He also seems to be getting longer, although I have not measured him. He's already outgrown several of his onesies, and I suddenly do not have any booties that fit him. It's almost as if those feet grew three inches over night!

His new favorite thing is to push off of you when you are holding him upright and stare straight into your eyes. He will hold his head up like that for a good five minutes before resting. It's funny to have an infant stare so intently at you like that. You wonder what he is thinking . . .

He also loves his activity center. It's the one place I can lay him for a good 20 minutes with no complaints. (Good thing . . . else I'd never get a shower!) He will stare at the objects hanging above his head and bat at them with his hands and feet. He also "talks" to them. Actually, I'd say he yells at them! LOL!

Michael is definately on target with all his developmental milestones so far, and he truly is a joy. We're still working on sleeping more than three hours at a time. Keep your fingers crossed that we reach that milestone VERY soon. Mommy needs a good night's sleep!

Sunday

Michael turned 5 weeks old yesterday. It's hard to believe that much time has passed already. He has put on a lot of weight. In fact, Mom hadn't seen him in a while and said she would not have recognized him. His cheeks are chubby and he has developed a double chin.

We still don't sleep throgh the night and Vince and I are trying to survive that. I'm not in a rush for Michael to grow up, but I am ready to fast forward a few weeks where we can sleep for more than three hours at a time. The only one sleeping well in the house is Jacob.

I've given myself a bit of a break from the KS research. I did, however, watch the episode of "A Baby Story" on TLC called "Baby Drake". I would have liked to have seen more detail on the procedure that the dad went through, but I guess that's not the point of the program. One thing they said in the program was that KS comes from the mom's side. In all my research that I've done, I have never found that to be a fact. Instead, everything I've read indicates that they are not sure where it comes from. The problem occurs during meiosis 1 or 2. Meiosis 1 is during egg division, prior to fertilization, which would indicate the problem occured on mom's side. But, Meiosis 2 occurs after fertilization, so that could be either a problem with the sperm or the egg. In my situation, it probably happened during meiosis 1 since I'm a "mature mom", but there's no way to tell. Besides, who cares? I'm not sure what the point of knowing would be, other than for assigning blame or guilt.

The bottom line is I have a healthy, awesome baby boy. And, all the people I've met online who also have KS are awesome men. I would be proud to be mom to any of them.

Friday

Today was cool. Michael and I hung out and watched TV. Well, I watched TV while he laid in my lap - only waking to eat and for diaper changes. What a rough life he has. We also read a book together. He seemed to like it.

On the medical front it appears that his left testical has definately descended. WOO HOO! Now, let's keep praying for the right one to drop into place.

I have to admit that I am aprehensive about his upcoming surgery. On one hand, I'm enjoying watching him grow up (and anxiously anticipating that day when he sleeps for 5 hours straight), but getting older means the first surgery is drawing near. I wish there were some way that he could avoid all of it. The thing that keeps me sane about it is knowing that he will be too young to remember.